A Bachelor's Diary Episode 3: The heart of the storm

I find myself lost once again.

This time deep in the hull of a boat as we cut through the cold Atlantic waters. Hunkered down below deck in my cramped quarters, I listen to the waves rhythmically slap their dull thud against the hull. As the boat sways back and forth in its ever constant fight with the waves, my body is loudly letting me know it does not approve of my life choices.
You do not belong here it says. I tell my body I know better and pretend sea sickness is just a mind game.... but I'm not entirely convinced. I peer out my porthole in hopes of reprieve only to have those hopes drown in the cold Atlantic waters pummelling the glass. I pull the blanket over my head while tucked in my tiny bunk bed to forget the unnerving feeling. The bed is a triangle shaped bunk 2 feet wide at the head and 1 foot at my feet. It's functional and fits my living space, which is the size of a modest closet and is my supposed getaway from my work. A getaway I share it with a coworker I just met.

Suddenly those east Vancouver basement suites on Craigslist seem luxurious in their mildew tinted spaciousness.

But my Vancouver days and it's skewed rental market are far far away now.
I'm currently on the other side of the continent, underwater and nowhere near land. Surrounded by absolutely nothing but the sea..... I still feel like I can't get away.
The story of my life. 

This is the part of the story where the protagonist freaks the fuck out.

Well, this may be my first time working at sea but it's not the first time I've felt like this. Not at all. It's a feeling I actually know pretty well. A feeling I seem to search for more and more in my years of late. Why I put myself here is a valid question, one I ask myself often these days and its answer lies deep in the bowels of who I am....

Ok so........ are we not doing phrasing anymore? I know this is a bit more of a serious post but come on already.....bowels?

My decision to change careers and become a deckhand is born of a deeper theme in my life to seek out the unknown. To search for adventure in that which is challenging and often uncomfortable. These days, it's one of two adventures I'm currently living. The other is a TV retelling of an improbable journey I went through earlier this year. A journey with a girl named Jasmine........ and nineteen other dudes. They were there too.
Yay...

But as I lay here remembering that journey with her, all that comes to mind right now is a conversation in Jamaica with just the two of us.

"I was going to take you on a hike up this beautiful mountain but the rain decided otherwise... so I figured why not just sit and talk on the balcony. Are you cool with that?" she says. Finally. A chance to get to know the question mark in a sun dress standing in front of me. "Yes that's perfect" I say. I had been wanting to sit down and finally find out who she is for three weeks now and it seems the rain gods approve.
Talking with Jasmine is easy. She's chill, down to earth and open hearted. I've never been one for talking about the weather, (pretty sure I just did that) usually preferring to dive below the surface level small talk and I'm relieved to see she's completely game to do the same. It feels like we've known each other for a long time and I feel oddly comfortable telling her truths I usually keep guarded. When I started this journey I made the decision to be an open book with her but I'd be lying if I said I could keep a secret from her. She just has this way of disarming you and drawing you in. It's as if she can look inside and turn down the feedback noise in my head. Muting the ever constant chatter. There's so much hype around whether or not you will like each other and have a connection so it's a good feeling when there's one actually there. It feels...... honest. We talk about everything and anything. 

Then she says "Tell me about your past relationships."

And things were going so well....

A flash of lightning lights up my window. We're headed into a storm. The unhappy boat begins sliding around on the troubled waves. I can hear it's discontent as the yacht moans it's creaks and groans as it lobs back and forth. I can feel it in that ever louder feeling in my stomach as we chug ahead into the dark. There won't be sleeping tonight. I head up to the bridge as it's my turn for watch duty soon anyways. The rain is coming in sideways now. The lightning flashes across the midnight sky. We are surrounded by total blackness. It has me feeling immediately awake and very much alive. I look to the radar and see we are quite literally in the heart of the storm.
I stare off into the nothingness and my mind drifts back...

Normally, I avoid past relationship talks as long as possible. It's just one of those conversations that never seems to benefit either party and for me, it's not something I need to know. But I get why she asks. It's a fair question. So, in the spirit of truth, I tell her the good and the bad of my life. How I've been travelling for the last five years and how I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing women who've let me into their lives. How when you're abroad living in a new country, it can be easier to open up and let someone in as you journey through something new together. Adventure is a romantic affair......but with it comes the eventual goodbyes when it's time for one of you to pick up the bags again. In my last line of work, contracts usually had me going somewhere new before I ever wanted to leave and I all too often found myself saying goodbye before either of us were ready. It's a sad truth but your heart finds a way to get used to it. Kind of like how your friends get used to you always going again. I've said it before:

There's a special kind of guilt that comes with getting good at goodbye

So my love for travel has kept me lacking in lasting love for the last long while. Letting people in, loving them for a little while and then letting them go. In some ways it's been good for me. Getting me out of my head, learning to open up and let people in. In others, it's been bad, reinforcing those old ideas that sooner or later, love has a way of leaving.

Somehow, Jasmine and I get to the topic of my family. I tell her about my sister, who I often call my lighthouse (no matter where I am she always can bring me back home) and of course of my amazing little nieces. Before long, I'm telling her about the my most recent trip to the airport when my 4 year old niece asked: Uncle Kevin,
Do you leave because you're scared to love?

Cue the crickets.
That moment floored me. It still rings in my head and serves up a lot of bad uncle guilt. Kids only have two volumes: gibberish and complete unadulterated truth. 

And we both know which one that was.

The look on Jasmine's face says it all. I can tell it's a moment that will now define us. Part of me regrets saying it. Part of me is glad I did. This is me. This is who I am. Good and bad. There's both to find here in the search of who I am. Truth is
You don't find yourself alone because of bad luck. I am where I have chosen to be. It's a hard truth but one that I have chosen to realize over time. And maybe that's exactly why I found myself in front of Jasmine. Why I said yes to maybe and started this improbable adventure. I chose to be here. To confront this theme in my life and move past it. 

But I can't help but wonder: can she see past my past?

I step out onto the bow of the ship to clear my head. The rain has stopped now and clouds have parted. The humid air is warm as it flicks sea water against my face and hints that we are nearing our home port. The night's storm sits far off on the horizon and its lightning still flickers. I look up and see that the night sky is now lit by a universe of stars. It's one of those nights where you can see everything. The milky way's faint glow streaks across the sky and all my problems suddenly feel so very small and far away. I stand there in complete silence for what feels like forever, watching for shooting stars. I take it all in: the waves crashing against the hull, the lightning dancing in the distance and the light of the universe shining down on my tired shoulders. I fight the urge to break out the camera, knowing that no picture would ever do this justice..... and it seems fitting that way.
Some of life's moments are just for right now. To be lived in that moment and kept only in your heart for every moment after. It's one of the many lessons that has come with a life spent travelling. I'm overcome with an overwhelming feeling of being right where I am supposed to be. On my path to wherever it is I'm going in my life.......but right beside that feeling is something else too: a wanting. A desire to share this gift I've just been given. A feeling that it's time to share this life with someone else. 

A truth:

A real love of searching for adventure that found that love IS the real adventure

Some will read this and see a guy who spent a life leaving love. Others will see someone with a joy for seeing the world. Myself, standing on the bow of a star lit ship in the middle of the ocean, I see in me someone who just wants a partner to share these moments with as we journey through the dark. 

So..... how about that weather?