A Bachelor's Diary Episode 7 Getting Good At Goodbye

Hello friends, how goes being you?
Let's talk. I'll go first;)
If you are reading this then I'm going to assume that you've been keeping up with my days on the Bachelorette Canada and know how episode 7 ended. In case you haven't, here's the episode in irritatingly zoomed in and in poor quality on YouTube. YAY! Skip to 17:57 min to see our rock climbing date and 26:35 for the conversation up on the top of the mountain.

Now that we are all on the same page, let's get down what is going to be my final blog about this show! Holy moly me o my how time flies when you're talking about yourself. Should we cue the dramatic music? Does anybody know Hans Zimmer?

Nobody? Bueller? Ok... moving on.
With this being my goodbye episode, surely there's a lot to talk about........
but here's the thing: I don't know if we really need to.
You see, if you've read my other Bachelorette blogs starting way back when this was all just a maybe then you know where I'm at with all this and how I feel about everything up until now. You know all my fears and reservations about trusting reality tv. You know all the funny, strange and sometimes frustrating moments with this random group of great guys. And you also know the deeper moments with Jas and what that meant to me. So, sure we could hash out that last conversation we had together on that mountain top and get into how it felt to say goodbye. I could tell you what it was like to look this amazing girl in the eye, one I had grown to really like and say those words that I knew would set us down different roads, but the truth is, when I sat down and watched it on TV, it was (for the most part) all there. No frustrating TV edit, no bullshit, just the full conversation in all its rawness and honesty.

And I've got to say that the cynic in my was pleasantly surprised. So to rehash the whole thing here just seems..... unneeded. I've always believed that the truth will set you free (I've also always been the kind of guy who says cheesy stuff like that) and in this case I think it really applies.
Today's gift of truth is tomorrow's freedom from regret. 

With Jas, there was a lot we wanted to talk about and while there was so many things we never really got the chance to discuss, we did manage to make time for the most important things. The soulful things that come from below the skin and deep within the heart. The things that make up who we are. Actually, when I think back on our talks, it seems like we ONLY had super heavy talks and while sure, I'm willing to go there sometimes, the fact is in normal life I wouldn't do that right out of the gate with someone. "Do you think that love lasts?" is a great opening question to scare the hell out of your next tinder date.

But the bachelorette world isn't normal dating, it's more like relationship steroids so we found ourselves talking about the heaviest stuff first and trying to work our way backwards. If it was up to me, I would've like a one on one date to Netflix and chill in our pyjama pants where we order in take out, watch a good movie and maybe play some crib.
Which doesn't exactly make for thrilling TV.


So old people card games aside, I'm sure I came across as that dude that talks too many feels on the show but I'm actually glad it happened that way because when it came time to say goodbye, neither of us had to worry that we didn't say what needed to be said. There's a peace that comes with truth and when it comes to Jas and I, I know we're good because we both know who we are and what we are looking for and most importantly; we were both honest to each other about that. Was I sad? Yeah. Yeah I was. Part of me will always think about her and wonder about what if she had said yes to taking off together...... but I respect her for knowing what she needed and I truly do wish the very best for her with whoever she chooses to make a life with. While we might be going different ways, I really do believe that
Your adventure is wherever you choose to make it

So go make it great Jas.

Getting good at goodbye

So instead of giving you the play by play of what was said on that mountain, I want to instead take this opportunity to talk about something other than me for once (I know, this is a rarity so soak it up) I want to tell you about the people who made this show happen: the crew.
Now, in my past, I've spent a fair amount of time working on film sets (a story for another day) so I know a thing or two about that whole world. I've been on enough bad sets with unhappy crews to know a good one when I see it so let me tell you about the crew that made this show happen: The were by far the NICEST, hardworking group of people I've ever seen in this industry. Bar none. Period. Full stop. Othersentencethatshowsimportance. One of my biggest let downs with writing about this whole journey was that I had to agree to not break the 4th wall so I wasn't able to discuss that side of things and for me that was HUGELY interesting. I promise this crew was way more cooler than us bachelors and while I'm technically breaking my agreement by saying all this, I would hope that they let it slide this one time seeing how it's said in love and with the utmost respect. (Read: this is me asking you guys to please let this slide and not sue my broke ass.)
Still friends?





Alright:)

The producers also took a Quantum Leap of faith in letting me write this blog in the first place when they very easily could've kiboshed the whole thing and shut me down like Warren Wells Fargo. No one would've blamed them had they done that yet they trusted me to tell the story the way I saw it and for that I owe them my thanks. Writing about this journey unpacked everything that was floating around in my head and led me to some very needed lessons about what I'm looking for. It also let me get away with making way too many cat puns while trashing the other guys with semi good humoured jokes ........so that was alright too.
The relationships I built with this amazing crew carried me through what were some very confusing and emotional times and I will keep these people in a special place in my heart. Thank you so much for everything my friends. I'm honoured to have been a part of it.

And speaking of amazing people..... let's talk about the other guys on the show. How surprised was I to find that I actually really liked all these dudes?! We joke that we went on TV to find love and ended up finding it for each other. Now, twenty guys in love isn't the kind of movie I would normally rent.......but it turns out this one was definitely worth it.  #bachelorbromance2016 #bestieswithtestes #dontyoutestthesebesties
I related to all of these guys in one way or another and I have to say; I miss those crazy dudes. I'm still holding out that the network makes a show where we all get an apartment together. Kickstarter anyone?

