Made in China 3

Hello friend. Good to see you again.
In the last two posts, we spent an inordinate amount of time talking about toilets and driving in China. So in this one, we will cover everything else.

I know what you're thinking: do gross toilets and horrible Chinese driving really deserve their own individual posts while EVERYTHING else gets mash potato'ed into one?
Yes. Yes they do. This is my blog which means everything I say is perfect and right and besides;
I love mash potatoes.
So with that in mind, here is everything else you can expect to see on your next trip to China:

1- Everyone smokes. Everywhere.... so get used to it. Around 2000 Chinese people die everyday from smoking.

But they look sooooo cool doing it.


2- People are going to stare at you. For long periods of time. Then, when you finally acknowledge them in hopes that they will look away; they won't. 
You are going to loose all staring contests you have in China. Ready your pride for this.
Sometimes, I would just mess with people by moo-ing like a cow to freak them out into leaving. 
That works by the way.

You don't even blink do you?

3- The Chinese language is not exactly melodic. It's sharp and halted which means they that everything sounds like angry yelling. 
Or if you are Russell Peters; it just sounds like funny:

 4- Don't waste your time sorting bottles.
Recycling in Asia is like democracy: it sounds like a cool idea but it has yet to be implemented.

5- People love poodles here. A lot. So much so that they show it by painting them to look like little homemade CareBears. Seeing how poodles are not real dogs, I have no problem with this. I say why not go balls out and break out the Bedazzer.

"Skittle! Come back here and put on your fall coat!"

6- In the Chinese language, the word "that' is pronounced "nigga". I swear to God (seeing how I don't believe in a "God", let's just say I swear to Morgan Freeman. It's basically the same thing). I bring you "veridad" my amigos. Just imagine how many times you uses the word "that" in a day. You will often see little old ladies pointing and yelling "nigga." 
It's kinda like vacationing in Florida.

5- Ok, this one's important:

If you need a haircut, it's probably best to just do that shit yourself. In fact you would be better off just using a rusty knife.
Or a blender. 

Because if you go into a hair salon and ask them for a little trim around ears, this is what you get:

I look like a football hooligan trying out for a part in the next Twilight movie. Not exactly a good look for me.

The goggles! They do nothing....

6- Lens-less glasses are all the rage here. All the cool kids are doing it, because after all, eye glasses aren't for making your sight better but instead they're for making the sight of your face look better to someone else's eyes. As an added bonus, by taking the lenses out of the glasses, it makes them much easier to see through. It also makes the very reason you wear them even more see through. How very perfect. 

7- Chinese people actually do love taking pictures of themselves while flashing the peace sign. So all you people who said Miley Cyrus is racist can go suck a Chinese cockle because that little starlet is clearly all seeing and Yoda wise beyond her Nickelodeon years (Side note: who would've thought that a guy named Billy Ray would have a racist daughter?)

Interesting......

Now I'm sure there are some people would say that all this "Chinese people are different" talk sounds a little too Klu-Kluk but I'm compelled to point out that the people who can't wait to say that my observations on China are wrong are the same people who HAVE NEVER BEEN TO CHINA.

I want to auto-tune your face

Maybe they have just been too busy at a "PARTY IN THE USA"

So to them I say: Go blow your issues in a tissue.

"Dad your embarrassing me!"

8- Many people in China don't understand how to behave in a gym (this is a whole other post in itself). For example: here's a pic of an old dude wearing gloves, dress shoes, winter clothes and sun glasses while walking backwards on a treadmill. To top it off, he even hung the rest of his clothes on a machine nearby as if to claim his territory. But at least he's not smoking....because yes, that happens too. Sometimes they smoke in the gym. They also eat there too because why bother to wait until you are home? What better way to quench that work out thirst then with a spicy bowl of fish noodles.

And me without me sweater

My personal favourite oddity: they just walk up to you and take the weights you are using.... but not just during your rest in between sets, but DURING your actual exercise. I once had a guy try to take a plate off the bar WHILE I was doing bench pressing it. The best part: he was completely surprised to find out that I wasn't "cool" with that.

Realistically, I could go on for hours recounting the Bizzaro world that is the gym in China, from dudes blow drying their jingle balls to old men watching you shower so let's just skip the rant and get....

!!!!*Breaking news: We interrupt this grumbling blog to bring you a developing story. We now go live to our Canadian corespondent Kevin in the field:
"It turns out China is different Chuck. I'll keep you updated as this story breaks! Back to you."


