A Bachelors Diary Episode 1

Hey friends. I want to tell you a story about that time I ended up on a show called The Bachelorette. It's a pretty weird story and there are many steps that took me to this improbable adventure but let's skip ahead right to the moment the first night began. Cool beans?
Alrighty then. Here goes.


An introduction

The hotel door opens and I head out into the world, and by that I mean the hallway of the Fairmont at the Vancouver airport. After months of knowing this day was coming, the big night is finally here. I'm dressed to the nine's...... but I feel like ones (math: not my strong suit). The problem is, my stomach is fighting some kind of trench warfare that I'm pretty sure it's losing. I feel like I might actually be dying. If this was a movie I'd be Sean Bean's character.

It's funny. Because he dies a lot. He sucks at not dying.

Anyhoo....
As I'm lead down the hallway I remind myself that sick or not, I'm going to carpe diem the hell of of this night and nothing will change my mind. Too much has gone into getting me here and as the kids say on Insta: #postivevibesonly
Once I get to the lobby, I'm introduced to four other guys. All far too good looking, all looking  a bit confused and skittish. Kinda like the way cats look on an airplane.

But this post isn't about cats. For that you would have to watch "The Cat Bachelor."
Yup. That's a real thing, but let's not get sidetracked, alright meow?

The first guy I meet is named Dana, who I immediately rename as Lieutenant Commander Data (in my head of course) as he looks a lot like a robot from a nerd show I wouldn't watch.
Ok....... lezbi honest; I reek of geek and used to love Star Trek The Next Generation.

Don't bring me into this bro

The next bachelor introduces himself as Wale. He has attitude and personality without having to say a word.... but he does anyways. A lot. His mouth opens and it's a while before it closes. Everyone laughs when he does. I make out none of it as at this point I'm still using most of my focus to not die from whatever is trying to crawl its way out of my stomach. I smile so as to divert suspicion that my handshakes are probably giving them all Ebola.

Our next contestant is David and I would've sworn he was the host as he just has that look. He sports a big Colgate smile, has a likeable/nonthreatening face and is rocking a bright blue suit that makes him look like the kind of diabetes candy you bought when you were eight. #baddecisions
He's all personality and already making jokes about how "good looking we all are."
I can tell I'm going to like this guy already.




The last guy I meet is the first guy I noticed. "Hey I'm Kevin" he says, stealing my line. He continues on, saying words I don't listen to because I'm too busy sizing him up. The dude looks like a football player with long hair, a deep beer commercial voice and I can see he's built like He-Man through his suit. He looks like he came out of the womb as a marine or a firefighter or something. I can tell I'm going to hate this guy already.
But actually I don't, he seems pretty cool and relaxed,.....probably because he realizes he's the better of the Kevins.
Dammit. Before our introduction ends, I've already made up my mind that we are going to fight to the death. There can only be one.

I challenge you...... to a thumb war.

And by that I mean he would totally destroy me. But y'know, one can dream.

The limo pulls up so we all pile in and very quickly find the champagne. We look like a bunch of tweens going off to prom. 
INSERT LOSING VIRGINITY JOKE HERE. 
Wale is in full hype mode about the night, other Kevin is chill and taking it all in, David is still jazzed about how "good looking we all are."
As the champagne goes down, we begin getting to know each other and loosening up. Fifteen minutes later we are are all besties with testes....(until the limo door opens and we begin battling over the same girl that is) but that moment hasn't arrived yet. For now, we sit, wait and wonder what will happen next. "I wonder what she's like? Where is she from? Have any of you ever watched the show?" We all seem to have the same questions but not a lot of answers. Then David asks "Hey so what are you going to do when you get out of the limo? Kev? What's your plan?" They all turn and look at me.
Cue awkward penguin Kevin. 

You know that moment when someone asks you a question that you really don't want to answer? Like when your parents ask you why you're still single or your boss asks you about why you need that day off? Ya well for me that's this. I know what I'm going to do when I get out of this limo but I definitely wasn't planning on sharing that with these guys. When amongst the wolves, hold your cards close my friends......OR y'know, put all your cards on the table and tell your competition everything. That works too. "I'm going to play her a song on my ukulele" I admit meekly.
For the first time since getting in this limo, there's silence.
David: "Wow man. That's cool but that's a lot of pressure dude. If I were you I'd be worried about screwing up on national TV." 
How to screw with your competition 101. 
#theartofwar
Then Wale does what Wale does best and breaks the silence. 
"Ok since we are the first limo we are now code name A-Team!" Wale says. We cheers our champagne and then we get the word. It's time.
Other Kevin is first. #thisbetternotbeforeshadowing. We wait. Then Wale next. We Wait. Then David. The wait feels like forever. I begin thinking about my choice to play the uke. Is this a mistake?
Damn you David.
Well played.
You see, anyone who knows me knows I like playing ukulele, and I probably would've brought it out at some point during this adventure anyways but I can't help but worry that playing it right off the bat might come across cheesy.....
But then again, this is the reality TV show about love and anyone who knows me already knows, I am pure cheese anyway. Gouda level cheese in fact, so I figure why not just show her who I am? Who knows, maybe she's a a music lover like me?
"Ok. You're up." the PA says.
So I take out my uke named Luke, open the door and step into a whole new world.


