A Bachelor's Diary Episode 7 Getting Good At Goodbye

Hello friends, how goes being you?
Let's talk. I'll go first;)
If you are reading this then I'm going to assume that you've been keeping up with my days on the Bachelorette Canada and know how episode 7 ended. In case you haven't, here's the episode in irritatingly zoomed in and in poor quality on YouTube. YAY! Skip to 17:57 min to see our rock climbing date and 26:35 for the conversation up on the top of the mountain.

Now that we are all on the same page, let's get down what is going to be my final blog about this show! Holy moly me o my how time flies when you're talking about yourself. Should we cue the dramatic music? Does anybody know Hans Zimmer?

Nobody? Bueller? Ok... moving on.
With this being my goodbye episode, surely there's a lot to talk about........
but here's the thing: I don't know if we really need to.
You see, if you've read my other Bachelorette blogs starting way back when this was all just a maybe then you know where I'm at with all this and how I feel about everything up until now. You know all my fears and reservations about trusting reality tv. You know all the funny, strange and sometimes frustrating moments with this random group of great guys. And you also know the deeper moments with Jas and what that meant to me. So, sure we could hash out that last conversation we had together on that mountain top and get into how it felt to say goodbye. I could tell you what it was like to look this amazing girl in the eye, one I had grown to really like and say those words that I knew would set us down different roads, but the truth is, when I sat down and watched it on TV, it was (for the most part) all there. No frustrating TV edit, no bullshit, just the full conversation in all its rawness and honesty.

And I've got to say that the cynic in my was pleasantly surprised. So to rehash the whole thing here just seems..... unneeded. I've always believed that the truth will set you free (I've also always been the kind of guy who says cheesy stuff like that) and in this case I think it really applies.
Today's gift of truth is tomorrow's freedom from regret. 

With Jas, there was a lot we wanted to talk about and while there was so many things we never really got the chance to discuss, we did manage to make time for the most important things. The soulful things that come from below the skin and deep within the heart. The things that make up who we are. Actually, when I think back on our talks, it seems like we ONLY had super heavy talks and while sure, I'm willing to go there sometimes, the fact is in normal life I wouldn't do that right out of the gate with someone. "Do you think that love lasts?" is a great opening question to scare the hell out of your next tinder date.

But the bachelorette world isn't normal dating, it's more like relationship steroids so we found ourselves talking about the heaviest stuff first and trying to work our way backwards. If it was up to me, I would've like a one on one date to Netflix and chill in our pyjama pants where we order in take out, watch a good movie and maybe play some crib.
Which doesn't exactly make for thrilling TV.


So old people card games aside, I'm sure I came across as that dude that talks too many feels on the show but I'm actually glad it happened that way because when it came time to say goodbye, neither of us had to worry that we didn't say what needed to be said. There's a peace that comes with truth and when it comes to Jas and I, I know we're good because we both know who we are and what we are looking for and most importantly; we were both honest to each other about that. Was I sad? Yeah. Yeah I was. Part of me will always think about her and wonder about what if she had said yes to taking off together...... but I respect her for knowing what she needed and I truly do wish the very best for her with whoever she chooses to make a life with. While we might be going different ways, I really do believe that
Your adventure is wherever you choose to make it

So go make it great Jas.

Getting good at goodbye

So instead of giving you the play by play of what was said on that mountain, I want to instead take this opportunity to talk about something other than me for once (I know, this is a rarity so soak it up) I want to tell you about the people who made this show happen: the crew.
Now, in my past, I've spent a fair amount of time working on film sets (a story for another day) so I know a thing or two about that whole world. I've been on enough bad sets with unhappy crews to know a good one when I see it so let me tell you about the crew that made this show happen: The were by far the NICEST, hardworking group of people I've ever seen in this industry. Bar none. Period. Full stop. Othersentencethatshowsimportance. One of my biggest let downs with writing about this whole journey was that I had to agree to not break the 4th wall so I wasn't able to discuss that side of things and for me that was HUGELY interesting. I promise this crew was way more cooler than us bachelors and while I'm technically breaking my agreement by saying all this, I would hope that they let it slide this one time seeing how it's said in love and with the utmost respect. (Read: this is me asking you guys to please let this slide and not sue my broke ass.)
Still friends?





Alright:)

The producers also took a Quantum Leap of faith in letting me write this blog in the first place when they very easily could've kiboshed the whole thing and shut me down like Warren Wells Fargo. No one would've blamed them had they done that yet they trusted me to tell the story the way I saw it and for that I owe them my thanks. Writing about this journey unpacked everything that was floating around in my head and led me to some very needed lessons about what I'm looking for. It also let me get away with making way too many cat puns while trashing the other guys with semi good humoured jokes ........so that was alright too.
The relationships I built with this amazing crew carried me through what were some very confusing and emotional times and I will keep these people in a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything my friends. I'm honoured to have been a part of it.