 

But as much as I loved all these cats, there's one guy I want to tell you about in particular and in fact, there's a conversation we had that perfectly sums him up. On the show, this bachelor really dove in head first and wore his heart on his sleeve and as time progressed, we became pretty good friends. I watched him fall hard for Jasmine and then get pretty torn up as he had to watch her date other guys. (don't try this at home kids trust me, it sucks) I fell into a bit of a big brother role with some of these guys on the show so I felt like I should warn him and tell him to protect his heart. I told him to remember that this was a reality show and that he could get really hurt. His response was:
"When it comes to love, you just have to go for it, regardless of where you are and how you find it."

While I didn't realize it at the time, this talk wasn't me teaching him something but instead him teaching me. I was wrong to tell him to guard his heart and looking back now I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me and my foolish ways. And if by any chance you don't already know who I'm talking about, here's a song he kept asking me to play while we were on the show and that should give you a pretty good idea who I'm talking about.

So many feels;)



You know, considering this was supposed to be a short blog with me not having much to say, I seem to have found a way to ramble on for far too long (it's kinda my thang) so let's wrap this up before the academy throws on the music and let's get to the final thanks of the evening and Jerry's....I mean Kevin P's final thought:

I want to thank you. The reader. For taking the time to read my little thoughts and watch this silly show. For investing in me and coming along for the ride with all the highs and lows. For all my friends and family who gave me so much truly unbelievable support through this and also for all the viewers too, who reached out to offer their support as well (not an easy thing to do to put your neck out). Doing this show has not only taught me a lot about myself but also about people as a whole. I know I've said it before..... but I really do believe that we are all just a bunch of weirdos looking for love. That's it. It's all we have and it's what this whole thing is about. It's what we all need, what we all are searching for and what brings out the best in all of us, even when it sometimes needs to destroy us to do so.
So with all that said, I'll leave you with that one last lesson that my good friend Mikhela showed me:






Let down your guard...
Let love in...
And take the leap into the unknown.












Written with the biggest love I can possibly offer you.
See you on the road,
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 2

Ok so this is my Coles Notes on Ep 6 in Marrakesh continued. I decided to split this blog up into two parts because we all know the average attention span is shorter than:

1. The list of guys left on this show

2. Jasmine standing next to Kyle #tenfeetofKyle

3. Wale standing next to Kyle 

4. Basically any human being on earth standing next to Kyle

5. You've already stopped reading this haven't you?

Anyways, the main reason I separated this blog into two parts is because this is the heavier of things that is on my mind. Not the fluff but instead the feels and not a lot of funny. So if you're still looking for laughs, here's me doing......whatever this is: 

Ok. Now that we've established that I shouldn't be taken too seriously, let's tear me apart in the most brutal of fashions. 


First off, here's the episode on for your viewing pleasure. Complete with a lovely background of jungle animals because...... the internet?

Skip ahead to 43:00 for our talk on our group date and 53:50 for our talk at the rose ceremony.

Feeling The Heat

When we left Quebec, I was very happy to get back on the road and explore Morocco as these days, I feel more at home out of a backpack than I do in my home country. There's an unfortunate truth that comes with a life on the road:
You can't go home again 
From the moment we landed, Marrakech did not disappoint. It's a beautiful, interesting hub of activity and a real melting pot of culture. So rich in colours, textures and flavours and it felt so good to be there. However, with that excitement of being somewhere new also came an entirely different feeling. By the time we got to our riad it was very clear to me that this was no longer just a fun little experience to take as it came but was now getting much more serious and the pressure was on with hometown dates around the corner. Not something I took lightly.
While my time with Jasmine had always felt right when we were together, it had been a long time since we had actually sat down and really connected. I was seriously beginning to feel disconnected from her, not to mention overwhelmed by the whole process. Having a camera in your face 24/7 takes a toll and watching the episodes now I can actually see the stress on my face. I was burnt out and at a crossroads. One road leading to Jas and one leading me to potentially never seeing her again.

In the past, I've usually tried to avoid long distance relationships and yet somehow, I was travelling with Jasmine while oddly feeling like I was in a long distance relationship with her at the same time. It felt backwards. How are you supposed to maintain a connection with someone you barely see? Then, seeing her relationships with the other guys move along while mine seemingly stood still only made things feel worse. Remember that these were the very same guys I was befriending and talking to about everything so it was hard to know who to trust and what was real. They were the only people I could to talk to during the filming so we all became really close despite us all dating the same girl. To say it was a weird situation doesn't even begin....
And yes, sure there was a feeling of competition (more so with some of other guys) but I've never been one to feel the need to go down that road. I had no desire to "win" or get roses. It's just that I knew that Jasmine and I could very well have something real and I really wanted to know what that was. I had to find out for sure....instead of going home to spend the rest of my life wondering if I let love slip me by.
That lingering question:
Who was this girl in front of me?

