A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 2

Ok so this is my Coles Notes on Ep 6 in Marrakesh continued. I decided to split this blog up into two parts because we all know the average attention span is shorter than:

1. The list of guys left on this show

2. Jasmine standing next to Kyle #tenfeetofKyle

3. Wale standing next to Kyle 

4. Basically any human being on earth standing next to Kyle

5. You've already stopped reading this haven't you?

Anyways, the main reason I separated this blog into two parts is because this is the heavier of things that is on my mind. Not the fluff but instead the feels and not a lot of funny. So if you're still looking for laughs, here's me doing......whatever this is: 

Ok. Now that we've established that I shouldn't be taken too seriously, let's tear me apart in the most brutal of fashions. 


First off, here's the episode on for your viewing pleasure. Complete with a lovely background of jungle animals because...... the internet?

Skip ahead to 43:00 for our talk on our group date and 53:50 for our talk at the rose ceremony.

Feeling The Heat

When we left Quebec, I was very happy to get back on the road and explore Morocco as these days, I feel more at home out of a backpack than I do in my home country. There's an unfortunate truth that comes with a life on the road:
You can't go home again 
From the moment we landed, Marrakech did not disappoint. It's a beautiful, interesting hub of activity and a real melting pot of culture. So rich in colours, textures and flavours and it felt so good to be there. However, with that excitement of being somewhere new also came an entirely different feeling. By the time we got to our riad it was very clear to me that this was no longer just a fun little experience to take as it came but was now getting much more serious and the pressure was on with hometown dates around the corner. Not something I took lightly.
While my time with Jasmine had always felt right when we were together, it had been a long time since we had actually sat down and really connected. I was seriously beginning to feel disconnected from her, not to mention overwhelmed by the whole process. Having a camera in your face 24/7 takes a toll and watching the episodes now I can actually see the stress on my face. I was burnt out and at a crossroads. One road leading to Jas and one leading me to potentially never seeing her again.

In the past, I've usually tried to avoid long distance relationships and yet somehow, I was travelling with Jasmine while oddly feeling like I was in a long distance relationship with her at the same time. It felt backwards. How are you supposed to maintain a connection with someone you barely see? Then, seeing her relationships with the other guys move along while mine seemingly stood still only made things feel worse. Remember that these were the very same guys I was befriending and talking to about everything so it was hard to know who to trust and what was real. They were the only people I could to talk to during the filming so we all became really close despite us all dating the same girl. To say it was a weird situation doesn't even begin....
And yes, sure there was a feeling of competition (more so with some of other guys) but I've never been one to feel the need to go down that road. I had no desire to "win" or get roses. It's just that I knew that Jasmine and I could very well have something real and I really wanted to know what that was. I had to find out for sure....instead of going home to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let love slip me by.
That lingering question:
Who was this girl in front of me?

A Guarded Heart

In the past, I've written about 
The mall cop that guards my heart shaped box

His presence in my life was born in my youth in a time of need (more on that later) but had come to be a burden in my relationships as an adult. I've fought a lot battles with him and that was part of the reason why I said yes to maybe and did this show. I knew it would take something bigger than me to help knock down these no longer useful walls of old. By putting it out there for the world to see I wouldn't be able to hide from it anymore. I wouldn't be able to hide my fear of letting people in under the romanticism of travel life anymore. One of the inconveniently harsh truths I've learned about myself while on the road is that my travels have masked some selfishness. Not a fun realization to make and it's been something I've been working hard to face head on. Another is that part of me just feels more at peace when I'm alone and that it's just in my nature to be a bit of a lone wolf.
There's a certain kind of peace that comes in solitude
While I can accept that as part of what makes me who I am, part of me knows that there was also definitely something unhealthy hiding in that push to push away.

With Jasmine, one thing I noticed was that as much as I was guarded, she didn't seem thrown off by it. It felt like she saw past it as being just part of who I was. In fact, it calmed me to see how calm she was in the face of it, as if her quiet acceptance of it was proof that she related and felt somewhat the same way. Like we were
Two wandering wolves meeting in the woods.
The woods of Marrakesh that is;)
I related to Jasmine in more ways than I should considering how little we talked. There was just this unspoken understanding between us. A look in the eye. A feeling underneath it all. For some reason it just felt like we somehow knew each other before meeting. Even that first night when I sang to her outside the limo, I felt like I recognized her even though I knew we had never met. Outside the show it turns out that we walked in very close circles but never actually crossed paths. Jasmine it seems, just came with a familiar feeling. There really is something special about that girl....

