You know when you've been meaning to call someone for a while but haven't gotten around to it and now you feel like you can't call anymore because you've waited too long? Ever done this? Well, I definitely have (ask pretty much anyone Im related to) and it reminds me of how I've been feeling towards this blog lately.
So...... this is me calling.
And I'm calling collect.
It's been around 2 months since I last wrote and even though I have had lots to write about, I just couldn't seem to pen it out. Perhaps it's because the last 2 months have been a pretty weird limbo time in my life and I knew that it would be a bit of a downer post. Lately, things in my life have been more up and down then Christian Bale's weight.
In my last post I explained my decision to go back to Bangkok, where I had been working for around 5 months. When I came back to Van, I looked around and realized that not only had things changed here since I was gone, but things had also changed in me. I just wasn't ready to let go of the opportunity to live abroad. There are so many places in the world I want to see and learn about and realistically I won't always be able to do something like this so why not take advantage of it now right?
It's just the thought of leaving Vancouver is a pretty melancholy one as I worked really hard to get to a point where I can call this home. A place I feel like I understand and have a degree of success. Where the once immoveable ball is now rolling on its own.
But I can't let the fear of loosing something hold me back from finding something new? Can I?
Just think: if David Caruso hadn't left NYPD Blue back in 94 we never would have had the dramatic powerhouse that is CSI Miami!?
Exactly, and after watching all 7 minutes of Horatio nail those sweet one liners I realize 2 things:
1. I fucking hate that guy.
And
2. Maybe it's time for this challenge. Even if I have to let go of what I have worked hard to so build here.
With all things gained comes the loss of something else.
Somebody wise told me that once. Or maybe it was a family circus comic.... not sure.
So just like Rose and Jack, I decided to let go of the banister and embrace the journey. I began selling all of my stuff to weirdos on craigslist (This btw is way harder than it seems.) It is a very odd feeling watching everything you own slowly walk out the door. My car, my guitars, even the couch I was sleeping on. It was really unnerving selling everything. Doing this made it real. You can't go back after that. You have committed.
And anyone who knows me knows how much I love committment.....
Yet, It was also really exciting and liberating getting rid of all my crap. I sold EVERYTHING! I must've made like, $150 easy!
Winning.
In all seriousness, It was really cool knowing that no matter what I got rid of, I didn't really matter. The thought that I could strip my whole life down to just me and my experiences was an empowering feeling. Knowing that I am not defined by the things I own but instead by the things I do.
I really believe that.
So I was pumped at the journey ahead but still, the last 2 months of limbo were hard. You would think that time off in a beautiful city like Vancouver would be great (and it definitely is), especially when you know that you have this awesome adventure waiting for you at then end of it. It has been great to be back here seeing old friends here in Van and I've managed to sneak in some great fun filled trips to Calgary and Edmonton and even Kelowna a couple times.
But it has been weird. Something has felt a little bit "off". Every conversation always seems to get to that awkward point of "when you leaving?" There was this quiet uncomfortable downer knowing that I am going away. You could actually see people pull away a little.
Maybe I did too.
Then 2 days before I was scheduled to fly out, a bunch of good friends and I all went for supper and bevies. It was a really great night and at the end of it, one by one we all said our goodbyes.
I left that night not expecting to see any of them for a long while.
Instead, I came home to an email from my agent telling me to postpone my flight due to "agency issues"
Excuse me?
The agency I worked with in BKK still owed me money for a commercial I did before I left. According to our contract, they had time to pay me and I could only assume they would pay me since they had paid me in the past and they had a good reputation. So I decided to go back and work with them. If it ain't broke don't fix it right?
Well apparently not so much. They didn't pay on time..... and still haven't. I won't get into too many details but they still owe me a pretty good chunk of change and although they continue to say they will pay, past history makes me hesitant to believe anything from someone who owes you money.
So now Im stuck in a bad spot: I don't have the funds I planned on using to support myself (in a standard 3 month contract you don't get paid until the last day) and I don't want to work for an agency that isn't paying me. That leaves me with the option of finding a new agency or banking on the current one coming through with payment. Finding a new agency is a huge hassle because in my current contract they have a 1 year exclusivity clause over me and even though they are in breach of contract for not paying, it still makes it messy to get a new agency involved. This makes it hard to get signed somewhere else.
As for staying with the current agency............do you like working for free?
Neither do I.
So now I have no job to go back to. And no money to float me while I try to sort it out.
I had envisioned this going much more smoothly. Sometimes what seems like a great idea in your head, doesn't always work out that way in reality.
Then things got even more interesting. My friend who I was going to live with in Bangkok ended up getting kicked out of his place and had to find a new one but I couldn't commit to anything because I didn't know where I would end up due to these agency issues. This left us both fucked.
(Again: really sorrrrrry man)
Then of course; there's the girl.
Any good story is always wrapped around a girl and I would be lying if I said this one wasn't.
There was a girl. A girl I was looking forward to going back and seeing. We had stayed in touch and knowing she would be there at the airport made the 23+ hour trip seem a bit more bearable.
Then 10 days before Im supposed to be back, she casually tells me that she is back together with her ex.
Good to know......
All dramatics aside what did I really expect? When you leave, things tend to fade.
Im not looking for violins.
So ya. When I say I have been meaning to write but just haven't felt up to it; there's plenty of reasons why. At my lowest, I was sitting in my underwear on the floor (where my couch used to be before I sold it), eating the subway sub of the day (for like the 6th time that week). Sitting there in my old place that is no longer mine as I rented out to of my buddies (side note: how amazingly cool are they for letting my broke ass live in their living room for 2 months?!), with no job, no money, no car, no girl and no phone (someone spilled a Strongbow on it).
Oh ya; and to top it all off, I even chipped my tooth while putting my broken phone in my mouth to grab change for the bus. Perfect.
Hey good looking
Now, any of these on their own; no big deal. All of them at the same time?
Slight meltdown.
Serenity now
So there was a while there where I was not that pleasant to be around.
But if my gypsy actor life has taught me anything, it's that there really is an ebb and flow to all of this. When we talk about doing life changing things we tend not to focus on what exactly it is that changes us. We tend to talk about the fun stuff mostly.... but it's the battles we go through on our way to where we are trying to go that really change us. That make us grow.
What doesn't kill you makes you more......challenged. Right?
Wait.....
Anyways, I try to think of it this way:
Next time my well laid plans fall apart like a paper mache rain coat, at least I will be able to look back on the time I tried to go to back to Bangkok. The time that everything got so messed up that I ended up in.......
Shanghai.
Yup. Turns out when my situation in Bangkok went Enron, my amazing agent went to work on making life better and next thing you know I have a contract with a much better agency waiting for me in Shanghai; one of the largest, most dynamic cities in the world.
So there you go. Just like that, things are looking up. No more limbo. In 4 days I'm off to Thailand for 2 weeks, and then I head off to China for a brand new adventure. From there? Who knows? But wherever it is, I'm sure it won't be without it's challenges.
So, like any predictable sitcom we grew up watching, I will end this weeks episode with a perfectly timed, 22 minute lesson:
Next time life calls you collect; make sure to accept the charges.
