A Bachelor's Diary: Why say yes to maybe

Chilling at my family cabin in Northern Quebec Canada, life was calm as I regrouped from my last adventure. This past one, a crazy two months in France and Italy found me searching for a new job in the yacht world. It was a great experience...... that was all consuming and tiring. At my cabin however, the world moves slow, which was exactly what I needed. I was unplugged from it all, hanging out with my pops and trading stories by the fireplace. Me with newly acquired ones and him with old ones I've heard a thousand times before but willing to hear again. Chopping wood, building things and doing woodsy guy-type stuff, it was everything I needed to slow the blood and reconnect with my Canadian-ness after a Euro overload of too much bread, cheese and the wrong kind of football.

After a while being MIA from the "internets" I decided it was probably time to check in and see what was going on in the online world. Can't be having everyone forget about me after all. Besides, if a model chops wood in the forest but doesn't Instagram it, did it even happen?

No. 

The answer is clearly no.

Chopping wood? Just let me go get my new white dress shirt

 “Use my phone, just be careful about not going over on data.” my dad foreshadowed. So, of course as soon as I logged in, the phone exploded with beeping and notifications, each laughing at my dad's data limit. It went off like Trump on a lie detector. It beeped like Snoop dog going through airport security. It was beeping so much that I worried it was having a stroke.....so naturally I did what anyone would do in that situation: I laid the phone on it's side, smushed an Aspirin into the mouth piece and told it to remain calm as I waited for the its blood pressure to return to normal.

I took first aid. This is all standard procedure.
Obvs.

Anyways, it was then that I saw this message, in one form or another, over and over and over.

“DUDE YOU'RE ON THE BACHELORETTE!?!?!?!”

Ohhhh ya. That. 

Goodbye calmness of cabin, hello social media sh*t storm.

My secret had been revealed. A secret I had been holding in my back pocket for the last 8 months. One I had put on the back burner while in Europe and that I had mostly stopped thinking about.... but now that was over and it was public. A secret no more.

This just in:

I am now "Kevin P" one of too many bachelors on The Bachelorette Canada

Yup. That happened.
So break out the snacks, put your feet up by the fire place and grab a seat besides my pops, because......it's story time. 

It all started back in December when a good friend of mine called me up and said:

"Hey Kev, I'm working with the Bachelorette Canada and I thought you might be a good bachelor. Interested?"

Now I know this isn't a normal thing to have happen to most.... but my life seems to attract randomness so I've become oddly 

                     Comfortable in chaos

But to this idea however, my first reaction wasn't great.

Nope

"No this is not for me. I'm not your dude. I don't really watch reality TV and I'm probably not the kind of guy you would want." I told her. And that was that. Story done. 

That time I was almost on The Bachelorette....

Juuuuuust kidding. Don't get up just yet.

Weeks later she came back to me, this time pressing it and wanting to know more about why I wasn't interested. "Well, don't they want the opposite of me? Some guy with a good career, who y'know.....owns things and has stuff? Someone with a number in front of all the zero's in their bank account? Someone who wants a white picket fence and a shiny car? Shouldn't you be looking for a firefighter or a doctor or something?"

To which she replied "But that's why we think you're perfect for this. You're different from the other guys. You have an interesting story to tell!"

Playing to my vanity. Well done friend. 

Well done.

So, this went on back and forth for a while with me not knowing what to do until one day I finally asked a good friend for her opinion. 

Should I do this?

Her response?
"Why are you saying no? You like adventure. THIS is adventure! You want to push yourself and do new things. THIS is all that!"
"What's the issue?"

What's the issue?! How about: How would they portray me? Would I make an ass of myself on national television? Would I forever be known as that guy on that show? 

I had valid reasons to be wary of something like this. I don't want to be painted as someone other than me. I want to be known for who I am. I don't want to look like a jerk and be forever remembered for it. There's no end to the list of those dudes.

I could see arguments for both sides though. Part of me was really interested and excited at the idea but what if it was a mistake I would regret later on? Was I misreading this?

You don't want to be that guy who misreads a situation....like, for example: when you offer someone gum and they don't take it.

Trust me bro, take the gum.

So yes, I know I sound a bit gun shy, focussing on what could go wrong....
But I've been talked into mistakes before.

Do runway they said....

    

So forgive me if I'm a wee bit hesitant.