Ok. That was kind of lame...... not exactly a stunning literary device but to be fair, in my mind there was a hovering helicopter in the background.
I also had an ear piece...

So ya....I guess the whole "China is different" story isn't exactly hot off the presses.

What should I have expected? Who flies across the world to another country then complains when it's different than home? Isn't that kind of the point of travelling?
Does it really make sense to go to Shanghai and bitch about the lack of freedom fries?

No. It doesn't. That would be stupid.
Almost as stupid as renaming french fries to piss of the French. 
Checkmate America. 

China is a totally different culture from the other side of the planet. Why would I expect them to be like us in the west? I can only imagine how insane North America looks from the outside looking in:

What a glowing ambassador of western culture you are "Sweet Brown". Thank you for telling it like it is sister.

Or how about our nonsensical holiday traditions?

Ok well what's the point of all this?

I suppose it could be that we are all weird....or is it normal? Wait: does everybody being weird make everybody normal and if so 

isn't that kind of weird?

The point (if there even is one) is that "normalcy" is merely a point of view. And besides; without weird people to make fun of, we normal people wouldn't have anyone to make us feel better about ourselves. 

Said no good person ever. 

It would be nice to wrap all this bull-hickey up in one fast, tidy, little paragraph but it turns out that trying to sum up an entire culture into 5 minutes of picture peppered reading is harder than Kanye West listening to Kanye West.

I really wanted these "China" posts to be a trinity but it looks like there's no more room in this densely packed wonton so I will have to save the rest of it in the fridge until tomorrow.  I'll be back in a two shakes of Jackie Chan's tail with the moral and slightly offensive conclusion to 

Made in China: The Neverending story.

This is airplanes in China.  I swear to Morgan Freeman.

   

Made in China part deuce

Ni hao reader

If you are still reading this then it means that my long winding drive through the "cultural differences" of China hasn't thrown you off yet. So buckle up (unless you're in China because they clearly don't do that there) because we are about to go off-roading:

It's time to talk about toilets.

Let's see how many poop puns I can squeeze out.

Before China, I had what I thought was a healthy fear of public toilets (fun fact: public fear of toilets is called Lutropublicaphobia). You could say they scared the crap out of me...(shameless). I just naturally assumed that every surface was coated in urine and didn't go anywhere near one unless I happened to be wearing a full bio hazard suit. 






But nothing prepared me for what I had in store while traveling Asia. In my days of toilet naivety, I remember being somewhat like this guy:

Since then I've seen things. Things that can't be unseen.
One could say I've been "soiled".

Want my advice while you're in China? Hold it.
Just hold it man. There is no need to put yourself through the PTSD you will get from this experience:

They really spruced things up with those blue garbage cans

I know what you're thinking and the answer is no. This isn't a screenshot from the movie "Saw".
It's from a bathroom in China. I swear.



Now to be fair, I should state that not all bathrooms look like this. Some are the western style my privileged ass is used to:

 I should've dressed up...

But finding a water closet oasis like this one is a rare treat for the cheeks and the problem is that you never know what kind of bathroom you're going to get. It's like those gift box chocolates with all the different flavours but instead of hoping for truffle or strawberry, you get one filled with.......  
Well maybe I shouldn't finish that sentence.

Some of the bathrooms even cost money to enter. At first, this really pissed me off but then I realized that this is actually a good thing as the paying ones usually have toilet paper and even the luxury of soap (which is more rare in China than my shoe size).

Sadly, I've found it's best not to get used to treats like stalls, toilet paper and soap because soon enough you will find yourself up shit creek with none of the above. Anyone who has ever had travellers sickness knows what I'm talking about. Mix that in with the long bus trips from the islands and suddenly these glorified shit holes seem more appealing than the three sea shells:

Is that where I put my feet?

But still it just doesn't make sense. Why the lack of doors? Are people here so used to being around other people that they get lonely when baking solo bathroom biscuits? Wanna hold hands for support? I mean that solely in a "I'm worried I might fall over while squatting "kind of way.
OR maybe the Chinese bathroom planners just want to be ready in case George Michaels visits?





Or could it be that doors are super expensive to make in China? Maybe they are just trying to open the place up and make it look more spacious and inviting? What other possible reason could there be for publicly shaming everyone while they try to log out in peace?