A Guarded Heart

In the past, I've written about 
The mall cop that guards my heart shaped box

His presence in my life was born in my youth in a time of need (more on that later) but had come to be a burden in my relationships as an adult. I've fought a lot battles with him and that was part of the reason why I said yes to maybe and did this show. I knew it would take something bigger than me to help knock down these no longer useful walls of old. By putting it out there for the world to see I wouldn't be able to hide from it anymore. I wouldn't be able to hide my fear of letting people in under the romanticism of travel life anymore. One of the inconveniently harsh truths I've learned about myself while on the road is that my travels have masked some selfishness. Not a fun realization to make and it's been something I've been working hard to face head on. Another is that part of me just feels more at peace when I'm alone and that it's just in my nature to be a bit of a lone wolf.
There's a certain kind of peace that comes in solitude
While I can accept that as part of what makes me who I am, part of me knows that there was also definitely something unhealthy hiding in that push to push away.

With Jasmine, one thing I noticed was that as much as I was guarded, she didn't seem thrown off by it. It felt like she saw past it as being just part of who I was. In fact, it calmed me to see how calm she was in the face of it, as if her quiet acceptance of it was proof that she related and felt somewhat the same way. Like we were
Two wandering wolves meeting in the woods.
The woods of Marrakesh that is;)
I related to Jasmine in more ways than I should considering how little we talked. There was just this unspoken understanding between us. A look in the eye. A feeling underneath it all. For some reason it just felt like we somehow knew each other before meeting. Even that first night when I sang to her outside the limo, I felt like I recognized her even though I knew we had never met. Outside the show it turns out that we walked in very close circles but never actually crossed paths. Jasmine it seems, just came with a familiar feeling. There really is something special about that girl....

So I struggled with opening up and letting her in and no doubt part of that was my own bullshit but in all honesty I knew it was something more than that. A big part of my reservations lay in that we were doing this on a reality TV show..... and I know what you're thinking, "You signed up for this! What were you expecting?" and yes that is very much true but until you've been through something like this, I would kindly ask you to reserve your judgment. Because you really have no idea.....
Now I won't sit here and go off about all the things I struggled with regarding the process of the show as it would be disrespectful to the people that worked tremendously hard to make it a reality. That team of people were amazing and I'm very glad to have gone down this road with them. They took great effort to take care of us during this adventure. It's just that knowing it was a TV show unfortunately poked the old fires of distrust that were already in my heart from days of past.
I've always considered truth the most important currency and in my life I've looked for Truth Before Happiness

So part of my reservations with Jas were tied up in my fears that what if this was all for show? What if it wasn't real? Those kinds of fears where a big part of what made me want to pull away. Having a camera in your face while trying to let down your guard isn't an easy thing to do. So when I said I wish I had met her in a coffee shop, I really meant it.
But that just wasn't the path that brought us together and I couldn't help but wonder; would it be the one that pulled us apart or the one that finally pushed me past myself and towards her?




Time To Get Past The Past

Knowing that home town dates where around the corner, I knew I had some decisions to make. I didn't want to bring my family into this unless I was absolutely certain Jas and I were going to make a real go of this outside of the show. I'm protective of my family life and while the thought of them on National TV is somewhat comical....... it's mostly just utterly terrifying (except for my amazing little nieces because they would totally kill it with cuteness). My family back story isn't one I tell often and while I'm willing to have that conversation in the right situation; I was hesitant to just throw that out there for TV entertainment with no control as to how it would be told. Still though, I knew Jasmine would need to know about that part of my life for us to move forward and during our talk at the rose ceremony I alluded to this.

Growing up, I had a childhood that came with both  Love and Loss and both were certainly early lessons that changed the trajectory of my life. In the past I've written about what it was like growing up with a mom fighting addiction and I chose to write about it in the hopes that by putting it out there I could move past it and find peace with it. There's something cathartic about writing what you feel you can't say. There's a release in penning it down and putting it out there that let's you stop carrying it with you...... which is I guess what this is. And while I'm nervous to include these writings in this post, I think the truth is needed here..... but before we dive any deeper down that rabbit hole and hijack this post in that retelling, I'll just include the above link that tells the tale and this one below about how it's affected  my adult life.

Running for home 

Like I said to Jas that night; there's going to be good things and there's going to be bad things as you get to know me and the truth is; you get both.


The 11th Hour Kiss

Before we end this already far too feely and drawn out post, I guess I should stop delaying the inevitable and finally get to that kiss. The kiss heard around the riad. How appropriate that it almost took me longer to get to it in this post then it took to happen on the show. What can I say? I've always been something of a pleasure delayer and tend to leave the best for last. As a kid, I always liked Christmas Eve more than Christmas and I used to keep a present unopened under the tree (much to my family's annoyance) so as to keep something there to look forward to. To hold on to that feeling that it could be anything.
For me,
        Anticipation was always the real gift
The wonderment of what might be. Surely that played apart of why I waited with Jas but more so, I wanted to be sure of who she was before going down that road. Knowing who someone is makes it so much more enjoyable and natural to me. Plus, I am basically the reembodied spirit animal of a turtle and make moves at about that same speed when it's someone I really like.  #40yearoldvirginisalmostmybiography. I've just never been one to rush and anyone who's ever seen me eat knows this well. #canigetthistogo?#awkwardfirstdates

It's not to say I didn't want to kiss her before that night. Jasmine is smart, funny and beautiful and I wanted to kiss her all the way back in Jamaica. I just wanted to know more about her before I did. Too often in the past I have found myself dating someone who I thought I really connected with only to later on realize that I was lost in the fog of attraction. This time, I wanted to make sure it was substance over style and not the other way around.