But for all the reservations and soul crushing runway outfits aside, the more I thought about my friends advice, the more I realized that maybe she was right. Why was I pushing this opportunity away? I've said before that one of my biggest fears is that I won's seize the opportunities my life gives me.... and yet here was this opportunity sitting

                                                                             RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

Just waiting for me to see it. Sure, I wanted this to be on my own terms and had my doubts but the truth is you can't control everything. So are you going to turn down opportunities just because you can't control every angle?
It's important to  See things for what they are and not just what you want them to be
Yes, it's a TV show for ratings and they might portray me in a way that I don't like. That's a possibility. Yes, I very well could totally embarrass myself (if there's dancing, this is an absolute certainty) but who am I kidding? There's a ton of embarrassing stuff that Google could find on me anyways so what difference does it make? At what point do you have to laugh at it all and let go of your desire for perfection? 

Because it just doesn't exist.



So just let go already

And as for being remembered as that guy from that show? Well, maybe the people who don't know me may remember me that way.... but for anyone who does know me (the people I actually care about) they know that this will be just another chapter in my already improbably weird life so far. 

Just another story for the cabin if you will;)

How's that popcorn treating ya btw?

Putting all my own personal fears aside, I took a real look at it: Travel the world, crazy adventure..... and maybe even......find love?
Now the first two are easy yes's... but that third one... love. Well that's mucho más complicado mi amigo. It's like Inception: I really like it....but I'm totally lost.

Love is and has always been hard for me. I've never been great at opening up to fully let someone in. The mall cop security guard that protects my heart shaped box has been a bit too strict on the old guest list.

But this situation was bringing to light something that I've already been needing to face.
              The real adventure IS love

It's not just where you go and what you do, it's who you do it with.
So what about love then? Well there's no certainties there either but if ever there was a time to let go and go for it, isn't it in the search for love? Isn't that what this whole thing is about?
Who knows...... Maybe she'll like me, maybe she won't. Maybe it will just be as simple as making a new friend? Or maybe the improbable will happen and we'll actually hit it off? Maybe we'll even fall in love together? 

......or maybe I'll get dumped on national TV and it will hurt like the day after Burning Man.

But either way, isn't it worth it to try? 

My travels have taught me a lot about life but more than anything I've learned that this whole thing isn't worth much if it isn't shared..... and I know now more than ever that I want to share my life with someone. For a long time I wasn't so sure about that, wasn't even sure if I deserved it but I've been Han Solo for long enough to know that I need more to move forward. To keep growing. I've done life on my own. I've proved I can do that. But I don't want to live that way anymore.

Be strong enough to do it on your own, be stronger in knowing you don't have to.

I'm at a point in my life where I want to take care of someone. I want to know everything about each other. I want to let her in to see me for who I am. I want to build each other into the best versions of who we can be. To be stronger together and take on the world as we push ourselves into the unknown. Off into adventure.


Co-pilots of our own journey.

I know..... there was a lot of feels in that last paragraph. 

But it all comes out sooner or later and the truth is, 

I'm a romantic at heart.

Just don't you tell anyone alright meow?

The point of all this is there are always countless reasons not to do something. Ways in which your perfectly laid plans of how this is all supposed to work out could come crashing down but realistically it's not going to work out the way you planned anyways.

There's a lot of maybe's in life.... but doesn't it make more sense to look at what could maybe go right instead of always looking at what might maybe go wrong?

Because the truth is...

Better things happen when you say yes than when you say no. 

So look past the safety net of saying no and potential perceived failures and

Hurry up and make the decision that your life is going to be awesome. 

No matter what turns you find down the road. Because it's the only life you get.

As for me, I have a path to walk in my life and it's damn sure going to be one that follow's my possibilities and not my fears. One that sees maybe as a good thing and not a reason to say no. And maybe, just maybe I'll find someone to walk that path with me......and that would be really great. 

In fact, you could say...

That would be roses;)

So I'm looking forward to this next adventure and I'm excited that you will get to experience it with me my friends. If you still own a TV that is.
If not, you can catch me here because I'll be writing about it. 

See you in September:)

Long story long; 

The end.

               

My dad:

 "So what you're saying is that you went over on my data?"

Where is my mind?

My mind is loud with thought as the French countryside flies by out the train window. It's rolling hills and stunning coastlines are a hypnotizing backdrop to my cluttered thoughts. France is a beautiful country. One I've been in for about two months. One that has been good to me..... but one that I am leaving tomorrow. 

Leaving again. I do a lot of that. I see farmers houses surrounded by rows of crops flicking by at the train's blurring speed of 300km's per hour. I think about why. Why do I leave so much?
Maybe you know the answer, but I don't.
Maybe that's why I keep going.