So I struggled with opening up and letting her in and no doubt part of that was my own bullshit but in all honesty I knew it was something more than that. A big part of my reservations lay in that we were doing this on a reality TV show..... and I know what you're thinking, "You signed up for this! What were you expecting?" and yes that is very much true but until you've been through something like this, I would kindly ask you to reserve your judgment. Because you really have no idea.....
Now I won't sit here and go off about all the things I struggled with regarding the process of the show as it would be disrespectful to the people that worked tremendously hard to make it a reality. That team of people were amazing and I'm very glad to have gone down this road with them. They took great effort to take care of us during this adventure. It's just that knowing it was a TV show unfortunately poked the old fires of distrust that were already in my heart from days of past.
I've always considered truth the most important currency and in my life I've looked for Truth Before Happiness

So part of my reservations with Jas were tied up in my fears that what if this was all for show? What if it wasn't real? Those kinds of fears where a big part of what made me want to pull away. Having a camera in your face while trying to let down your guard isn't an easy thing to do. So when I said I wish I had met her in a coffee shop, I really meant it.
But that just wasn't the path that brought us together and I couldn't help but wonder; would it be the one that pulled us apart or the one that finally pushed me past myself and towards her?




Time To Get Past The Past

Knowing that home town dates where around the corner, I knew I had some decisions to make. I didn't want to bring my family into this unless I was absolutely certain Jas and I were going to make a real go of this outside of the show. I'm protective of my family life and while the thought of them on National TV is somewhat comical....... it's mostly just utterly terrifying (except for my amazing little nieces because they would totally kill it with cuteness). My family back story isn't one I tell often and while I'm willing to have that conversation in the right situation; I was hesitant to just throw that out there for TV entertainment with no control as to how it would be told. Still though, I knew Jasmine would need to know about that part of my life for us to move forward and during our talk at the rose ceremony I alluded to this.

Growing up, I had a childhood that came with both  Love and Loss and both were certainly early lessons that changed the trajectory of my life. In the past I've written about what it was like growing up with a mom fighting addiction and I chose to write about it in the hopes that by putting it out there I could move past it and find peace with it. There's something cathartic about writing what you feel you can't say. There's a release in penning it down and putting it out there that let's you stop carrying it with you...... which is I guess what this is. And while I'm nervous to include these writings in this post, I think the truth is needed here..... but before we dive any deeper down that rabbit hole and hijack this post in that retelling, I'll just include the above link that tells the tale and this one below about how it's affected  my adult life.

Running for home 

Like I said to Jas that night; there's going to be good things and there's going to be bad things as you get to know me and the truth is; you get both.


The 11th Hour Kiss

Before we end this already far too feely and drawn out post, I guess I should stop delaying the inevitable and finally get to that kiss. The kiss heard around the riad. How appropriate that it almost took me longer to get to it in this post then it took to happen on the show. What can I say? I've always been something of a pleasure delayer and tend to leave the best for last. As a kid, I always liked Christmas Eve more than Christmas and I used to keep a present unopened under the tree (much to my family's annoyance) so as to keep something there to look forward to. To hold on to that feeling that it could be anything.
For me,
        Anticipation was always the real gift
The wonderment of what might be. Surely that played apart of why I waited with Jas but more so, I wanted to be sure of who she was before going down that road. Knowing who someone is makes it so much more enjoyable and natural to me. Plus, I am basically the reembodied spirit animal of a turtle and make moves at about that same speed when it's someone I really like.  #40yearoldvirginisalmostmybiography. I've just never been one to rush and anyone who's ever seen me eat knows this well. #canigetthistogo?#awkwardfirstdates

It's not to say I didn't want to kiss her before that night. Jasmine is smart, funny and beautiful and I wanted to kiss her all the way back in Jamaica. I just wanted to know more about her before I did. Too often in the past I have found myself dating someone who I thought I really connected with only to later on realize that I was lost in the fog of attraction. This time, I wanted to make sure it was substance over style and not the other way around.

Lastly, before we go, I will say this: it's very easy to look ahead and after my time with Jasmine on that rose ceremony I couldn't help but wonder. Yet even as I did, my ever constant security guard reminded me that it's a very dangerous thing to do. Either way, I know this:
We don't get to chose what comes tomorrow. But we do get to chose what we do today and looking back on that night in Morocco I am glad that I made the decision to let down my guard and let her in to see me for who I am.


Oh and one last thing: That day at the riad while sitting in the sun before the ceremony, I wrote a song that about all of this and so last night I recorded it (mistakes and all) as I figured it should be part of this post. In my head, it should be Eddie Vedder singing it..... but I guess you're stuck with me.
Check it out below.
Thanks for reading my friends:)
With truth and love,
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 1

Hey there internet world. How goes Pixeltown procrastination? Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts instead of doing that thing you are TOTALLY supposed to be doing right now so I'm going to try my best to make it an enjoyable break from today's todo list.

