"What are you looking at?" she says.
Shit.
"Um, what?" I say.
"You look zoned out. Are you listening to me?"
Definitely wasn't listening.
Where am I again?
Riiiight. The non-date.
She, is the woman sitting across from me and between us there are two not deep enough glasses of pricey vino as we soak in tonights artificially antiqued ambience. The restaurant is a brand new, rustic looking place with expensive, dilapidated driftwood type chairs. The kind of place where they say things like "tapas" and "a la carte" instead of saying things like "expensive" and "get ready to still be hungry".
Regardless, I came here for what I smoothly thought was a date....and she thought was........well, not that anyways.
Good times. Not awkward at all.
"My boyfriends obsessed with this dish!' She said while looking at the menu.
Now THAT part I definitely heard.
She orderers the duck a la orange. With sides.
Separate checks it is.
"Kevin! WTF?"
I scramble.
"TOTALLY!" I say. "I'm listening. Sorry, long day. Go on."
Shit.
"Um, what?" I say.
"You look zoned out. Are you listening to me?"
Definitely wasn't listening.
Where am I again?
Riiiight. The non-date.
She, is the woman sitting across from me and between us there are two not deep enough glasses of pricey vino as we soak in tonights artificially antiqued ambience. The restaurant is a brand new, rustic looking place with expensive, dilapidated driftwood type chairs. The kind of place where they say things like "tapas" and "a la carte" instead of saying things like "expensive" and "get ready to still be hungry".
Regardless, I came here for what I smoothly thought was a date....and she thought was........well, not that anyways.
Good times. Not awkward at all.
"My boyfriends obsessed with this dish!' She said while looking at the menu.
Now THAT part I definitely heard.
She orderers the duck a la orange. With sides.
Separate checks it is.
"Kevin! WTF?"
I scramble.
"TOTALLY!" I say. "I'm listening. Sorry, long day. Go on."
Her eyes judge me for an awkward moment before either finding what she's looking for or not really caring enough to see it for the blatant lie that it "TOTALLY" was. Either way, she's back to talking and I'm back to daydreaming.
Daydreaming about her.
I know. It's the classic cliche that guys never listen but tonight I just can't seem to help it. I really do want to listen but something keeps distracting me. Her story about (insert something no guy would ever find interesting here) .........was great.
Really good stuff.
But all I could think of was one thing:
So let's go get sidetracked in that for a moment...
Have you ever met someone who was so attractive it stopped you in your tracks? Someone that redefined your parameters of what beauty is? Someone who was so stunning that it actually worried you how powerless you were around them? A person so entrancing that they had the ability to kryptonite the part of your brain that controls things like speech and reason?
Well I definitely have and she's sitting across from me right now...blinding me like Miss South Carolina staring into AC Slaters never-aging dimples.
Nailed it.
Ok, so to put her in perspective, let me sell you on how painfully beautiful this woman is:
She is amazing and fantastic.
In fact, she's so fantastic that she actually sued that cleaning spray called Fantastic for copyright infringement. And won.
True story.
She is so beautiful that the radio stations of my mind have all been take over by a emergency broadcast of the same breaking story:
Nailed it.
Ok, so to put her in perspective, let me sell you on how painfully beautiful this woman is:
She is amazing and fantastic.
In fact, she's so fantastic that she actually sued that cleaning spray called Fantastic for copyright infringement. And won.
True story.
 |
| Not a true story. |
She is so beautiful that the radio stations of my mind have all been take over by a emergency broadcast of the same breaking story:
She is what little baby angels want to be when they grow up.
Anyways, I could go on about her...... and apparently, so could she because she's gone back to talking about....something, but like before, I got nothing. She's Helen Keller'd me before I ever hear any of it.
It is a shame though. I want to pay attention to what she's saying. I want to know who I'm sitting across from on this non-date. I really do but her beauty is just too fucking loud. Front row, no one understands me like Dubstep!!! kind of loud. Her kind of beauty is so loud that it over powers anything she says.
And It probably always has.
And It probably always has.
Which is a funny thing to think about. Can you imagine what it would be like to have people always there listening to you but never hearing any of it? Eagerly wanting to be around you but not bothering to get to know you? That no matter what you said, people would nod and agree like drooling Fox news anchors interviewing a republican.
Come to think of it...... maybe this is a good time to check if I'm drooling.
Come to think of it...... maybe this is a good time to check if I'm drooling.
Nope. No drool means we're good to go so I throw in another "TOTALLY", order another glasses of wine I can't afford and go back to daydreaming about the dream girl sitting in front of me.