And speaking of amazing people..... let's talk about the other guys on the show. How surprised was I to find that I actually really liked all these dudes?! We joke that we went on TV to find love and ended up finding it for each other. Now, twenty guys in love isn't the kind of movie I would normally rent.......but it turns out this one was definitely worth it.  #bachelorbromance2016 #bestieswithtestes #dontyoutestthesebesties
I related to all of these guys in one way or another and I have to say; I miss those crazy dudes. I'm still holding out that the network makes a show where we all get an apartment together. Kickstarter anyone?

 

But as much as I loved all these cats, there's one guy I want to tell you about in particular and in fact, there's a conversation we had that perfectly sums him up. On the show, this bachelor really dove in head first and wore his heart on his sleeve and as time progressed, we became pretty good friends. I watched him fall hard for Jasmine and then get pretty torn up as he had to watch her date other guys. (don't try this at home kids trust me, it sucks) I fell into a bit of a big brother role with some of these guys on the show so I felt like I should warn him and tell him to protect his heart. I told him to remember that this was a reality show and that he could get really hurt. His response was:
"When it comes to love, you just have to go for it, regardless of where you are and how you find it."

While I didn't realize it at the time, this talk wasn't me teaching him something but instead him teaching me. I was wrong to tell him to guard his heart and looking back now I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me and my foolish ways. And if by any chance you don't already know who I'm talking about, here's a song he kept asking me to play while we were on the show and that should give you a pretty good idea who I'm talking about.

So many feels;)



You know, considering this was supposed to be a short blog with me not having much to say, I seem to have found a way to ramble on for far too long (it's kinda my thang) so let's wrap this up before the academy throws on the music and let's get to the final thanks of the evening and Jerry's....I mean Kevin P's final thought:

I want to thank you. The reader. For taking the time to read my little thoughts and watch this silly show. For investing in me and coming along for the ride with all the highs and lows. For all my friends and family who gave me so much truly unbelievable support through this and also for all the viewers too, who reached out to offer their support as well (not an easy thing to do to put your neck out). Doing this show has not only taught me a lot about myself but also about people as a whole. I know I've said it before..... but I really do believe that we are all just a bunch of weirdos looking for love. That's it. It's all we have and it's what this whole thing is about. It's what we all need, what we all are searching for and what brings out the best in all of us, even when it sometimes needs to destroy us to do so.
So with all that said, I'll leave you with that one last lesson that my good friend Mikhela showed me:






Let down your guard...
Let love in...
And take the leap into the unknown.












Written with the biggest love I can possibly offer you.
See you on the road,
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 2

Ok so this is my Coles Notes on Ep 6 in Marrakesh continued. I decided to split this blog up into two parts because we all know the average attention span is shorter than:

1. The list of guys left on this show

2. Jasmine standing next to Kyle #tenfeetofKyle

3. Wale standing next to Kyle 

4. Basically any human being on earth standing next to Kyle

5. You've already stopped reading this haven't you?

Anyways, the main reason I separated this blog into two parts is because this is the heavier of things that is on my mind. Not the fluff but instead the feels and not a lot of funny. So if you're still looking for laughs, here's me doing......whatever this is: 

Ok. Now that we've established that I shouldn't be taken too seriously, let's tear me apart in the most brutal of fashions. 


First off, here's the episode on for your viewing pleasure. Complete with a lovely background of jungle animals because...... the internet?

Skip ahead to 43:00 for our talk on our group date and 53:50 for our talk at the rose ceremony.

Feeling The Heat

When we left Quebec, I was very happy to get back on the road and explore Morocco as these days, I feel more at home out of a backpack than I do in my home country. There's an unfortunate truth that comes with a life on the road:
You can't go home again 
From the moment we landed, Marrakech did not disappoint. It's a beautiful, interesting hub of activity and a real melting pot of culture. So rich in colours, textures and flavours and it felt so good to be there. However, with that excitement of being somewhere new also came an entirely different feeling. By the time we got to our riad it was very clear to me that this was no longer just a fun little experience to take as it came but was now getting much more serious and the pressure was on with hometown dates around the corner. Not something I took lightly.
While my time with Jasmine had always felt right when we were together, it had been a long time since we had actually sat down and really connected. I was seriously beginning to feel disconnected from her, not to mention overwhelmed by the whole process. Having a camera in your face 24/7 takes a toll and watching the episodes now I can actually see the stress on my face. I was burnt out and at a crossroads. One road leading to Jas and one leading me to potentially never seeing her again.

