Before you read press play
Very recently, I realized 2 important things:
1. When someone invites you to a Ping Pong show they probably aren't talking about ping pong
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| Excuse me waiter but there's something in my drink |
and
As I stand here with a balloon in between my legs up on stage waiting for the night's entertainment to begin, I have some time to think and I can't help but wonder just how exactly this became a "thing"? When did going to Thailand turn into going to watch old hollowed out women shoot projectiles out of their cooters. How did this happen? How did this become someone's job? Do you find that in the classifieds (probably craigslist)? I know it's a tough job market today but seriously!? What do you think the job interview consists of? And how do you dress for that (today is definitely a skirt day)? Do they provide on the job training or do you need to show up locked, loaded and ready to go? Maybe there is some old ping pong Yoda master who trains you at some far away temple? I can just picture the classic 80's training montage now....
All these things run through my head as I attempt to distract myself from where I am and what's about to happen. For some reason that now alludes me, a friend and I decided it would be a good idea to head out on the town here in Thailand and find some local entertainment. Myself, I was thinking something classy; like a magic show or something. You know, where someone on stage would do something cool like pull some hidden trick out of their loose fitting sleeve and............ ya well never mind.
Let's just move on.
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| Criss Angel's new act: Tricks with my pussy |
So we end up here and next thing you know I have been dragged up on stage, where they put a balloon in between my legs so that our ping pong princess can try out her aim with darts. Now, I know I've been drunk most times I've played darts but I don't think this is the standard way of playing.
Pretty sure about this....
Meanwhile the absurdity of all of this fits perfectly with the look on her face: It's kind of like if the bark of a tree could look bored. It's a nice fit with the look on my face which is more of a shitting my pants urban chic. Our lady for the evening is here......but not really. Maybe she is just in her happy place (or maybe just the darts are). I mean she is just looking REALLY vacant. She looks more bored than a hot dog sales man at a Lilith Fair concert and Im not sure if I should panic or take comfort in this.
Clearly she's a pro as I get the weird feeling this isn't her first rodeo (they say on the job experience is everything). This has to be a good thing for me right?
Well before I can figure it out, I am snapped back to reality by the sobering realization that she has just shot a dart at me and that it not only missed the balloon but missed it by 3 fucking feet and is now stuck in the wall beside me.
Why couldn't we have just gone elephant trekking....
Ok. Well this is my stop....Pleasure meeting you "Pong". Im just gonna go so uh....you've got me on LinkedIn right?
No go. Looks like she is reloading and the bouncer is giving me the "You might want to stop moving" look.
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| Winner winner chicken dinner |
Dammit. I feel like Im in a Hepatitis C slot machine and someone's about to take the house.
Where's my free drink already?
Standing here staring down the barrel of this glorified walking Nerf cannon I have come to the conclusion that this isn't a good look for any of us. Nobody here is winning (except maybe for the guy stocking the Purell dispenser by the door).
We should all be ashamed of ourselves and I for one won't stand here and watch this poor woman be....
WHACK!!!
Swing and a miss.
Are you fucking kidding me?!!! WHO MISSES 2 times? You suck ping pong lady!!! Isn't this what you do for a living?! Im seriously beginning to thing that you skipped the whole Yoda temple training!?
Don't make me write a strongly worded letter....
But before I can she reloads, gives it one last go and just like that...
POP goes my weasle.
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| Start your day off right |
I feel so used.
Just think, me and Forsythe took Patti to a ping pong show...haha! Can you imagine the look on her face... Pretty sure she held a balloon too, but our girl was skilled shot them out of people's hands in the audience and didn't miss once from like 8 feet away!
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