Oh. Right.



Because Chinese people just don't give a shit.
For them, it ain't no thang. They're just doing their business. Crunching numbers so to speak.
It's just like that classic American novel "Everybody poops".
Now a feature length movie...

Not so good as a pop-up book

While myself, I will probably never fully get past the traumatic experience that is the Chinese bathroom but I do have to commend how the Chinese don't get all backed up about it. They hardly seem to notice. Many hang out, smoke a cigarette and will even talk on the phone or play on the internet while dropping dookie. Perhaps they are on workpoop.com calculating just exactly how much they are earning while they grease the punch bowl.
Yes this is an actual website and no I don't use it.
 Now maybe all this is a bit tooooo comfortable but I still say we in the west should all get over ourselves a bit and strive to be more like those Zen master Chinese poopers.

 Or maybe like this girl.

When you don't want to get caught taking a pic

Or how about this guy in the blue here! He's reading the newspaper.... that is on the ground..... in front of the toilet! Is there any place more filthy on earth?
Don't click on this

Still though....that shit ain't cool.

I'm sorry China; I guess I just expect more. If you really are going to be the country that takes over world then you really need to up your toilet game. I was really hoping for some sort of new age toilets with lasers coming out of their mouths. 

Or something more along the lines of the toilet in this commercial (which begs the question: when did Michael Bay start directing toilet commercials?).

Yes the toilet situation in China is a gamble. It's kind of like Mike Tyson; you never know what you are going to get: Sometimes it's ok, almost pleasant even:

..... and then sometimes you suddenly find you've put your ass in a bad situation and the toilet bites your ear off. It's exactly like that. 

Obviously.

Or.....you're like me and you continually get stuck using Smurf toilets. The worst part of these mini mocking toilets is that they make your dump look disproportionately huge. It's an optical illusion that makes it look like you just shit a mountain. 

I know everything is supposed to be smaller
in Asia but this is just ridiculous

Maybe all this is why some people in China avoid the bathrooms all together and just do it on the street.
Seriously. This actually happens.

For the first week I was there, I found that I was always having to keep one eye on the ground when I was walking because there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of dog shit to dogs.
Then I stepped in the cold hard truth and realized.....that shit ain't from dogs.


Suddenly that black cat crossing your path doesn't seem so bad does it Neo?

Yes, in China if you need to go, wherever you are is a perfectly good spot. This also goes for burping, farting, hocking (is that even a word?) and spitting. Oh and picking your nose. Couldn't forget that one. It's a favourite.

This "the world is your toilet" mentality is taught from a young age where a child's underwear come with a hole in the crotch. That way, they can just piss and shit anywhere.

Hey man can I borrow your bike?!

Seriously. They don't use diapers. They just go baby-commando style which leaves me wondering how the parents don't have crap stains on their shirts?







(It's probably time to clear my internet browsing history after searching for this picture.)

Ok. That's it. I've reached the rim and I'm officially done with all the poo poo humour. I think I hit my limit at crotch-less baby pants. So let's flush the toilet on this post and get back to pretending that none of us ever poop. Ever.

It was someone else I swear.

Time to relax and throw in a good movie. Anyone see this yet?

It's a cuming of age story

Part 3 tomorrow

Made in China

"Hey can you take a picture of me taking this picture?"

So just over a month ago I flew back to Thailand after spending 4 months living in Shanghai and it's taken me about that long to decompress and relearn the social norms I forgot while experiencing the Chinese Dragon.

This is my over dramatized story.

 While living in Shanghai, I (like most expats), found endless things that confused the hell out of me. Things I really wanted to pen you but I couldn't.......because the China firewall totally cock-blocked me bro!
Turns out you aren't allowed to use a blog. Or Facebook. Or YouTube. Or Twitter. Or for anyone born after 1990, all the ways in which you express yourself.  Funny enough, instagram is all good. 

Apparently not even the Chinese internet police can resist taking a good picture.

So for those of you that were wondering if I had choked on my chopsticks; I was merely bound by the great Chinese "no-fun" firewall. At first I had a cyber panic at the thought of 4 months without being able to level up my potato patch on FarmVille. But much like those adorable little Amish, you get used to archaeic ideas like reading words on paper.
Or better yet: ACTUALLY leaving the house to talk with your friends (instead of doing it from your laptop-lit living room while sitting in those underwear that you know it's high time you threw out already). 

