A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 2

Ok so this is my Coles Notes on Ep 6 in Marrakesh continued. I decided to split this blog up into two parts because we all know the average attention span is shorter than:

1. The list of guys left on this show

2. Jasmine standing next to Kyle #tenfeetofKyle

3. Wale standing next to Kyle 

4. Basically any human being on earth standing next to Kyle

5. You've already stopped reading this haven't you?

Anyways, the main reason I separated this blog into two parts is because this is the heavier of things that is on my mind. Not the fluff but instead the feels and not a lot of funny. So if you're still looking for laughs, here's me doing......whatever this is: 

Ok. Now that we've established that I shouldn't be taken too seriously, let's tear me apart in the most brutal of fashions. 


First off, here's the episode on for your viewing pleasure. Complete with a lovely background of jungle animals because...... the internet?

Skip ahead to 43:00 for our talk on our group date and 53:50 for our talk at the rose ceremony.

Feeling The Heat

When we left Quebec, I was very happy to get back on the road and explore Morocco as these days, I feel more at home out of a backpack than I do in my home country. There's an unfortunate truth that comes with a life on the road:
You can't go home again 
From the moment we landed, Marrakech did not disappoint. It's a beautiful, interesting hub of activity and a real melting pot of culture. So rich in colours, textures and flavours and it felt so good to be there. However, with that excitement of being somewhere new also came an entirely different feeling. By the time we got to our riad it was very clear to me that this was no longer just a fun little experience to take as it came but was now getting much more serious and the pressure was on with hometown dates around the corner. Not something I took lightly.
While my time with Jasmine had always felt right when we were together, it had been a long time since we had actually sat down and really connected. I was seriously beginning to feel disconnected from her, not to mention overwhelmed by the whole process. Having a camera in your face 24/7 takes a toll and watching the episodes now I can actually see the stress on my face. I was burnt out and at a crossroads. One road leading to Jas and one leading me to potentially never seeing her again.

In the past, I've usually tried to avoid long distance relationships and yet somehow, I was travelling with Jasmine while oddly feeling like I was in a long distance relationship with her at the same time. It felt backwards. How are you supposed to maintain a connection with someone you barely see? Then, seeing her relationships with the other guys move along while mine seemingly stood still only made things feel worse. Remember that these were the very same guys I was befriending and talking to about everything so it was hard to know who to trust and what was real. They were the only people I could to talk to during the filming so we all became really close despite us all dating the same girl. To say it was a weird situation doesn't even begin....
And yes, sure there was a feeling of competition (more so with some of other guys) but I've never been one to feel the need to go down that road. I had no desire to "win" or get roses. It's just that I knew that Jasmine and I could very well have something real and I really wanted to know what that was. I had to find out for sure....instead of going home to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let love slip me by.
That lingering question:
Who was this girl in front of me?

A Guarded Heart

In the past, I've written about 
The mall cop that guards my heart shaped box

His presence in my life was born in my youth in a time of need (more on that later) but had come to be a burden in my relationships as an adult. I've fought a lot battles with him and that was part of the reason why I said yes to maybe and did this show. I knew it would take something bigger than me to help knock down these no longer useful walls of old. By putting it out there for the world to see I wouldn't be able to hide from it anymore. I wouldn't be able to hide my fear of letting people in under the romanticism of travel life anymore. One of the inconveniently harsh truths I've learned about myself while on the road is that my travels have masked some selfishness. Not a fun realization to make and it's been something I've been working hard to face head on. Another is that part of me just feels more at peace when I'm alone and that it's just in my nature to be a bit of a lone wolf.
There's a certain kind of peace that comes in solitude
While I can accept that as part of what makes me who I am, part of me knows that there was also definitely something unhealthy hiding in that push to push away.

With Jasmine, one thing I noticed was that as much as I was guarded, she didn't seem thrown off by it. It felt like she saw past it as being just part of who I was. In fact, it calmed me to see how calm she was in the face of it, as if her quiet acceptance of it was proof that she related and felt somewhat the same way. Like we were
Two wandering wolves meeting in the woods.
The woods of Marrakesh that is;)
I related to Jasmine in more ways than I should considering how little we talked. There was just this unspoken understanding between us. A look in the eye. A feeling underneath it all. For some reason it just felt like we somehow knew each other before meeting. Even that first night when I sang to her outside the limo, I felt like I recognized her even though I knew we had never met. Outside the show it turns out that we walked in very close circles but never actually crossed paths. Jasmine it seems, just came with a familiar feeling. There really is something special about that girl....