I leave not to run away but to try and find the reason I can't seem to stay

I'm on my way to Paris from the south of France, where I've been working. My coming here was the culmination of many months of planning. The first big step towards starting a new career at sea. An odd choice to some, out of left field perhaps, but something that I've been working towards for a while. Something that was at first a dream, but that I've begun to make a reality.
That reality began when I stepped off the plane into Paris. That first moment when I realized that this wasn't just some pipe dream or some little passing idea I had but instead a future I am making a reality. A long term, more stable plan than my occupations of previous days. A stability which I've been craving for a while and hearing that might surprise some. Many, who know me, think that I fly by the seat of my pants with no worries as to where I end up. A vagabond drifter with no cares in the world. Peter Pan personified. While I can understand why some would think that looking at my life for the last so many years, the truth is, I spend more and more time trying to see into my future. Trying to know what to do, where to go and what moves to make today. 

Sometimes tomorrow's blank canvas overwhelms today

I feel a heavy pressure to do well by this gift of life I've been given, for I truly have been blessed in more ways that I can count.

I am not worried that I am without opportunities but instead that I don't see the opportunities in front of me.

It is this fear of squandered opportunity that has sleepless in the night. Those closest to me know this well as they watch me agonize, going back and forth trying to decide just what is my next move.
This last month has been a lot of that. It's taken up my days and today, it's put me on this train.

So here's my mind in words:

I've been here trying to get a job on a yacht, which has been going well. I've been having successes and I'm on the right path, but it's a hard one.

My issue is that my old life in front of the camera has me committed to a shoot I am contractually obliged to do this coming October.......in Vancouver.... on the other side of the planet. Not exactly ideal to get to when you're on a yacht at sea. Plus a yacht crew has a very specific work rotation and you can't just take off for a week whenever you want and just swim to shore. Crew often do 5 months on and 1 off, and most captains looking to hire a new deckhand aren't keen on some guy asking to take off for some shoot.
So that sucks. Been a bit of an anchor to my smooth sailing sea plans.

It's dusk now in Paris as we walk down the cobblestone street. The setting sun beams off the apartment windows spraying gold across our long shadows. I'm flanked by old friends that I haven't seen in years and we seamlessly go back to our old ways with no missed beats.

It's a trip to see them. I haven't seen Anthony since our days spent surfing in Cape Town and Robin I haven't seen since Bangkok where we used to audition for commercials against each other. Both of them know each other well from Paris life and the three of us head into this funky little Thai restaurant whose decor brings me back to BKK nights. It has the feel of street food on Sukhumvit right down to the simplistic steel tables and stools and as they dive into a very french conversation about food, my minder wanders......


My 90 day visa has only 40 days left. I'm running out of time. Oh the joy of visas. At what point do we do away with this outdated system of neighbouring clans. People are people. End of story. I wonder how much of my time and energy has been devoted to worrying about visa's? More than I care to remember but much like my broken suitcases, it's the toll of the road that I'm willing to pay. My current issue is that with my visa running out soon, I'll have to leave Europe before the season's end leaving me with nowhere to go and nothing to do until late October. I have 40 Euro days left. Do I stay? Should I bail now and head back to Vancouver, then try my luck in the Caribbean season in November after my Vancouver commitments? Maybe I could leave now, which would pause my visa and come back to the Med for the end of season when there's more work? That one captain did say he had yard work for me later on in the season in Palma.....

What's the move? 

It's 24 hours later and our driver weaves the van down the old country road that carves through the Polish country side. We flew in early this morning and after collecting our bags, found a sign taped to the arrivals wall with our names on it. "Come outside. I am waiting for you." The small Polish man is there like the sign said sucking back cigarettes. After loading up and meeting the clients from Pakistan, we hit the road for the supposedly quick trip to the location. 
It's been hours now and our drivers terrible cough has me worried that he might just get to where he's going before he gets us to where we are going. Poor guy. 
The client asks us if we are hungry. After a hectic morning of travelling we could all use some eats and I'm looking forward to trying some traditional Polish food. I've never been to Poland before and I want to absorb as much as I can about the culture during this short work trip. Maybe I'll try some cabbage stew or maybe....."KFC!!!" the client says with too much excitement for someone who's not drunk.
I listen to Anthony and Robin start swearing in French, while my stomach wishes it could swear in Polish.

"You should go to China" Laura says. The idea comes out of left field, which seems to be where most of my life is born.... not to mention most of this post. Laura is my agent and she is pitching me on a modelling contract in Guangzhou. "You say you have to get out of Europe and have two months to kill. Why not go to China and make some bank?"

It's not the worst idea. She continues on with the details and I mull the idea over. In my head this was all supposed to be simple. Go to the Med. Get a job on a boat. Stop modelling. Start a new challenge. I need a new life education. I want to grow. I need to push myself past my comfort zone.
Life however, has a habit of not cooperating with one's well laid plans and maybe Laura is right. Quick pit stop in China to crush some catalogues for cash, then back to Van for that shoot and then I can hit the Caribbean to try again for a yachtie job.
But..... China. My love/hate affair for China is well documented and while I sometimes miss the craziness of everyday life there, I don't know if I can handle the war of attrition that is Chinese work life anymore. GZ is known as the hardest of the hard when it comes to modelling contracts.
But it's also known as the most money.