In the past, I've usually tried to avoid long distance relationships and yet somehow, I was travelling with Jasmine while oddly feeling like I was in a long distance relationship with her at the same time. It felt backwards. How are you supposed to maintain a connection with someone you barely see? Then, seeing her relationships with the other guys move along while mine seemingly stood still only made things feel worse. Remember that these were the very same guys I was befriending and talking to about everything so it was hard to know who to trust and what was real. They were the only people I could to talk to during the filming so we all became really close despite us all dating the same girl. To say it was a weird situation doesn't even begin....
And yes, sure there was a feeling of competition (more so with some of other guys) but I've never been one to feel the need to go down that road. I had no desire to "win" or get roses. It's just that I knew that Jasmine and I could very well have something real and I really wanted to know what that was. I had to find out for sure....instead of going home to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let love slip me by.
That lingering question:
Who was this girl in front of me?

A Guarded Heart

In the past, I've written about 
The mall cop that guards my heart shaped box

His presence in my life was born in my youth in a time of need (more on that later) but had come to be a burden in my relationships as an adult. I've fought a lot battles with him and that was part of the reason why I said yes to maybe and did this show. I knew it would take something bigger than me to help knock down these no longer useful walls of old. By putting it out there for the world to see I wouldn't be able to hide from it anymore. I wouldn't be able to hide my fear of letting people in under the romanticism of travel life anymore. One of the inconveniently harsh truths I've learned about myself while on the road is that my travels have masked some selfishness. Not a fun realization to make and it's been something I've been working hard to face head on. Another is that part of me just feels more at peace when I'm alone and that it's just in my nature to be a bit of a lone wolf.
There's a certain kind of peace that comes in solitude
While I can accept that as part of what makes me who I am, part of me knows that there was also definitely something unhealthy hiding in that push to push away.

With Jasmine, one thing I noticed was that as much as I was guarded, she didn't seem thrown off by it. It felt like she saw past it as being just part of who I was. In fact, it calmed me to see how calm she was in the face of it, as if her quiet acceptance of it was proof that she related and felt somewhat the same way. Like we were
Two wandering wolves meeting in the woods.
The woods of Marrakesh that is;)
I related to Jasmine in more ways than I should considering how little we talked. There was just this unspoken understanding between us. A look in the eye. A feeling underneath it all. For some reason it just felt like we somehow knew each other before meeting. Even that first night when I sang to her outside the limo, I felt like I recognized her even though I knew we had never met. Outside the show it turns out that we walked in very close circles but never actually crossed paths. Jasmine it seems, just came with a familiar feeling. There really is something special about that girl....

So I struggled with opening up and letting her in and no doubt part of that was my own bullshit but in all honesty I knew it was something more than that. A big part of my reservations lay in that we were doing this on a reality TV show..... and I know what you're thinking, "You signed up for this! What were you expecting?" and yes that is very much true but until you've been through something like this, I would kindly ask you to reserve your judgment. Because you really have no idea.....
Now I won't sit here and go off about all the things I struggled with regarding the process of the show as it would be disrespectful to the people that worked tremendously hard to make it a reality. That team of people were amazing and I'm very glad to have gone down this road with them. They took great effort to take care of us during this adventure. It's just that knowing it was a TV show unfortunately poked the old fires of distrust that were already in my heart from days of past.
I've always considered truth the most important currency and in my life I've looked for Truth Before Happiness

So part of my reservations with Jas were tied up in my fears that what if this was all for show? What if it wasn't real? Those kinds of fears where a big part of what made me want to pull away. Having a camera in your face while trying to let down your guard isn't an easy thing to do. So when I said I wish I had met her in a coffee shop, I really meant it.
But that just wasn't the path that brought us together and I couldn't help but wonder; would it be the one that pulled us apart or the one that finally pushed me past myself and towards her?




Time To Get Past The Past

Knowing that home town dates where around the corner, I knew I had some decisions to make. I didn't want to bring my family into this unless I was absolutely certain Jas and I were going to make a real go of this outside of the show. I'm protective of my family life and while the thought of them on National TV is somewhat comical....... it's mostly just utterly terrifying (except for my amazing little nieces because they would totally kill it with cuteness). My family back story isn't one I tell often and while I'm willing to have that conversation in the right situation; I was hesitant to just throw that out there for TV entertainment with no control as to how it would be told. Still though, I knew Jasmine would need to know about that part of my life for us to move forward and during our talk at the rose ceremony I alluded to this.

