Made in China 3

Hello friend. Good to see you again.
In the last two posts, we spent an inordinate amount of time talking about toilets and driving in China. So in this one, we will cover everything else.

I know what you're thinking: do gross toilets and horrible Chinese driving really deserve their own individual posts while EVERYTHING else gets mash potato'ed into one?
Yes. Yes they do. This is my blog which means everything I say is perfect and right and besides;
I love mash potatoes.
So with that in mind, here is everything else you can expect to see on your next trip to China:

1- Everyone smokes. Everywhere.... so get used to it. Around 2000 Chinese people die everyday from smoking.

But they look sooooo cool doing it.


2- People are going to stare at you. For long periods of time. Then, when you finally acknowledge them in hopes that they will look away; they won't. 
You are going to loose all staring contests you have in China. Ready your pride for this.
Sometimes, I would just mess with people by moo-ing like a cow to freak them out into leaving. 
That works by the way.

You don't even blink do you?

3- The Chinese language is not exactly melodic. It's sharp and halted which means they that everything sounds like angry yelling. 
Or if you are Russell Peters; it just sounds like funny:

 4- Don't waste your time sorting bottles.
Recycling in Asia is like democracy: it sounds like a cool idea but it has yet to be implemented.

5- People love poodles here. A lot. So much so that they show it by painting them to look like little homemade CareBears. Seeing how poodles are not real dogs, I have no problem with this. I say why not go balls out and break out the Bedazzer.

"Skittle! Come back here and put on your fall coat!"

6- In the Chinese language, the word "that' is pronounced "nigga". I swear to God (seeing how I don't believe in a "God", let's just say I swear to Morgan Freeman. It's basically the same thing). I bring you "veridad" my amigos. Just imagine how many times you uses the word "that" in a day. You will often see little old ladies pointing and yelling "nigga." 
It's kinda like vacationing in Florida.

5- Ok, this one's important:

If you need a haircut, it's probably best to just do that shit yourself. In fact you would be better off just using a rusty knife.
Or a blender. 

Because if you go into a hair salon and ask them for a little trim around ears, this is what you get:

I look like a football hooligan trying out for a part in the next Twilight movie. Not exactly a good look for me.

The goggles! They do nothing....

6- Lens-less glasses are all the rage here. All the cool kids are doing it, because after all, eye glasses aren't for making your sight better but instead they're for making the sight of your face look better to someone else's eyes. As an added bonus, by taking the lenses out of the glasses, it makes them much easier to see through. It also makes the very reason you wear them even more see through. How very perfect. 

7- Chinese people actually do love taking pictures of themselves while flashing the peace sign. So all you people who said Miley Cyrus is racist can go suck a Chinese cockle because that little starlet is clearly all seeing and Yoda wise beyond her Nickelodeon years (Side note: who would've thought that a guy named Billy Ray would have a racist daughter?)

Interesting......

Now I'm sure there are some people would say that all this "Chinese people are different" talk sounds a little too Klu-Kluk but I'm compelled to point out that the people who can't wait to say that my observations on China are wrong are the same people who HAVE NEVER BEEN TO CHINA.

I want to auto-tune your face

Maybe they have just been too busy at a "PARTY IN THE USA"

So to them I say: Go blow your issues in a tissue.

"Dad your embarrassing me!"

8- Many people in China don't understand how to behave in a gym (this is a whole other post in itself). For example: here's a pic of an old dude wearing gloves, dress shoes, winter clothes and sun glasses while walking backwards on a treadmill. To top it off, he even hung the rest of his clothes on a machine nearby as if to claim his territory. But at least he's not smoking....because yes, that happens too. Sometimes they smoke in the gym. They also eat there too because why bother to wait until you are home? What better way to quench that work out thirst then with a spicy bowl of fish noodles.

And me without me sweater

My personal favourite oddity: they just walk up to you and take the weights you are using.... but not just during your rest in between sets, but DURING your actual exercise. I once had a guy try to take a plate off the bar WHILE I was doing bench pressing it. The best part: he was completely surprised to find out that I wasn't "cool" with that.

Realistically, I could go on for hours recounting the Bizzaro world that is the gym in China, from dudes blow drying their jingle balls to old men watching you shower so let's just skip the rant and get....

!!!!*Breaking news: We interrupt this grumbling blog to bring you a developing story. We now go live to our Canadian corespondent Kevin in the field:
"It turns out China is different Chuck. I'll keep you updated as this story breaks! Back to you."


Ok. That was kind of lame...... not exactly a stunning literary device but to be fair, in my mind there was a hovering helicopter in the background.
I also had an ear piece...

So ya....I guess the whole "China is different" story isn't exactly hot off the presses.

What should I have expected? Who flies across the world to another country then complains when it's different than home? Isn't that kind of the point of travelling?
Does it really make sense to go to Shanghai and bitch about the lack of freedom fries?

No. It doesn't. That would be stupid.
Almost as stupid as renaming french fries to piss of the French. 
Checkmate America. 

China is a totally different culture from the other side of the planet. Why would I expect them to be like us in the west? I can only imagine how insane North America looks from the outside looking in:

What a glowing ambassador of western culture you are "Sweet Brown". Thank you for telling it like it is sister.

Or how about our nonsensical holiday traditions?

Ok well what's the point of all this?

I suppose it could be that we are all weird....or is it normal? Wait: does everybody being weird make everybody normal and if so 

isn't that kind of weird?

The point (if there even is one) is that "normalcy" is merely a point of view. And besides; without weird people to make fun of, we normal people wouldn't have anyone to make us feel better about ourselves. 

Said no good person ever. 

It would be nice to wrap all this bull-hickey up in one fast, tidy, little paragraph but it turns out that trying to sum up an entire culture into 5 minutes of picture peppered reading is harder than Kanye West listening to Kanye West.

I really wanted these "China" posts to be a trinity but it looks like there's no more room in this densely packed wonton so I will have to save the rest of it in the fridge until tomorrow.  I'll be back in a two shakes of Jackie Chan's tail with the moral and slightly offensive conclusion to 

Made in China: The Neverending story.

This is airplanes in China.  I swear to Morgan Freeman.