Which is exactly the problem. I'm dreaming of a girl that's sitting here with me instead of being present and in the moment with her. I'm painting an image of what I want her to be in my head Vanilla Sky style instead of seeing her for who she really is right here in real life.
Painting broad strokes over the finer details of her character.
 |
| What's bark made of? |
Which is exactly the problem. I'm dreaming of a girl that's sitting here with me instead of being present and in the moment with her. I'm painting an image of what I want her to be in my head Vanilla Sky style instead of seeing her for who she really is right here in real life.
Painting broad strokes over the finer details of her character.
So when I say she's scary beautiful, I mean it when I say scary (and not in a Scary Spice kind of way..... although she's alright too I guess. Each to their own. I personally was always more of a fan of Baby Spice. Total knockout in 2 become 1. Def my fave)
Where was I?
Oh ya...scary in that it's scary that someone could render my brain so completely useless. That someone can shrink my brainbox to the size of a Hong Kong apartment. That no matter what comes out of her mouth, I'll TOTALLY agree and think she's amazing. She has me at her beck and call for the rest of her life kind of beauty.
Want me to carry your new friends carry on bag through security? No prob.
Need help making signs for your big West Borrow Church rally tomorrow? Sure thing.
I'm cool like that Baby Spice. I gotcha.
She could burn my house down into a pile of smouldering ashes (also known as a Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez breakup) and when the cops came to arrest her I would tell them "You guys just don't get her like I do."
Where was I?
Oh ya...scary in that it's scary that someone could render my brain so completely useless. That someone can shrink my brainbox to the size of a Hong Kong apartment. That no matter what comes out of her mouth, I'll TOTALLY agree and think she's amazing. She has me at her beck and call for the rest of her life kind of beauty.
Want me to carry your new friends carry on bag through security? No prob.
Need help making signs for your big West Borrow Church rally tomorrow? Sure thing.
I'm cool like that Baby Spice. I gotcha.
She could burn my house down into a pile of smouldering ashes (also known as a Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez breakup) and when the cops came to arrest her I would tell them "You guys just don't get her like I do."
She's a bit of a firecracker.
So maybe this is why we all have that one friend, who for the most part seems like a smart, logical person.......who's somehow paired up with the spawn of satan incarnate.
We all know the story: Your buddy introduces you to his new girl and her handshake is so cold and limp that you worry that he met her at the Pet Sematary. She spews icy, venomous looks your way and scares the local wildlife south months early, but in your buddies eyes she's everything he's ever wanted. Remember that movie Saving Silverman? Well it's like that but with less fat funny guy spilling nachos everywhere:
*Side note
Steve Zahn: still hilarious for some reason.
So what's going on here? It's clear that there's a disconnect somewhere in how we see each other. That we can become so enamoured by our painted perception of someone that we become unable to see them for who they really are.
Like for example, this horrible human being.
If the majority of marriages end in divorce (because Dr. Phil wouldn't lie would he?) then surely it's not that ALL of these people were all making a rash, foolish KFed-esque mistake but that they genuinely believed that they had found the Ross to their Rachel.
Or should I say "Brangelina"?
I hate that I know this shit.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what's the point of seeing someone as attractive? What purpose does it serve? How is it that we we judge each other for the shape of our faces when we have absolutely no ability to control those features in the first place? How does it make any sense whatsoever that who we spend our time with be based on their beauty?!
"Well, ya she treats me like shit in front of company but you should see her ass dimples in a bikini. TOTALLY worth it."
Ya. Totally.
Picking a spouse based on looks is like picking a car based on the colour.
Sure, it's true that looks are merely part of a much bigger equation. There's obviously more to it then just physical attraction, because if someone is stupid you're likely to get sick of them pretty quick.....but likely is the key word in that sentence. Sometimes beauty overrides our bullshit detector when we're not paying attention and while we would all like to believe it doesn't happen to us; we may be lying to ourselves.
Like when we eat fat free frozen yoghurt and say it's ok.
It's not ok people. That shit is pure street crack.
When it comes to the topic of looks, It's kind of like when people say: Dance like no one is watching.
Sure, it sounds like a nice idea worth a like or two on Facebook but in reality; we all secretly want to look at least a little cool while dancing.
And besides; YOU try keeping calm when you have this woman giving'er like no one's watching.
In front of your kids.
Who are DEFINITELY watching.
So we care about looks. It's inescapable. But how and why did this happen? Are we all that superficial? Or is it just genetic? Is it simply in our human nature? Built into our DNA from a time long passed? How would looks have played a part in our pre-instagram, hunter gathering days?
How would chiseled features and a good jaw line have benefited Encino Man on his hunt for more wooly mammoth jerky?