I felt it was time to write again seeing how it has been two weeks since my last post and there's been a fair bit rolling around in the old brain box. Now, sometimes when I write, I like to pen a tale that puts you in my shoes, gives you all the feels and shares a lesson that life has taught me. Click here for one of those. Other times it's more of a social commentary where I dissect an idea and try to cram in as much funny stuff as possible. Click here for that.
Today however, I just want to get some shit off my chest.
#thatswhatshesaid #shesaiditwasinkarmasutra #shelied
#hobbies

Moving on......

I'm going to do this post like a Coles notes of things on my mind regarding this little thing called The Bachelorette Canada and if you're sick of hearing about that (which is totally understandable) then here's some pointless explosions for you:

All better? Good. Now here's what has been rolling around in my head as of late.

Kevin P "Deckhand"?

Work in progress 👍🌞☺

A photo posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Jun 23, 2016 at 5:10pm PDT

One of the questions I keep getting asked is what is a deckhand, and when did that happen? For many of my friends, the deckhand gig seems new. Truth is, I had been planning it for a couple years now, taking courses and building contacts in the yachting world. After filming the Bachelorette, I pulled the pin and flew to France to find a job on a boat. Fast forward to today and I can say that yes, I finally did find a job and I now work and live on a yacht that is based in Florida for the winter. Hello trips to the Caribbean, goodbye winter air that makes my face hurt.

As for what the job entails, it is basically everything involved in taking care of the boat and the guests on it. There's a million things to do and it's a really interesting and challenging job. It has been a pretty intense experience so far, especially seeing how I basically know nothing about boats and had to battle to get the job #creativelywrittenresumesftw but all will come in time..... and so will a blog telling this story in greater depth.

Not a bad way to bank the bucks for travel days.

A video posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Sep 29, 2016 at 8:46am PDT

The Drew Show

Every day I get asked about Drew. "Is he really like that in person? Did you guys get along? Was he just acting?" TBH I'm beyond sick of talking about the guy as I didn't sign up to be on the Drew show. So to answer this one last time: Yes, sometimes Drew is an ass, but he can also be a really fun guy too. He is both a good guy and an asshole. It depends on his mood. It's worth remembering that an experience like this is designed to make you emotional and play on your insecurities so while I definitely didn't always agree with the things I heard come out of his mouth.....

I tried my best to relate knowing that this was a stressful situation to go through and we all handled that stress differently. That said, at the end of the day; you are your actions.

Speaking of his actions, there is one thing I would like to say regarding everyone's favourite villain: on our tea market group date in Marrakesh, Jasmine and I snuck off from the guys and were in the middle of a pretty heavy convo..... when Drew entered to steal her away. Standard Bachelor procedure right? Well, what you didn't see on TV was that Drew could've interrupted and cut me off like most guys would....but he instead chose not to. He saw that what I was saying was important and showed me the respect by hanging back and letting me finish. Had he not given me that, things could've ended very differently later on that night. It showed me a side of Drew that most people didn't get a chance to see. I was really struggling on this date and lost in my head so I need a moment to clarify things with Jas. Drew saw that, knew it was important to me and and let me have my moment with her. So if you ever read this Drew, thank you for that.

But lezbi honest; you don't look like the reading type Drew.  OOOOOH #bachelorburn #thisishowweshowlove
Just kidding bro. One love.

One love..... for earplugs;)

Group Date Hate


KW and I are pretty different in a lot of ways but one thing we definitely agree on is group dates. They suck. A lot. I'd rather get in a boxing match with bees than ever do a group date again. Group dates are kind of like when Tinder meets Uber Pool. Ya... this is just not the ride share I'm looking for. I'm all for saving the environment but it turns out the term "going green" actually meant green with jealousy. Good to know.
"On tonights episode of the Bachelorette Canada: Another group date! And after the show don't forget to stay tuned for a brand new episode of A&E's "Escaping Polygamy" at 9/7 central."
Ya I probably shouldn't make fun of that.......but, jokes.
In Jamaica we talked about "One Love" at Bob Marley's studio....... apparently they mean that literally.

No thanks.

I remember David called me the group date assassin (which I wasn't) but whatever luck I had in Jamaica I definitely forgot to pack for Quebec because once I got there it was straight struggles for the old "Kevin P". No more winning of group dates. No more time with Jasmine. Luckily, I didn't have much time to be bummed about it because I was too busy getting to be part of the Cirque De Soleil!!! How cool was that?! I still can't believe that happened. That experience was so so great and I'm pretty sure I found my next profession when my sailor days are sunk.