Lastly, before we go, I will say this: it's very easy to look ahead and after my time with Jasmine on that rose ceremony I couldn't help but wonder. Yet even as I did, my ever constant security guard reminded me that it's a very dangerous thing to do. Either way, I know this:
We don't get to chose what comes tomorrow. But we do get to chose what we do today and looking back on that night in Morocco I am glad that I made the decision to let down my guard and let her in to see me for who I am.


Oh and one last thing: That day at the riad while sitting in the sun before the ceremony, I wrote a song that about all of this and so last night I recorded it (mistakes and all) as I figured it should be part of this post. In my head, it should be Eddie Vedder singing it..... but I guess you're stuck with me.
Check it out below.
Thanks for reading my friends:)
With truth and love,
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 6: Marrakesh Musings Part 1

Hey there internet world. How goes Pixeltown procrastination? Thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts instead of doing that thing you are TOTALLY supposed to be doing right now so I'm going to try my best to make it an enjoyable break from today's todo list.

I felt it was time to write again seeing how it has been two weeks since my last post and there's been a fair bit rolling around in the old brain box. Now, sometimes when I write, I like to pen a tale that puts you in my shoes, gives you all the feels and shares a lesson that life has taught me. Click here for one of those. Other times it's more of a social commentary where I dissect an idea and try to cram in as much funny stuff as possible. Click here for that.
Today however, I just want to get some shit off my chest.
#thatswhatshesaid #shesaiditwasinkarmasutra #shelied
#hobbies

Moving on......

I'm going to do this post like a Coles notes of things on my mind regarding this little thing called The Bachelorette Canada and if you're sick of hearing about that (which is totally understandable) then here's some pointless explosions for you:

All better? Good. Now here's what has been rolling around in my head as of late.

Kevin P "Deckhand"?

Work in progress 👍🌞☺

A photo posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Jun 23, 2016 at 5:10pm PDT

One of the questions I keep getting asked is what is a deckhand, and when did that happen? For many of my friends, the deckhand gig seems new. Truth is, I had been planning it for a couple years now, taking courses and building contacts in the yachting world. After filming the Bachelorette, I pulled the pin and flew to France to find a job on a boat. Fast forward to today and I can say that yes, I finally did find a job and I now work and live on a yacht that is based in Florida for the winter. Hello trips to the Caribbean, goodbye winter air that makes my face hurt.

As for what the job entails, it is basically everything involved in taking care of the boat and the guests on it. There's a million things to do and it's a really interesting and challenging job. It has been a pretty intense experience so far, especially seeing how I basically know nothing about boats and had to battle to get the job #creativelywrittenresumesftw but all will come in time..... and so will a blog telling this story in greater depth.

Not a bad way to bank the bucks for travel days.

A video posted by Kevin Dexter (@kevindexter) on Sep 29, 2016 at 8:46am PDT

The Drew Show

Every day I get asked about Drew. "Is he really like that in person? Did you guys get along? Was he just acting?" TBH I'm beyond sick of talking about the guy as I didn't sign up to be on the Drew show. So to answer this one last time: Yes, sometimes Drew is an ass, but he can also be a really fun guy too. He is both a good guy and an asshole. It depends on his mood. It's worth remembering that an experience like this is designed to make you emotional and play on your insecurities so while I definitely didn't always agree with the things I heard come out of his mouth.....

I tried my best to relate knowing that this was a stressful situation to go through and we all handled that stress differently. That said, at the end of the day; you are your actions.

Speaking of his actions, there is one thing I would like to say regarding everyone's favourite villain: on our tea market group date in Marrakesh, Jasmine and I snuck off from the guys and were in the middle of a pretty heavy convo..... when Drew entered to steal her away. Standard Bachelor procedure right? Well, what you didn't see on TV was that Drew could've interrupted and cut me off like most guys would....but he instead chose not to. He saw that what I was saying was important and showed me the respect by hanging back and letting me finish. Had he not given me that, things could've ended very differently later on that night. It showed me a side of Drew that most people didn't get a chance to see. I was really struggling on this date and lost in my head so I need a moment to clarify things with Jas. Drew saw that, knew it was important to me and and let me have my moment with her. So if you ever read this Drew, thank you for that.

But lezbi honest; you don't look like the reading type Drew.  OOOOOH #bachelorburn #thisishowweshowlove
Just kidding bro. One love.

One love..... for earplugs;)

Group Date Hate


KW and I are pretty different in a lot of ways but one thing we definitely agree on is group dates. They suck. A lot. I'd rather get in a boxing match with bees than ever do a group date again. Group dates are kind of like when Tinder meets Uber Pool. Ya... this is just not the ride share I'm looking for. I'm all for saving the environment but it turns out the term "going green" actually meant green with jealousy. Good to know.
"On tonights episode of the Bachelorette Canada: Another group date! And after the show don't forget to stay tuned for a brand new episode of A&E's "Escaping Polygamy" at 9/7 central."
Ya I probably shouldn't make fun of that.......but, jokes.
In Jamaica we talked about "One Love" at Bob Marley's studio....... apparently they mean that literally.