Then again could it be a more recent phenomenon in human history? An appreciation for the "finer physical qualities of a partner" that came with an exploding population increase thus leading to an increase in mating choice? Back when people were few and far between I'm sure we were much less picky eaters.
Mostly though, I'm inclined to think it's a mix of both. Likely, we have a predisposition to physical attraction that has been dramatically amplified by a skin deep pop culture. Perhaps we can chalk it up to the years of subliminal messages from advertisements screaming for our attention during a childhood raised on marshmallow crack-cereal and TGIF.
Maybe our deep-rooted love affair with eyeballing purdy looking people is the end result of a lifetime of ads being crammed into our faces.
Whatever it is, we just can't seem to help being attracted to good looking people.
It's undeniable that we celebrate people we find gorgeous; sometimes, being balls-out obvious about it.
But many times it's more insidious as we think we celebrate someone for their (artistic, poetic, heartfelt, orwhateverbullshityoucomeupwith) ways........ and it just so HAPPENS that they are nice to look at.
Riiiight. and Anna Kornikova stayed in the headlines for her really swell serve.
So it can make you wonder: what accomplishments are my own? Which ones did I actually earn based on my hard work and merit and which did I earn based on the genetic lottery of how I look?
Who earned it more? This guy:
Or this guy:
Both achieved success most could only dream of. Both have been celebrated for their wide range of work and both have my utmost respect for what they are able to do onscreen (Cruise haters be damned).... but which one worked harder to earn it? Which one had the tougher path? Which was sure to play the good guy?
Don't tell me you don't know.
Hoffman's tragic too-early death is surely telling of a man that went through a rough, inner battle in his life. Of that there's no doubt, but don't confuse me for condoning drug use just because the guy wasn't typically attractive. That's obviously a TJ Mackey sized load of bullshit. Lots of people have amazing success despite, shall we say "less than conventional" good looks...... but could you imagine Tom Cruise being a depressed closet heroine user?
I think we can all agree that he doesn't fit that role. Slightly crazy, sure but not someone who's reaching for the razors. Which just goes to show that as ugly as it is; we can't help but associate good looking people with success. Hence why we buy garbage we don't need from so-called beautiful people.
The question then is who would you rather be? The man who had to work exponentially harder to get it or the man who will always question if he truly earned it?
Either way, both have their battles and both are battles that wouldn't exist if our world weren't hijacked by something as superficial as skin deep beauty.
Years spent working as a model have shown me a really ugly side of pretty. Watching supposedly gorgeous people carry themselves with a sense of entitlement based solely on something they played no part whatsoever in creating... and then seeing others celebrate them for it has left me with a low-level loathing for it all.
It's convinced me that we would be a lot better off without the whole aesthetic thing. I believe attraction hides our real selves not only from each other but from ourselves. When you look in the mirror and see something looking back at you that the world is willing to praise; it becomes very easy to sit back, relax and let it in instead of building on ones character. Conversely, when you see the mirror looking back at you with a plain or uncelebrated look; how does one separate that from who they are on the inside?
Good luck not internalizing a lifetime of that.
Yes, physical beauty can be nice to appreciate and fun get lost in but ultimately; I believe it is a fog that blinds us from the inner importance of who we are. It has our souls driving racing cars blindly past each other. Some shiny and some rusted. It is a mask that hides from us the deeper beauty that lies in those all around us. Instead of seeing people solely for quality of their character, we become focussed on......
Other assets.
Thinking of all this makes me wonder how many people I would've loved but never gave a second thought based on them "not being my type". It makes me wonder how much time I've spent on people I found attractive but couldn't see I had little in common with......and vice versa: How many of my friends enjoy my company for who I am without my looks playing a hidden factor.
An unattractive thought to say the least.
Mostly pertinently though, right here and now it's making me wonder what I'm doing in this overpriced restaurant.
Have I wasted my time sitting here not paying attention to the beautiful, stunning stranger in front of me?
The answer:
Totally.
We all know the story: Your buddy introduces you to his new girl and her handshake is so cold and limp that you worry that he met her at the Pet Sematary. She spews icy, venomous looks your way and scares the local wildlife south months early, but in your buddies eyes she's everything he's ever wanted. Remember that movie Saving Silverman? Well it's like that but with less fat funny guy spilling nachos everywhere:
*Side note
Steve Zahn: still hilarious for some reason.
So what's going on here? It's clear that there's a disconnect somewhere in how we see each other. That we can become so enamoured by our painted perception of someone that we become unable to see them for who they really are.
Like for example, this horrible human being.
If the majority of marriages end in divorce (because Dr. Phil wouldn't lie would he?) then surely it's not that ALL of these people were all making a rash, foolish KFed-esque mistake but that they genuinely believed that they had found the Ross to their Rachel.