Skip ahead to 20:04 for my disturbingly good poll skills.

And to answer everyone's question: No. I have never worked as a stripper before, but am I ever excited to get to listen to jokes about working the pole for the rest of my life. Thank you for that Bachelorette Canada. All said and done it was still worth it though. Something to throw on my already weird resume under "Special Skills." Pole work. That's a surefire hire right there;)
That experience was definitely a great memory for me. I love rock climbing and I'm a bit of a monkey so I liked the challenge. The trainers at Cirque actually told me I should come back and keep training and I might just take them up on that when I decided to quit adulting and join the circus.
One last thing: Dear David, your activity was an EasyBake oven compared to mine so stop with the complaining already. #toppedthat

After Montreal we hit up Quebec City and it was there that we went all in on the Canada clichés. We donned flannel, swigged syrup, chopped wood for love and stopped just short of hockey fights followed by apologies. Soorry bout dat:)



Seriously though. What in the canuck does chopping wood have to do with anything? Why did they insist on me wearing a XXL lumberjack shirt?! How is Chris so secretly strong? Why was there SOOOOOO many damn nails?! #marathonofsuck #rightarmdiedthatday #goodbyelovelife
It was rigged I say! Rigged.

Ok fair enough, I sucked. I'd club a baby seal to get that day back and give it another swing of the axe. I misjudged you giant log. Turns out you were the real deal and apparently I'm just the wrong kind of Axe man.


Like I've said before, I've had a bit of a weird life, but that's a story for another day.

Part 2 of this one tomorrow.
Now get back to ignoring that todo list;)

A Bachelor's Diary Episode 3: The heart of the storm

I find myself lost once again.

This time deep in the hull of a boat as we cut through the cold Atlantic waters. Hunkered down below deck in my cramped quarters, I listen to the waves rhythmically slap their dull thud against the hull. As the boat sways back and forth in its ever constant fight with the waves, my body is loudly letting me know it does not approve of my life choices.
You do not belong here it says. I tell my body I know better and pretend sea sickness is just a mind game.... but I'm not entirely convinced. I peer out my porthole in hopes of reprieve only to have those hopes drown in the cold Atlantic waters pummelling the glass. I pull the blanket over my head while tucked in my tiny bunk bed to forget the unnerving feeling. The bed is a triangle shaped bunk 2 feet wide at the head and 1 foot at my feet. It's functional and fits my living space, which is the size of a modest closet and is my supposed getaway from my work. A getaway I share it with a coworker I just met.

Suddenly those east Vancouver basement suites on Craigslist seem luxurious in their mildew tinted spaciousness.

But my Vancouver days and it's skewed rental market are far far away now.
I'm currently on the other side of the continent, underwater and nowhere near land. Surrounded by absolutely nothing but the sea..... I still feel like I can't get away.
The story of my life. 

This is the part of the story where the protagonist freaks the fuck out.

Well, this may be my first time working at sea but it's not the first time I've felt like this. Not at all. It's a feeling I actually know pretty well. A feeling I seem to search for more and more in my years of late. Why I put myself here is a valid question, one I ask myself often these days and its answer lies deep in the bowels of who I am....

Ok so........ are we not doing phrasing anymore? I know this is a bit more of a serious post but come on already.....bowels?

My decision to change careers and become a deckhand is born of a deeper theme in my life to seek out the unknown. To search for adventure in that which is challenging and often uncomfortable. These days, it's one of two adventures I'm currently living. The other is a TV retelling of an improbable journey I went through earlier this year. A journey with a girl named Jasmine........ and nineteen other dudes. They were there too.
Yay...

But as I lay here remembering that journey with her, all that comes to mind right now is a conversation in Jamaica with just the two of us.

"I was going to take you on a hike up this beautiful mountain but the rain decided otherwise... so I figured why not just sit and talk on the balcony. Are you cool with that?" she says. Finally. A chance to get to know the question mark in a sun dress standing in front of me. "Yes that's perfect" I say. I had been wanting to sit down and finally find out who she is for three weeks now and it seems the rain gods approve.
Talking with Jasmine is easy. She's chill, down to earth and open hearted. I've never been one for talking about the weather, (pretty sure I just did that) usually preferring to dive below the surface level small talk and I'm relieved to see she's completely game to do the same. It feels like we've known each other for a long time and I feel oddly comfortable telling her truths I usually keep guarded. When I started this journey I made the decision to be an open book with her but I'd be lying if I said I could keep a secret from her. She just has this way of disarming you and drawing you in. It's as if she can look inside and turn down the feedback noise in my head. Muting the ever constant chatter. There's so much hype around whether or not you will like each other and have a connection so it's a good feeling when there's one actually there. It feels...... honest. We talk about everything and anything. 