No thanks.

I remember David called me the group date assassin (which I wasn't) but whatever luck I had in Jamaica I definitely forgot to pack for Quebec because once I got there it was straight struggles for the old "Kevin P". No more winning of group dates. No more time with Jasmine. Luckily, I didn't have much time to be bummed about it because I was too busy getting to be part of the Cirque De Soleil!!! How cool was that?! I still can't believe that happened. That experience was so so great and I'm pretty sure I found my next profession when my sailor days are sunk.

Skip ahead to 20:04 for my disturbingly good poll skills.

And to answer everyone's question: No. I have never worked as a stripper before, but am I ever excited to get to listen to jokes about working the pole for the rest of my life. Thank you for that Bachelorette Canada. All said and done it was still worth it though. Something to throw on my already weird resume under "Special Skills." Pole work. That's a surefire hire right there;)
That experience was definitely a great memory for me. I love rock climbing and I'm a bit of a monkey so I liked the challenge. The trainers at Cirque actually told me I should come back and keep training and I might just take them up on that when I decided to quit adulting and join the circus.
One last thing: Dear David, your activity was an EasyBake oven compared to mine so stop with the complaining already. #toppedthat

After Montreal we hit up Quebec City and it was there that we went all in on the Canada clichés. We donned flannel, swigged syrup, chopped wood for love and stopped just short of hockey fights followed by apologies. Soorry bout dat:)



Seriously though. What in the canuck does chopping wood have to do with anything? Why did they insist on me wearing a XXL lumberjack shirt?! How is Chris so secretly strong? Why was there SOOOOOO many damn nails?! #marathonofsuck #rightarmdiedthatday #goodbyelovelife
It was rigged I say! Rigged.

Ok fair enough, I sucked. I'd club a baby seal to get that day back and give it another swing of the axe. I misjudged you giant log. Turns out you were the real deal and apparently I'm just the wrong kind of Axe man.


Like I've said before, I've had a bit of a weird life, but that's a story for another day.

Part 2 of this one tomorrow.
Now get back to ignoring that todo list;)

A Bachelor's Diary Episode 3: The heart of the storm

I find myself lost once again.

This time deep in the hull of a boat as we cut through the cold Atlantic waters. Hunkered down below deck in my cramped quarters, I listen to the waves rhythmically slap their dull thud against the hull. As the boat sways back and forth in its ever constant fight with the waves, my body is loudly letting me know it does not approve of my life choices.
You do not belong here it says. I tell my body I know better and pretend sea sickness is just a mind game.... but I'm not entirely convinced. I peer out my porthole in hopes of reprieve only to have those hopes drown in the cold Atlantic waters pummelling the glass. I pull the blanket over my head while tucked in my tiny bunk bed to forget the unnerving feeling. The bed is a triangle shaped bunk 2 feet wide at the head and 1 foot at my feet. It's functional and fits my living space, which is the size of a modest closet and is my supposed getaway from my work. A getaway I share it with a coworker I just met.

Suddenly those east Vancouver basement suites on Craigslist seem luxurious in their mildew tinted spaciousness.

But my Vancouver days and it's skewed rental market are far far away now.
I'm currently on the other side of the continent, underwater and nowhere near land. Surrounded by absolutely nothing but the sea..... I still feel like I can't get away.
The story of my life. 

This is the part of the story where the protagonist freaks the fuck out.

Well, this may be my first time working at sea but it's not the first time I've felt like this. Not at all. It's a feeling I actually know pretty well. A feeling I seem to search for more and more in my years of late. Why I put myself here is a valid question, one I ask myself often these days and its answer lies deep in the bowels of who I am....

Ok so........ are we not doing phrasing anymore? I know this is a bit more of a serious post but come on already.....bowels?

My decision to change careers and become a deckhand is born of a deeper theme in my life to seek out the unknown. To search for adventure in that which is challenging and often uncomfortable. These days, it's one of two adventures I'm currently living. The other is a TV retelling of an improbable journey I went through earlier this year. A journey with a girl named Jasmine........ and nineteen other dudes. They were there too.
Yay...

But as I lay here remembering that journey with her, all that comes to mind right now is a conversation in Jamaica with just the two of us.

"I was going to take you on a hike up this beautiful mountain but the rain decided otherwise... so I figured why not just sit and talk on the balcony. Are you cool with that?" she says. Finally. A chance to get to know the question mark in a sun dress standing in front of me. "Yes that's perfect" I say. I had been wanting to sit down and finally find out who she is for three weeks now and it seems the rain gods approve.
Talking with Jasmine is easy. She's chill, down to earth and open hearted. I've never been one for talking about the weather, (pretty sure I just did that) usually preferring to dive below the surface level small talk and I'm relieved to see she's completely game to do the same. It feels like we've known each other for a long time and I feel oddly comfortable telling her truths I usually keep guarded. When I started this journey I made the decision to be an open book with her but I'd be lying if I said I could keep a secret from her. She just has this way of disarming you and drawing you in. It's as if she can look inside and turn down the feedback noise in my head. Muting the ever constant chatter. There's so much hype around whether or not you will like each other and have a connection so it's a good feeling when there's one actually there. It feels...... honest. We talk about everything and anything. 