Time and money..........our ever constant worry.

"Time is money people! It's time to SHOOTSKIE!!!"" he says. The coming rain clouds have the production in full scramble mode as we are already behind on our shoot day and rain spells disaster. The AD (Assistant Director) continues on; "OK let's reset! Background back to one! First marks!!!"

I'm standing there in the middle of a Polish Pakistani picnic with a camera pointed at my face and about 50 extras patiently waiting for me to figure this shot out. The director gets up and comes over from his monitor in video village.
Not a good sign.

"Ok last time you looked like you don't really like the orange juice. This time, I really want to see you having fun with the orange juice. I want to see it in your eyes. Make sure they pop. Speed up your beats, give me more energy and REALLY drink a lot this time. Don't forget to face the label to camera Ok?!"
"Ok. I'll love the juice this time."

My eyes will pop...... from diabetic shock.

Maybe I'm coming across as fake because my life seems unreal lately. A week ago, I was a deckie living a meagre yachtie existence in the South of France... but when French Anthony called to ask if I wanted to shoot a commercial with him in Poland, cash in hand, no commission, no casting... how could I say no? I've been in this industry long enough to know that this kind of thing doesn't come along often. So, a few days later I started the trip that started this post. Fast forward 48 hours and I'm here on the set of an orange juice commercial. In Poland, by a Pakistani production for the Tunisian and Moroccan market.
Life is a funny thing. It never ceases to amaze me how random everything is. Sometimes I think that my attraction to randomness (or it's attraction to me) is my greatest strength...... and then some days I think that it's my greatest downfall.

I try to be open to everything. To everyone.... but maybe that's what pulls me away

Am I wrong to take these opportunities? Was leaving the yacht job easter egg hunt to play an orange juice drinking DJ at a Pakistani production of a picnic in Poland a mistake?
(is that sentence even real?) Should I be more consistent? Should I be more focused?
"We need you for focus." the DOP (Director Of Photography) says, asking me to raise my juice to my second mark so they can pull camera focus for the shot.
Right. I have a job to do. Even if I feel like puking up two litres of OJ. I hear action, throw back more juice and pop my eyes.

"Why don't you just come home?" my sister says. "Come see us at the cabin. Your nieces would love to see you. So would Dad!" This is her response to when I say I don't know what to do with my life. Just come home.... the thought of which hadn't crossed my mind (which is weird considering I had looked at every other option from Manila to Miami) "You need to get out of Europe. Montreal isn't Europe. It makes perfect sense!" 
She's reaching and she knows it. I love her for trying though. My sister has a way of calming me when everything seems out of control.

My ability to head off into the dark is only because I have the lighthouse that is my sister guiding me back

"No one will think you've failed if you come back now. You can always try again in November."

She's right. Even though I hate the thought of pulling the shoot on the Med, my time is running out. Too many thoughts race through my head as our van races us back through the night time Polish back roads. Back to Warsaw and back towards a much needed bed.
The next day I think about our conversation on the plane ride back. Her words mixing with the mix of everything else. 

My life. 

My life is rewarding and exhausting. It's equal parts terrifying and liberating. There are some days where I feel like I have it all figured out. Like I've hacked the system and I've found a way out of the race. Then there are other days where I feel like I'm the only guy on the dance floor and everyone else has long since went home together. 

I'm both Selma and Louise on fast forward towards my slow motion ending. 

It's 6am and the sun's warmth has the morning mist dancing on the otherwise still lake. It's just me here, me with my thoughts as I sit on the dock my dad made years back. My jet lag refused me sleep and it's benefit is the silence of morning. 

Silence. How I like silence. 

I take it all in. The fresh countryside Canadian air, the dew on the dark green leaves, the family of ducks cutting across the living painting in front of me. It's a golden moment and a long time coming. A lot of thought went into getting me here. 

Our favourite movies tell us that all stories have an ending. One that ties everything up with a cinematic bow, with our hero riding off into the sunset as the credits role by...... but that's not life. Not mine anyways. I know my life is a story worth telling but I don't know how the story ends. I don't know if I ever figure this all out and live happily ever after. I don't know if that's even for me. I don't know why I leave so much or where I'm going to be in a future that I just can't see.

But sitting here in a familiar getaway from my youth, surrounded by a family that loves and supports me, that all begins to fade away.
I let go of it all and embrace the silence.

My mind is still.