Then she says "Tell me about your past relationships."

And things were going so well....

A flash of lightning lights up my window. We're headed into a storm. The unhappy boat begins sliding around on the troubled waves. I can hear it's discontent as the yacht moans it's creaks and groans as it lobs back and forth. I can feel it in that ever louder feeling in my stomach as we chug ahead into the dark. There won't be sleeping tonight. I head up to the bridge as it's my turn for watch duty soon anyways. The rain is coming in sideways now. The lightning flashes across the midnight sky. We are surrounded by total blackness. It has me feeling immediately awake and very much alive. I look to the radar and see we are quite literally in the heart of the storm.
I stare off into the nothingness and my mind drifts back...

Normally, I avoid past relationship talks as long as possible. It's just one of those conversations that never seems to benefit either party and for me, it's not something I need to know. But I get why she asks. It's a fair question. So, in the spirit of truth, I tell her the good and the bad of my life. How I've been travelling for the last five years and how I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing women who've let me into their lives. How when you're abroad living in a new country, it can be easier to open up and let someone in as you journey through something new together. Adventure is a romantic affair......but with it comes the eventual goodbyes when it's time for one of you to pick up the bags again. In my last line of work, contracts usually had me going somewhere new before I ever wanted to leave and I all too often found myself saying goodbye before either of us were ready. It's a sad truth but your heart finds a way to get used to it. Kind of like how your friends get used to you always going again. I've said it before:

There's a special kind of guilt that comes with getting good at goodbye

So my love for travel has kept me lacking in lasting love for the last long while. Letting people in, loving them for a little while and then letting them go. In some ways it's been good for me. Getting me out of my head, learning to open up and let people in. In others, it's been bad, reinforcing those old ideas that sooner or later, love has a way of leaving.

Somehow, Jasmine and I get to the topic of my family. I tell her about my sister, who I often call my lighthouse (no matter where I am she always can bring me back home) and of course of my amazing little nieces. Before long, I'm telling her about the my most recent trip to the airport when my 4 year old niece asked: Uncle Kevin,
Do you leave because you're scared to love?

Cue the crickets.
That moment floored me. It still rings in my head and serves up a lot of bad uncle guilt. Kids only have two volumes: gibberish and complete unadulterated truth. 

And we both know which one that was.

The look on Jasmine's face says it all. I can tell it's a moment that will now define us. Part of me regrets saying it. Part of me is glad I did. This is me. This is who I am. Good and bad. There's both to find here in the search of who I am. Truth is
You don't find yourself alone because of bad luck. I am where I have chosen to be. It's a hard truth but one that I have chosen to realize over time. And maybe that's exactly why I found myself in front of Jasmine. Why I said yes to maybe and started this improbable adventure. I chose to be here. To confront this theme in my life and move past it. 

But I can't help but wonder: can she see past my past?

I step out onto the bow of the ship to clear my head. The rain has stopped now and clouds have parted. The humid air is warm as it flicks sea water against my face and hints that we are nearing our home port. The night's storm sits far off on the horizon and its lightning still flickers. I look up and see that the night sky is now lit by a universe of stars. It's one of those nights where you can see everything. The milky way's faint glow streaks across the sky and all my problems suddenly feel so very small and far away. I stand there in complete silence for what feels like forever, watching for shooting stars. I take it all in: the waves crashing against the hull, the lightning dancing in the distance and the light of the universe shining down on my tired shoulders. I fight the urge to break out the camera, knowing that no picture would ever do this justice..... and it seems fitting that way.
Some of life's moments are just for right now. To be lived in that moment and kept only in your heart for every moment after. It's one of the many lessons that has come with a life spent travelling. I'm overcome with an overwhelming feeling of being right where I am supposed to be. On my path to wherever it is I'm going in my life.......but right beside that feeling is something else too: a wanting. A desire to share this gift I've just been given. A feeling that it's time to share this life with someone else. 

A truth:

A real love of searching for adventure that found that love IS the real adventure

Some will read this and see a guy who spent a life leaving love. Others will see someone with a joy for seeing the world. Myself, standing on the bow of a star lit ship in the middle of the ocean, I see in me someone who just wants a partner to share these moments with as we journey through the dark. 

So..... how about that weather?