Then she says "Tell me about your past relationships."

And things were going so well....

A flash of lightning lights up my window. We're headed into a storm. The unhappy boat begins sliding around on the troubled waves. I can hear it's discontent as the yacht moans it's creaks and groans as it lobs back and forth. I can feel it in that ever louder feeling in my stomach as we chug ahead into the dark. There won't be sleeping tonight. I head up to the bridge as it's my turn for watch duty soon anyways. The rain is coming in sideways now. The lightning flashes across the midnight sky. We are surrounded by total blackness. It has me feeling immediately awake and very much alive. I look to the radar and see we are quite literally in the heart of the storm.
I stare off into the nothingness and my mind drifts back...

Normally, I avoid past relationship talks as long as possible. It's just one of those conversations that never seems to benefit either party and for me, it's not something I need to know. But I get why she asks. It's a fair question. So, in the spirit of truth, I tell her the good and the bad of my life. How I've been travelling for the last five years and how I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing women who've let me into their lives. How when you're abroad living in a new country, it can be easier to open up and let someone in as you journey through something new together. Adventure is a romantic affair......but with it comes the eventual goodbyes when it's time for one of you to pick up the bags again. In my last line of work, contracts usually had me going somewhere new before I ever wanted to leave and I all too often found myself saying goodbye before either of us were ready. It's a sad truth but your heart finds a way to get used to it. Kind of like how your friends get used to you always going again. I've said it before:

There's a special kind of guilt that comes with getting good at goodbye

So my love for travel has kept me lacking in lasting love for the last long while. Letting people in, loving them for a little while and then letting them go. In some ways it's been good for me. Getting me out of my head, learning to open up and let people in. In others, it's been bad, reinforcing those old ideas that sooner or later, love has a way of leaving.

Somehow, Jasmine and I get to the topic of my family. I tell her about my sister, who I often call my lighthouse (no matter where I am she always can bring me back home) and of course of my amazing little nieces. Before long, I'm telling her about the my most recent trip to the airport when my 4 year old niece asked: Uncle Kevin,
Do you leave because you're scared to love?

Cue the crickets.
That moment floored me. It still rings in my head and serves up a lot of bad uncle guilt. Kids only have two volumes: gibberish and complete unadulterated truth. 

And we both know which one that was.

The look on Jasmine's face says it all. I can tell it's a moment that will now define us. Part of me regrets saying it. Part of me is glad I did. This is me. This is who I am. Good and bad. There's both to find here in the search of who I am. Truth is
You don't find yourself alone because of bad luck. I am where I have chosen to be. It's a hard truth but one that I have chosen to realize over time. And maybe that's exactly why I found myself in front of Jasmine. Why I said yes to maybe and started this improbable adventure. I chose to be here. To confront this theme in my life and move past it. 

But I can't help but wonder: can she see past my past?

I step out onto the bow of the ship to clear my head. The rain has stopped now and clouds have parted. The humid air is warm as it flicks sea water against my face and hints that we are nearing our home port. The night's storm sits far off on the horizon and its lightning still flickers. I look up and see that the night sky is now lit by a universe of stars. It's one of those nights where you can see everything. The milky way's faint glow streaks across the sky and all my problems suddenly feel so very small and far away. I stand there in complete silence for what feels like forever, watching for shooting stars. I take it all in: the waves crashing against the hull, the lightning dancing in the distance and the light of the universe shining down on my tired shoulders. I fight the urge to break out the camera, knowing that no picture would ever do this justice..... and it seems fitting that way.
Some of life's moments are just for right now. To be lived in that moment and kept only in your heart for every moment after. It's one of the many lessons that has come with a life spent travelling. I'm overcome with an overwhelming feeling of being right where I am supposed to be. On my path to wherever it is I'm going in my life.......but right beside that feeling is something else too: a wanting. A desire to share this gift I've just been given. A feeling that it's time to share this life with someone else. 

A truth:

A real love of searching for adventure that found that love IS the real adventure

Some will read this and see a guy who spent a life leaving love. Others will see someone with a joy for seeing the world. Myself, standing on the bow of a star lit ship in the middle of the ocean, I see in me someone who just wants a partner to share these moments with as we journey through the dark. 

So..... how about that weather?

A Bachelor's Diary Episode 2: Why I'm not married to marriage

Watching this week's episode of The Bachelorette Canada brought back a lot of good memories from my time in Jamaica and there's so much we could talk about from that first week. From experiencing Jamaica's culture and meeting it's warm people to getting the chance to record a song at Bob Marley's recording studio (still can't believe that happened). More than anything though, I want to talk about a conversation I had with Jasmine while on our group date. It wasn't very long before that conversation was interrupted but in the brief time we had, I was able to ask her some deeper questions about what she was looking for by being on the show. During our conversation, the topic of marriage came up and it being a strong theme on the Bachelorette, I wanted to hear her words on wedlock.