Growing up, I had a childhood that came with both  Love and Loss and both were certainly early lessons that changed the trajectory of my life. In the past I've written about what it was like growing up with a mom fighting addiction and I chose to write about it in the hopes that by putting it out there I could move past it and find peace with it. There's something cathartic about writing what you feel you can't say. There's a release in penning it down and putting it out there that let's you stop carrying it with you...... which is I guess what this is. And while I'm nervous to include these writings in this post, I think the truth is needed here..... but before we dive any deeper down that rabbit hole and hijack this post in that retelling, I'll just include the above link that tells the tale and this one below about how it's affected  my adult life.

Running for home 

Like I said to Jas that night; there's going to be good things and there's going to be bad things as you get to know me and the truth is; you get both.


The 11th Hour Kiss

Before we end this already far too feely and drawn out post, I guess I should stop delaying the inevitable and finally get to that kiss. The kiss heard around the riad. How appropriate that it almost took me longer to get to it in this post then it took to happen on the show. What can I say? I've always been something of a pleasure delayer and tend to leave the best for last. As a kid, I always liked Christmas Eve more than Christmas and I used to keep a present unopened under the tree (much to my family's annoyance) so as to keep something there to look forward to. To hold on to that feeling that it could be anything.
For me,
        Anticipation was always the real gift
The wonderment of what might be. Surely that played apart of why I waited with Jas but more so, I wanted to be sure of who she was before going down that road. Knowing who someone is makes it so much more enjoyable and natural to me. Plus, I am basically the reembodied spirit animal of a turtle and make moves at about that same speed when it's someone I really like.  #40yearoldvirginisalmostmybiography. I've just never been one to rush and anyone who's ever seen me eat knows this well. #canigetthistogo?#awkwardfirstdates

It's not to say I didn't want to kiss her before that night. Jasmine is smart, funny and beautiful and I wanted to kiss her all the way back in Jamaica. I just wanted to know more about her before I did. Too often in the past I have found myself dating someone who I thought I really connected with only to later on realize that I was lost in the fog of attraction. This time, I wanted to make sure it was substance over style and not the other way around.

Lastly, before we go, I will say this: it's very easy to look ahead and after my time with Jasmine on that rose ceremony I couldn't help but wonder. Yet even as I did, my ever constant security guard reminded me that it's a very dangerous thing to do. Either way, I know this:
We don't get to chose what comes tomorrow. But we do get to chose what we do today and looking back on that night in Morocco I am glad that I made the decision to let down my guard and let her in to see me for who I am.


Oh and one last thing: That day at the riad while sitting in the sun before the ceremony, I wrote a song that about all of this and so last night I recorded it (mistakes and all) as I figured it should be part of this post. In my head, it should be Eddie Vedder singing it..... but I guess you're stuck with me.
Check it out below.
Thanks for reading my friends:)
With truth and love,
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 1

Hey there internet world. How goes Pixeltown procrastination? Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts instead of doing that thing you are TOTALLY supposed to be doing right now so I'm going to try my best to make it an enjoyable break from today's todo list.

I felt it was time to write again seeing how it has been two weeks since my last post and there's been a fair bit rolling around in the old brain box. Now, sometimes when I write, I like to pen a tale that puts you in my shoes, gives you all the feels and shares a lesson that life has taught me. Click here for one of those. Other times it's more of a social commentary where I dissect an idea and try to cram in as much funny stuff as possible. Click here for that.
Today however, I just want to get some shit off my chest.
#thatswhatshesaid #shesaiditwasinkarmasutra #shelied
#hobbies

Moving on......

I'm going to do this post like a Coles notes of things on my mind regarding this little thing called The Bachelorette Canada and if you're sick of hearing about that (which is totally understandable) then here's some pointless explosions for you:

All better? Good. Now here's what has been rolling around in my head as of late.

Kevin P "Deckhand"?

Work in progress 👍🌞☺

A photo posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Jun 23, 2016 at 5:10pm PDT

One of the questions I keep getting asked is what is a deckhand, and when did that happen? For many of my friends, the deckhand gig seems new. Truth is, I had been planning it for a couple years now, taking courses and building contacts in the yachting world. After filming the Bachelorette, I pulled the pin and flew to France to find a job on a boat. Fast forward to today and I can say that yes, I finally did find a job and I now work and live on a yacht that is based in Florida for the winter. Hello trips to the Caribbean, goodbye winter air that makes my face hurt.