Or should I say "Brangelina"?
I hate that I know this shit.
Have you ever stopped to wonder what's the point of seeing someone as attractive? What purpose does it serve? How is it that we we judge each other for the shape of our faces when we have absolutely no ability to control those features in the first place? How does it make any sense whatsoever that who we spend our time with be based on their beauty?!
"Well, ya she treats me like shit in front of company but you should see her ass dimples in a bikini. TOTALLY worth it."
Ya. Totally.
Picking a spouse based on looks is like picking a car based on the colour.
 |
Like when we eat fat free frozen yoghurt and say it's ok.
It's not ok people. That shit is pure street crack.
When it comes to the topic of looks, It's kind of like when people say: Dance like no one is watching.
Sure, it sounds like a nice idea worth a like or two on Facebook but in reality; we all secretly want to look at least a little cool while dancing.
And besides; YOU try keeping calm when you have this woman giving'er like no one's watching.
In front of your kids.
Who are DEFINITELY watching.
So we care about looks. It's inescapable. But how and why did this happen? Are we all that superficial? Or is it just genetic? Is it simply in our human nature? Built into our DNA from a time long passed? How would looks have played a part in our pre-instagram, hunter gathering days?
How would chiseled features and a good jaw line have benefited Encino Man on his hunt for more wooly mammoth jerky?
 |
| I still love you Topanga |
Mostly though, I'm inclined to think it's a mix of both. Likely, we have a predisposition to physical attraction that has been dramatically amplified by a skin deep pop culture. Perhaps we can chalk it up to the years of subliminal messages from advertisements screaming for our attention during a childhood raised on marshmallow crack-cereal and TGIF.
Maybe our deep-rooted love affair with eyeballing purdy looking people is the end result of a lifetime of ads being crammed into our faces.
Whatever it is, we just can't seem to help being attracted to good looking people.
It's undeniable that we celebrate people we find gorgeous; sometimes, being balls-out obvious about it.
 |
| Witty check under the hood/my underpants joke here |
 |
| Painted on abs: the hottest trend in war paint |
Riiiight. and Anna Kornikova stayed in the headlines for her really swell serve.
So it can make you wonder: what accomplishments are my own? Which ones did I actually earn based on my hard work and merit and which did I earn based on the genetic lottery of how I look?
Who earned it more? This guy:
 |
| Sad doesn't begin.... |
Don't tell me you don't know.
Hoffman's tragic too-early death is surely telling of a man that went through a rough, inner battle in his life. Of that there's no doubt, but don't confuse me for condoning drug use just because the guy wasn't typically attractive. That's obviously a TJ Mackey sized load of bullshit. Lots of people have amazing success despite, shall we say "less than conventional" good looks...... but could you imagine Tom Cruise being a depressed closet heroine user?
I think we can all agree that he doesn't fit that role. Slightly crazy, sure but not someone who's reaching for the razors. Which just goes to show that as ugly as it is; we can't help but associate good looking people with success. Hence why we buy garbage we don't need from so-called beautiful people.
The question then is who would you rather be? The man who had to work exponentially harder to get it or the man who will always question if he truly earned it?
Either way, both have their battles and both are battles that wouldn't exist if our world weren't hijacked by something as superficial as skin deep beauty.
Years spent working as a model have shown me a really ugly side of pretty. Watching supposedly gorgeous people carry themselves with a sense of entitlement based solely on something they played no part whatsoever in creating... and then seeing others celebrate them for it has left me with a low-level loathing for it all.
It's convinced me that we would be a lot better off without the whole aesthetic thing. I believe attraction hides our real selves not only from each other but from ourselves. When you look in the mirror and see something looking back at you that the world is willing to praise; it becomes very easy to sit back, relax and let it in instead of building on ones character. Conversely, when you see the mirror looking back at you with a plain or uncelebrated look; how does one separate that from who they are on the inside?
Good luck not internalizing a lifetime of that.
Yes, physical beauty can be nice to appreciate and fun get lost in but ultimately; I believe it is a fog that blinds us from the inner importance of who we are. It has our souls driving racing cars blindly past each other. Some shiny and some rusted. It is a mask that hides from us the deeper beauty that lies in those all around us. Instead of seeing people solely for quality of their character, we become focussed on......
Other assets.
 |
| "I hear they're low on underwear too" |
An unattractive thought to say the least.
Mostly pertinently though, right here and now it's making me wonder what I'm doing in this overpriced restaurant.
Have I wasted my time sitting here not paying attention to the beautiful, stunning stranger in front of me?
The answer:
Totally.