I wanted to know if getting married was a make or break issue. Could she handle a love that didn't lead to marriage? To my surprise she said yes. This part of our conversation unfortunately didn't make it on to TV (Thomas's sexual tongue swallowed a lot of air time) but for me it was very important to hear her say that as it revealed a lot about her intentions. Then, when she asked me if I was looking to get married we were interrupted by a 10 foot tall giant who smelled of cats and had PURRfectly CATastrophic timing. I wasn't able to answer as she was whisked away and I was left to go and hang in losers litter box with Seth and Chris.
#catpuns
Good times had.

So seeing how I didn't get to talk to Jasmine about my views on marriage, I'm going to use this week's post to tell everyone else instead. #nobodyputskevin'sthoughtsonmarriageinacorner.
Meow, most would assume that anybody doing a show like The Bachelorette would be ready to run down the aisle towards happily ever after right? Well, that's not exactly me. ....

Sometimes I BRAP.

Working at sea I tie a lot of knots but there's one knot I'm not necessarily tied to tying....(pun game on point). 
To me there's a big difference between people who are looking to find their other half.... and people who are looking to find a husband.

Myself I'm looking to find love and while I would definitely be open to it if my imaginary girlfriend (you should meet her she's really great) and I both chose to go down that path, I am pretty hesitant to marriage as THE stock and standard, go-to life option after years of having it thrown in my face like wedding confetti.

So, in an effort to speak my objections now instead of forever holding my peace, this post is going to deconstruct my reservations on marriage..... and I know what you might be thinking: Why on Earth would someone go on a show like the Bachelorette and then write a big long post ripping apart the institution of marriage when marriage serves as one of the bedrock themes of the show? Well, because I'm annoyingly honesty in my opinions I guess. Turns out honesty is very important to me. Who knew?

HOLYMOLYMATRIMONY!!!

I guess part of why I say this is because it's very easy to be glamourized on a TV show and let people fill in the blanks as to who I am (something Jasmine herself mentioned she did with Seth) but I would rather people know me for who I am than like me for someone I'm not. So with all that said, here's some thoughts on why I'm not married to getting married.

              7 reasons why I'm not married to marriage

She's behind me again isn't she?

1. The Application Form For Happiness
We humans can be pretty cool....but sometimes we let our fears make our our biggest decisions instead of making them for ourselves. The fear of making mistakes and straying from the pack can all too often lead us to follow the well walked path instead of forging our own. This natural tendency can lead us to not take chances, not trust ourselves and instead look to others to tell us what to do. We have this weird fetish with submitting to other peoples ideals and expectations of us as it temporarily takes the burden off us to be the writer in the story of our lives.
The likely truth behind this is that the thought that we are in charge of our destiny can actually be overwhelming. So, in the face of that, we fall in line and do as what's expected of us instead of listening to what's in our hearts. This is how people end up finding themselves unhappy halfway through their lives after doing "all the right things." They go down the check list of someone ele's preconceived ideas of what a happy life is supposed to be. Other people are getting married? Seems like a good plan. I'll do that. Marriage has become the customary move for so-called "well adjusted" people and while marriage can definitely be a beautiful adventure, if it's not one that you arrived at of your own volition, you might be fooling yourself into a prepackaged, white picket fenced in life.

2. Validation Valentine 

For some, a wedding ring is just a simple reminder of a commitment to each other but to others...........it seems to serve more as shiny validation. Ever seen someone flash around a ring as if to say "Look at how much I'm worth!"? 

Too bad it's not that ring that would make her disappear #LOTR

Of course this isn't the case with for most but for more than a few that little ring plays big into how they measure their worth. The bigger the rock, the more they feel valued and to that I say..... I don't.
Too often, how we view ourselves is tied up in how we think others view us..... 

Tomorrow's currency

and the flip side of that is so much of how others view us comes from how we view ourselves. We all want love but sometimes instead of looking inward and starting there, we search outwards in hopes that someone will let us know that we are worthy of it. While this is understandable, at it's core it serves as a broken foundation that often leads to problems down the road. I'm convinced that the strongest love is made inside you and then given as a gift to those you love......and if that gift isn't shiny enough for them then I guess they're too dull for it anyways.

3. Princess for a day 

There is a weird phenomenon around weddings that I like to call "Princess for a day." There is no doubt that there is a huge amount of societal pressure on women to marry and most men can't pretend to know how that feels......

I said "most"

....but sometimes, people are more focused on the idea of getting to play dress up in front of all their friends and family than they are in building a healthy relationship with their partner. Let's just say that their intentions are far from maid of honour.

I really shouldn't be allowed to write these things.

Anyhoo.... some wedding-wanting-would-be's are so quick to Say Yes To The Dress that they don't think twice about who's in the suit standing beside them. Cut to 2 years later and they might find themselves back at their local government building filling out a whole new set of forms.
To save you both time and money (not to mention everyone who came and bought you wedding gifts), it might be worth asking yourself some simple questions. So here's a simple list:

Things you should ask yourself before getting married, in order of importance.

Question 1: Will the person standing up there with me be a good life partner, support me and help me be the best version of me that I can be?

