Made in China part deuce

Ni hao reader

If you are still reading this then it means that my long winding drive through the "cultural differences" of China hasn't thrown you off yet. So buckle up (unless you're in China because they clearly don't do that there) because we are about to go off-roading:

It's time to talk about toilets.

Let's see how many poop puns I can squeeze out.

Before China, I had what I thought was a healthy fear of public toilets (fun fact: public fear of toilets is called Lutropublicaphobia). You could say they scared the crap out of me...(shameless). I just naturally assumed that every surface was coated in urine and didn't go anywhere near one unless I happened to be wearing a full bio hazard suit. 






But nothing prepared me for what I had in store while traveling Asia. In my days of toilet naivety, I remember being somewhat like this guy:

Since then I've seen things. Things that can't be unseen.
One could say I've been "soiled".

Want my advice while you're in China? Hold it.
Just hold it man. There is no need to put yourself through the PTSD you will get from this experience:

They really spruced things up with those blue garbage cans

I know what you're thinking and the answer is no. This isn't a screenshot from the movie "Saw".
It's from a bathroom in China. I swear.



Now to be fair, I should state that not all bathrooms look like this. Some are the western style my privileged ass is used to:

 I should've dressed up...

But finding a water closet oasis like this one is a rare treat for the cheeks and the problem is that you never know what kind of bathroom you're going to get. It's like those gift box chocolates with all the different flavours but instead of hoping for truffle or strawberry, you get one filled with.......  
Well maybe I shouldn't finish that sentence.

Some of the bathrooms even cost money to enter. At first, this really pissed me off but then I realized that this is actually a good thing as the paying ones usually have toilet paper and even the luxury of soap (which is more rare in China than my shoe size).

Sadly, I've found it's best not to get used to treats like stalls, toilet paper and soap because soon enough you will find yourself up shit creek with none of the above. Anyone who has ever had travellers sickness knows what I'm talking about. Mix that in with the long bus trips from the islands and suddenly these glorified shit holes seem more appealing than the three sea shells:

Is that where I put my feet?

But still it just doesn't make sense. Why the lack of doors? Are people here so used to being around other people that they get lonely when baking solo bathroom biscuits? Wanna hold hands for support? I mean that solely in a "I'm worried I might fall over while squatting "kind of way.
OR maybe the Chinese bathroom planners just want to be ready in case George Michaels visits?





Or could it be that doors are super expensive to make in China? Maybe they are just trying to open the place up and make it look more spacious and inviting? What other possible reason could there be for publicly shaming everyone while they try to log out in peace?








Oh. Right.



Because Chinese people just don't give a shit.
For them, it ain't no thang. They're just doing their business. Crunching numbers so to speak.
It's just like that classic American novel "Everybody poops".
Now a feature length movie...

Not so good as a pop-up book

While myself, I will probably never fully get past the traumatic experience that is the Chinese bathroom but I do have to commend how the Chinese don't get all backed up about it. They hardly seem to notice. Many hang out, smoke a cigarette and will even talk on the phone or play on the internet while dropping dookie. Perhaps they are on workpoop.com calculating just exactly how much they are earning while they grease the punch bowl.
Yes this is an actual website and no I don't use it.
 Now maybe all this is a bit tooooo comfortable but I still say we in the west should all get over ourselves a bit and strive to be more like those Zen master Chinese poopers.

 Or maybe like this girl.

When you don't want to get caught taking a pic

Or how about this guy in the blue here! He's reading the newspaper.... that is on the ground..... in front of the toilet! Is there any place more filthy on earth?
Don't click on this

Still though....that shit ain't cool.

I'm sorry China; I guess I just expect more. If you really are going to be the country that takes over world then you really need to up your toilet game. I was really hoping for some sort of new age toilets with lasers coming out of their mouths. 

Or something more along the lines of the toilet in this commercial (which begs the question: when did Michael Bay start directing toilet commercials?).

Yes the toilet situation in China is a gamble. It's kind of like Mike Tyson; you never know what you are going to get: Sometimes it's ok, almost pleasant even:

..... and then sometimes you suddenly find you've put your ass in a bad situation and the toilet bites your ear off. It's exactly like that. 

Obviously.

Or.....you're like me and you continually get stuck using Smurf toilets. The worst part of these mini mocking toilets is that they make your dump look disproportionately huge. It's an optical illusion that makes it look like you just shit a mountain. 

I know everything is supposed to be smaller
in Asia but this is just ridiculous

Maybe all this is why some people in China avoid the bathrooms all together and just do it on the street.
Seriously. This actually happens.

For the first week I was there, I found that I was always having to keep one eye on the ground when I was walking because there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of dog shit to dogs.
Then I stepped in the cold hard truth and realized.....that shit ain't from dogs.


Suddenly that black cat crossing your path doesn't seem so bad does it Neo?

Yes, in China if you need to go, wherever you are is a perfectly good spot. This also goes for burping, farting, hocking (is that even a word?) and spitting. Oh and picking your nose. Couldn't forget that one. It's a favourite.

This "the world is your toilet" mentality is taught from a young age where a child's underwear come with a hole in the crotch. That way, they can just piss and shit anywhere.

Hey man can I borrow your bike?!

Seriously. They don't use diapers. They just go baby-commando style which leaves me wondering how the parents don't have crap stains on their shirts?







(It's probably time to clear my internet browsing history after searching for this picture.)

Ok. That's it. I've reached the rim and I'm officially done with all the poo poo humour. I think I hit my limit at crotch-less baby pants. So let's flush the toilet on this post and get back to pretending that none of us ever poop. Ever.

It was someone else I swear.

Time to relax and throw in a good movie. Anyone see this yet?

It's a cuming of age story

Part 3 tomorrow