As for what the job entails, it is basically everything involved in taking care of the boat and the guests on it. There's a million things to do and it's a really interesting and challenging job. It has been a pretty intense experience so far, especially seeing how I basically know nothing about boats and had to battle to get the job #creativelywrittenresumesftw but all will come in time..... and so will a blog telling this story in greater depth.

Not a bad way to bank the bucks for travel days.

A video posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Sep 29, 2016 at 8:46am PDT

The Drew Show

Every day I get asked about Drew. "Is he really like that in person? Did you guys get along? Was he just acting?" TBH I'm beyond sick of talking about the guy as I didn't sign up to be on the Drew show. So to answer this one last time: Yes, sometimes Drew is an ass, but he can also be a really fun guy too. He is both a good guy and an asshole. It depends on his mood. It's worth remembering that an experience like this is designed to make you emotional and play on your insecurities so while I definitely didn't always agree with the things I heard come out of his mouth.....

I tried my best to relate knowing that this was a stressful situation to go through and we all handled that stress differently. That said, at the end of the day; you are your actions.

Speaking of his actions, there is one thing I would like to say regarding everyone's favourite villain: on our tea market group date in Marrakesh, Jasmine and I snuck off from the guys and were in the middle of a pretty heavy convo..... when Drew entered to steal her away. Standard Bachelor procedure right? Well, what you didn't see on TV was that Drew could've interrupted and cut me off like most guys would....but he instead chose not to. He saw that what I was saying was important and showed me the respect by hanging back and letting me finish. Had he not given me that, things could've ended very differently later on that night. It showed me a side of Drew that most people didn't get a chance to see. I was really struggling on this date and lost in my head so I need a moment to clarify things with Jas. Drew saw that, knew it was important to me and and let me have my moment with her. So if you ever read this Drew, thank you for that.

But lezbi honest; you don't look like the reading type Drew.  OOOOOH #bachelorburn #thisishowweshowlove
Just kidding bro. One love.

One love..... for earplugs;)

Group Date Hate


KW and I are pretty different in a lot of ways but one thing we definitely agree on is group dates. They suck. A lot. I'd rather get in a boxing match with bees than ever do a group date again. Group dates are kind of like when Tinder meets Uber Pool. Ya... this is just not the ride share I'm looking for. I'm all for saving the environment but it turns out the term "going green" actually meant green with jealousy. Good to know.
"On tonights episode of the Bachelorette Canada: Another group date! And after the show don't forget to stay tuned for a brand new episode of A&E's "Escaping Polygamy" at 9/7 central."
Ya I probably shouldn't make fun of that.......but, jokes.
In Jamaica we talked about "One Love" at Bob Marley's studio....... apparently they mean that literally.

No thanks.

I remember David called me the group date assassin (which I wasn't) but whatever luck I had in Jamaica I definitely forgot to pack for Quebec because once I got there it was straight struggles for the old "Kevin P". No more winning of group dates. No more time with Jasmine. Luckily, I didn't have much time to be bummed about it because I was too busy getting to be part of the Cirque De Soleil!!! How cool was that?! I still can't believe that happened. That experience was so so great and I'm pretty sure I found my next profession when my sailor days are sunk.

Skip ahead to 20:04 for my disturbingly good poll skills.

And to answer everyone's question: No. I have never worked as a stripper before, but am I ever excited to get to listen to jokes about working the pole for the rest of my life. Thank you for that Bachelorette Canada. All said and done it was still worth it though. Something to throw on my already weird resume under "Special Skills." Pole work. That's a surefire hire right there;)
That experience was definitely a great memory for me. I love rock climbing and I'm a bit of a monkey so I liked the challenge. The trainers at Cirque actually told me I should come back and keep training and I might just take them up on that when I decided to quit adulting and join the circus.
One last thing: Dear David, your activity was an EasyBake oven compared to mine so stop with the complaining already. #toppedthat

After Montreal we hit up Quebec City and it was there that we went all in on the Canada clichés. We donned flannel, swigged syrup, chopped wood for love and stopped just short of hockey fights followed by apologies. Soorry bout dat:)



Seriously though. What in the canuck does chopping wood have to do with anything? Why did they insist on me wearing a XXL lumberjack shirt?! How is Chris so secretly strong? Why was there SOOOOOO many damn nails?! #marathonofsuck #rightarmdiedthatday #goodbyelovelife
It was rigged I say! Rigged.

Ok fair enough, I sucked. I'd club a baby seal to get that day back and give it another swing of the axe. I misjudged you giant log. Turns out you were the real deal and apparently I'm just the wrong kind of Axe man.


Like I've said before, I've had a bit of a weird life, but that's a story for another day.

Part 2 of this one tomorrow.
Now get back to ignoring that todo list;)