The limo entrance


The door opens and all I see are lights everywhere. To my left there's this beautiful old stone mansion, covered in creeping vines...... and standing beside it, is a girl in a red dress. The soft lights fall on her exposed shoulders, making her glow like a story from our youth and I can already see her big smile. The whole thing feels like I stepped into a dream and my heart begins picking up pace.
Ok here we are Kevin. Don't screw this up. Go. Be good, be honest.
I begin to play my little ukulele and as I walk down the path towards her, part of me wishes this moment wouldn't end .......but I'm quickly running out of time and before I know it, I'm standing there in front of the most beautiful girl. My always overthinking brain begins goes Phelps mode and swims through her every detail. She has deep blue eyes and long, blond tussled hair that falls off her shoulders. She's petite and reminds me of a Tinker Bell.... if Tinker Bell was a laid back surfer chick in an evening gown. There's a dozen other things I notice about her, but more than anything it's her smile, her warm disarming smile that immediately gets me. It melts my attempt at cool and takes me back in it's rawness. It feels honest. It's the kind of smile that men want to be the reason for. I don't even know her and yet I already want to know everything. On the outside though, I'm still playing away.... but no words yet. I should probably use words. Words are good.

To be honest, writing this now, long after it all happened, I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what I said to her in that moment. The intensity kind of sidelined me. I know I said things and did end up using words though. I probably looked at her too much and likely made a joke at my expense to break the tension but I don't know what it was. I do know though, that I played her a song, one that I had written for that very moment. I'm pretty sure that I didn't get it all out right and flubbed the lines (as I often do) but here's how it was written:

I know that I'm probably not supposed to say

What it is I'm thinking but I think I'll say it anyway

I know that I'm probably supposed to play it cool

But oh no, that ain't me, I'm surely gonna act a fool

In love, we act crazy in ways

we're scared to be us and we can't sleep for days

and it's hard to believe

that she'll like me for me

and I don't know just what I should say

In love, we can't help but be weird

we get all caught up in the things that we feared

but it's all that we've got

so let's give it a shot

and know at the end of the day, that

I don't pretend to know

how this all will go

and where tomorrow leads

and how the next page reads

but if you're willing to try

then know that so am I

let's adventure you and me

where we end up watch and see

We're just a bunch of weirdos looking for love

I never intended to finish the song. Instead, I left it unfinished and open as an invitation to her. I hoped that maybe we could write the rest of it together, instead of one stranger singing it to another. I remember she liked that idea and then we both smiled for what seemed like a long time before I finally went in the mansion.




The Mansion of Men


I walk through the doors, still high on the moment I just left and all I see is bros. Bachelors in suits and the whole thing feels like I walked into the wrong eHarmony meet up..... but it turns out we all have lots to talk about. Each of us started down this crazy adventure alone, forbidden to tell anything to our friends and coworkers so we begin bonding over the experience together. There's so much to talk about but more than anything, we talk about the girl. Up until this point, none of us had even seen her, let alone known anything about her so we begin to share stories..... and drinks. There's a lot of those as everyone begins pouring down liquid courage and it's around this time that my adrenaline from the previous moment wears off and I remember something very important: I'm sick. Very sick. Stand by me kind of sick and before I know it I realize I'm about to throw up on national television.

This can't be happening. Not now. Please no. Where in the hell is the bathroom?!! I think to myself. I bail on the bromance, plough through the doors and barrel into a stall. In one heave everything inside is very quickly out with my head deep in the ivory bowl. I hear myself make an ungodly noise as I jettison everything that was in my stomach. It's then that I realize that there's other guys in this bathroom and they can hear everything. 

As embarrassed as I am, I don't have time for it because at this point I'm just trying to not die. My stomach is breakdance fighting the rest of my body and it's a serious swing in mood from the moment earlier. I realize that everyone will soon know that I am in meltdown mode and there's no hiding it anymore. I've always had this weird thing with letting people know when I'm sick; I hate it and this situation only makes that worse. Once my stomach eases a bit, I do what I can to clean myself up but truth be told, I look pretty rough. I look like the departing terminal at Vegas....... and if you've done Vegas then you know exactly what I mean. But it doesn't matter. I suck it up. I have to.