Question.....whatever number comes after infinity: Will he look Prince Charming enough up on the altar?

That's the order for future reference yo and if you can't figure that out.....

Maybe don't have kids until you do.

Me pretending to be Prince Charming.

Me being me.

4. The Debt Bet

Nothing says "I love you" like spending too much money on your perfect day..... and then being busted broke while you pay it off for the rest of your lives. Ever wonder who came up with the idea that a wedding should put you into seriously devoted debt? Or that she HAS to get a shiny ring worth 3 months salary? (cough cough DE BEERS cough). I know Beyonce can throw down a good hook about putting a ring on it that will make all the Single Ladies dive down the isle but I'm willing to bet she's got a couple more bucks to throw around then most newly weds.
Truth is you shouldn't have to finance your fiancée for forever. How does spending 100K on a one day party show anything about who you're going to be for each other for the rest of your lives? You know Becky, I had my doubts about those two but the moment I saw those adorable handmade table centrepieces at the reception I just KNEW they were meant to be! 
Said no one ever.
When did we go from an intimate celebration of our love with family and friends to break the bank for absolute party perfection? What's the minimum monthly payment on love? I don't know but I'm willing to bet your credit card does.

5. Praying for permission

Religion can be a touchy subject (I'm not even going to touch that joke) so I'm going to try and tread carefully here so as to not to alienate any more people than I surely already have with this sacrilegious post. The tradition of marriage is deeply rooted in religion......and I'm about as religious as Captain Crunch is nautical. 

Ahoy mates let's raise the masts on your glycemic index and set sail to Type 2 diabetes!

Truth be told? I think the last church I stepped in was a Church's Chicken (save the judging for man upstairs) but I completely respect others right to believe in whatever they want to believe in. You want to believe in Buddha, Jesus or the Greek Gods; well, giver. You do you bro. Myself, I've tried calling God before and he has yet to return my calls (All powerful but doesn't have voicemail? Interesting). All that said, religions role in marriage is to me, just another example that this is someone else's idea of how things should be and not one I came to on my own. Pen your own life story and write your own religion dare I say! The only person who I"m asking for permission from if I get married is going to be her Dad and if I'm wrong well then I'll hear about it in the after life....

Speaking of....

6. Dying Not To Die Alone

Bad news: Turns out there's a finish line at the end of the human race. *!!Spoiler alert!!* and while none of us are exactly running towards getting in that casket, some people sure seem to be running to walk down that isle.

Eat it Becky!

Now the whole "till death do you part" thing is pretty intense, especially now that we've kicked kicking the bucket, down the road and into our nineties (one can hope). Back in the day when people only lived for like, 30 years, it wasn't such a big deal but these days you had better be hella sure that Becky is for shiz "the one" because you might be changing each others diapers while swigging back Ensure fifty years from now.

Knew it.

The truth is, we're scared of death and we're scared to go through it alone so the idea of not having to be alone at the end of your life is understandably comforting for that final curtain call scene. While I completely relate to wanting love to last until your last days, it's my personal belief that whether or not you're surrounded by loved ones on your death bed, you're still ultimately taking that next step by yourself. So no matter who you spend your life with, make sure to built yourself into someone you like being around not only for them but for you too because that's who's going to be coming with you.

7. Sign Here for bliss. The word "contract" isn't exactly synonymous with the word "trust" and that's a rather big theme for me when it comes to what I'm looking for in a relationship. Who came up with the idea that you need a written contract for love? Seriously?! Do we really need a piece of paper to tell us to be faithful? To be good to each other?! Contracts are like saying" Hey, I don't trust you so.....sign here and I'll have my lawyer look into it." Like Kanye singing about prenups, this could use some tuning.

I don't have trust issues, I just know better she said

In my life I've usually found that if it needs a contract, it means that sooner or later I'm going to get screwed......which is good news if you've been waiting until marriage but bad news if you don't like getting screwed by lawyers. When it comes to contracts, I'm usually more of a pay as you go kind of guy anyways.

So that's it. That's my list of reservations on marriage and after patiently sitting through it like a catholic wedding ceremony you would surely be thinking that I'm against marriage........ but actually that wouldn't be right. In fact, it would be more wrong than telling people they shouldn't have the right to get married. I'm looking at you Chuck Norris. Truth be told, I'm really not against marriage at all. I just think we need to be cognizant of how we are being influenced into making the decision on whether to tie the knot....or not. I happen to think love is a wonderful thing. I think that two people committing to live their lives together and wanting to celebrate that is beautiful.
Insert photos from personal life showing the journey of love:

Oh what's that? All I have is set pics because I'm forever single?
Well that's awkward

 #myimaginarygirlfriendtakesbadpictures


So before I let you go, I'll just say this:
This whole gift of life is so much better when shared. All we have is each other and I think any love we get is a good thing. If you find yourself in love and want to celebrate that love by getting married? Then go for it. Swipe right and say I do. And if you don't, well that's perfectly ok too. Both are valid, both are worthy. Whatever you choose, I just hope you take the time to come to that decision together instead of starting at some preconceived notion and working your way backwards.
Sending love your way my friends.
See you next week.
K