Yes it may seem hard to believe but before you know it, 
the Internet becomes "just somebody that you used to know". 

Will you still leave if I paint my face?

So with that, out into Shanghai I went! To explore! To see the sights! To seize the world by the short and curlies!

To sit in traffic....

There is too much wrong with this to start.

Oh...right. The whole too many people thing. 

Waaay better than the mash potato juice

Well no problem, I can just use the time to read right? Or how about listening to some nice relaxing music and who knows; maybe even treat myself to a refreshing corn juice! Delish....


 But oh no bad news! You just spilled that tasty corn juice all over your crotch because your taxi driver is trying to play Whack A Mole with the pedals. 
Yes, the first thing I learned about China is that getting around by car is a see-saw game of sheer terror and boiling frustration. And why is that you ask? Well, maybe you've never heard of this and it might come as a complete shock but it turns out that........

*warning: you are about to experience racism*

                     PEOPLE IN CHINA ARE HORRIFIC DRIVERS!!!

My first chinese car accident

Man...that felt good. That felt so good that I feel like I need to light a cigarette and ask you to leave now. I guess it's just been a while..... I have been waiting 4 months to get that out and in that time, I've come to terms with how racist it is of me to say it. And Im ok with it. 
Because it's completely true. 
That statement (as "off-putting" as it is) is an accurate one and anybody from China will gladly tell you the same. More than 300 people die a day in car accidents in China. It's a national epidemic. Just ask this doctor dude. 

Its just one big clusterfuck of gasoline powered, Tourette's induced honking. Because that's what people do there. Instead of using their mirrors or turn signals, they just honk. Basically every maneuver requires you to honk which means that all you hear is people constantly honking. All day. All night. Everywhere. Forever. 

How to Chinese driving manual

Honking. 
It's a constant fuck you of the ears. Imagine listening to two fax machines having tantric sex. It's kinda like that but not just your normal 3 minute "was that good for you too?" sex but instead "I just drank away my feelings and this is never going to end" sex.
It's about that enjoyable...

Ok....stop thinking about sex and how I think 3 minutes is "normal".
We're talking about honking here. 

The good thing about the honking is that it's a swell well way to get someone's attention while they're on their phone. Because that's probably what they are doing. In China, If you're driving and you want to use your phone, no problem: just drive really slow in between lanes. That way, you have more room to drive badly. Makes sense right? The bonus is that when you're crossing the street as a pedestrian and someone runs you over (a very real possibility), they already have their phone out to call the ambulance. Or better yet; you can call this old guy who throws bricks at bad drivers to get your revenge.

But don't hold your collapsed lung just yet because guess what: your ambulance is stuck in traffic. This is because people don't move out of the way for ambulances. Or anybody for that matter. 

Maybe they should just try honking louder?

Whatever it is, the sirens just don't seem to cut it.... but that probably has something to do with the police who just leave their sirens on ALL OF THE TIME. Even if a police car is parked with no one in it. Those cherries are turning as if to say: "Hey look over here: LIGHTS!"

So that's pretty much how you get around in China, no seatbelt and no worries. I think the actual motto for Chinese driving should be "China: Hurry up and brake."

Myself, I think the whole traffic shit show comes from the Chinese mentality that if someone isn't you, then it doesn't really matter what happens to them. For example:

Holding the door is pointless if you have already walked through said door. You are no longer there so you don't need to hold it anymore right? Genius...

Or better yet: elevators.

In China, when the elevator door opens, instead of letting people get out first, everyone just rushes in, trapping the people trying to get out. Again; they're not you so.....

Maybe this is just what you do when there are too many people. You just say: "Fuck it. Im going already"and this is basically what happens. Everyone just says fuck it. There is no such thing as "waiting in line". Everyone just pushes each other. It's kind of like a mosh pit without the"nobody gets me" music and instead of anger-boner youths, it's old ladies carrying chicken parts.

Yes, getting around in China is a daily rape of your personal space but you just kind of get used to it and besides; it could be worse:

Google: dolphin rape.



Yup. That's a thing you know now and you can't unlearn it. My gift to you.

Good bye last remaining innocence.....

Ya.......Im thinking that maybe I should just go back to not having internet. Might be better for all of us.

On that note, Im going outside to pick up some more Placenta cream.
 Part 2 tomorrow.