So I struggled with opening up and letting her in and no doubt part of that was my own bullshit but in all honesty I knew it was something more than that. A big part of my reservations lay in that we were doing this on a reality TV show..... and I know what you're thinking, "You signed up for this! What were you expecting?" and yes that is very much true but until you've been through something like this, I would kindly ask you to reserve your judgment. Because you really have no idea.....
Now I won't sit here and go off about all the things I struggled with regarding the process of the show as it would be disrespectful to the people that worked tremendously hard to make it a reality. That team of people were amazing and I'm very glad to have gone down this road with them. They took great effort to take care of us during this adventure. It's just that knowing it was a TV show unfortunately poked the old fires of distrust that were already in my heart from days of past.
I've always considered truth the most important currency and in my life I've looked for Truth Before Happiness

So part of my reservations with Jas were tied up in my fears that what if this was all for show? What if it wasn't real? Those kinds of fears where a big part of what made me want to pull away. Having a camera in your face while trying to let down your guard isn't an easy thing to do. So when I said I wish I had met her in a coffee shop, I really meant it.
But that just wasn't the path that brought us together and I couldn't help but wonder; would it be the one that pulled us apart or the one that finally pushed me past myself and towards her?




Time To Get Past The Past

Knowing that home town dates where around the corner, I knew I had some decisions to make. I didn't want to bring my family into this unless I was absolutely certain Jas and I were going to make a real go of this outside of the show. I'm protective of my family life and while the thought of them on National TV is somewhat comical....... it's mostly just utterly terrifying (except for my amazing little nieces because they would totally kill it with cuteness). My family back story isn't one I tell often and while I'm willing to have that conversation in the right situation; I was hesitant to just throw that out there for TV entertainment with no control as to how it would be told. Still though, I knew Jasmine would need to know about that part of my life for us to move forward and during our talk at the rose ceremony I alluded to this.

Growing up, I had a childhood that came with both  Love and Loss and both were certainly early lessons that changed the trajectory of my life. In the past I've written about what it was like growing up with a mom fighting addiction and I chose to write about it in the hopes that by putting it out there I could move past it and find peace with it. There's something cathartic about writing what you feel you can't say. There's a release in penning it down and putting it out there that let's you stop carrying it with you...... which is I guess what this is. And while I'm nervous to include these writings in this post, I think the truth is needed here..... but before we dive any deeper down that rabbit hole and hijack this post in that retelling, I'll just include the above link that tells the tale and this one below about how it's affected  my adult life.

Running for home 

Like I said to Jas that night; there's going to be good things and there's going to be bad things as you get to know me and the truth is; you get both.


The 11th Hour Kiss

Before we end this already far too feely and drawn out post, I guess I should stop delaying the inevitable and finally get to that kiss. The kiss heard around the riad. How appropriate that it almost took me longer to get to it in this post then it took to happen on the show. What can I say? I've always been something of a pleasure delayer and tend to leave the best for last. As a kid, I always liked Christmas Eve more than Christmas and I used to keep a present unopened under the tree (much to my family's annoyance) so as to keep something there to look forward to. To hold on to that feeling that it could be anything.
For me,
        Anticipation was always the real gift
The wonderment of what might be. Surely that played apart of why I waited with Jas but more so, I wanted to be sure of who she was before going down that road. Knowing who someone is makes it so much more enjoyable and natural to me. Plus, I am basically the reembodied spirit animal of a turtle and make moves at about that same speed when it's someone I really like.  #40yearoldvirginisalmostmybiography. I've just never been one to rush and anyone who's ever seen me eat knows this well. #canigetthistogo?#awkwardfirstdates

It's not to say I didn't want to kiss her before that night. Jasmine is smart, funny and beautiful and I wanted to kiss her all the way back in Jamaica. I just wanted to know more about her before I did. Too often in the past I have found myself dating someone who I thought I really connected with only to later on realize that I was lost in the fog of attraction. This time, I wanted to make sure it was substance over style and not the other way around.

Lastly, before we go, I will say this: it's very easy to look ahead and after my time with Jasmine on that rose ceremony I couldn't help but wonder. Yet even as I did, my ever constant security guard reminded me that it's a very dangerous thing to do. Either way, I know this:
We don't get to chose what comes tomorrow. But we do get to chose what we do today and looking back on that night in Morocco I am glad that I made the decision to let down my guard and let her in to see me for who I am.


Oh and one last thing: That day at the riad while sitting in the sun before the ceremony, I wrote a song that about all of this and so last night I recorded it (mistakes and all) as I figured it should be part of this post. In my head, it should be Eddie Vedder singing it..... but I guess you're stuck with me.
Check it out below.
Thanks for reading my friends:)
With truth and love,
K