Definitely done Vegas

So I go back out to try and make small talk with the bros and from here on out the night is a bachelor blur. At one point I see a guy named Eddy doing bar flair and everyone taking shots. Then there's a cowboy who looks like he's corralled more than a couple for himself. Then there is a giant of a man who seems to really love cats. One thing I definitely remember is a guy coming in wearing an apron...... and nothing else. 
Not sure what you're serving...... but unless it's Gravol I'm gonna pass.



And then, funny enough, I see blue suit David from our "A-Team" and what is he doing? Playing guitar with a three piece band for our polygamist princess of course. 
Gee. Sure hope he doesn't screw up. #theartofwar #topthat

It all seems like I'm having one of those dreams where nothing makes sense and just when I begin to wonder if I'm hallucinating, I see a guy sitting across from me that looks a lot like......me. He catches me weirdly looking at him and gives me a look back, so I have to speak. "Do you look like me?" I say awkwardly. He immediately laughs and says "Yes! I was just thinking that you look like me too!" in a thick French Canadian accent. My friendship with Benoit is instant. His accent reminds me of my days in Montreal and he has a laugh that makes you want to do the same.

Here's a photo of Benoit laughing;)

As the night goes on, guy after guy takes his turn interrupting the previous guy's one on one with Jasmine to try and squeak in some face time. I realize that the night is getting down to the wire so I need to make a move if I want to see her again. I have to put this sickness aside and find out more about this mystery girl. I wiggle my way into the pecking order and before long Jasmine and I are sitting outside talking by the fire. It's a beautiful evening night but she must be cold in her strapless dress I think to myself. Then I realize my fever and chills have me shivering like a Chihuahua with a habit, so we wrap ourselves in blankets and keep warm by the fire while we talk about life and travelling. I notice a tattoo she has that says explore which catches my eye and I want to know more about it. She tells me she got it in Bali, a place I've also traveled to and loved. 
And then she says she got it free at a taco shop on Taco Tuesday.....


Cue Kevin P's way too honest reaction:

Did I seriously just hear she got a free tattoo .....at a taco shack..... because it was Taco Tuesday? Ok, clearly I must be high out of my mind with fever. That must be it. Let's just on....
We continue talking and I find myself surprised at how chill and comfortable she is. She's relaxed, easy to talk to and as it draws me in, I begin to forget how lousy I was feeling before. We are barely into a conversation before there's another bachelor there to take her away. It's over that quickly but the conversation is just enough to make me want to talk more. As soon as she's gone my stomach sends me a break up text of those dreaded words: WE NEED TO TALK so I Usain Bolt to the bathroom for another seven minute ab workout. With my head deep in the petri dish/bowl, I make a mental note: if I do end up making it through this night, we had better go somewhere warm with a beach next episode so I can show off all this hard work. 

The Rose Ceremony

Ok so I'm going to level with you on something: I've never once watched the Bachelor or the Bachelorette before. Not really my thang but I do know about the rose ceremony. I get the idea: girl likes guy=guy gets rose. Seems pretty quick and easy right? 

NOPE. The whole thing takes a hella looooong time. 
Like that friend that won't stop talking about their burning man experience kind of long.
LOOOOOOOONG.
I'm lined up in the shooting gallery with 19 other would be bachelors and the whole thing seems like I'm in a slow motion movie of someone else's life. Standing there on wobbly legs that feel like day old udon noodles, my head is throbbing, my eyes are bloodshot and my stomach is finally giving me the silent treatment after a night of scream fighting. My body is done and I'm just over it......yet there she is holding a rose .....and here I am hoping she gives me one. How does she still look so amazing? I think back on the night and remember that first moment playing ukulele for her. I wonder if she liked it? I wonder about how sick I looked to her? Then I start wondering if I am even her type? Things you don't often hear a girl say: "I like the sick-looking one." "


Not exactly a selling point.

Everything with Jasmine was so brief that I really don't know where I stand with her. Was there a connection? Did it seem like she liked me? I was so concentrated on not puking on her that I can't really remember if she seemed interested.

Hmmm.....If I ever have to write that sentence again; I'm going to have to make some serious life changes.
#pukelele
So as usual, my mind is balls deep in thought when suddenly I hear her say the name I've been waiting to hear all night: "Kevin..........................W."
Oh. Right. That guy. Ugh. I make a mental note that I still have to rock paper scissors KW to the death.......that is, if I even make it through this rose/plank walking ceremony.
More names are called, we wait. Doubt begins to creep in as I watch the rose pile get smaller and smaller. I can feel the sweat drip down my forehead. I can't tell if it's fever sweat or nervous sweat but either way I'm so sick that it probably looks like I'm sweating formaldehyde. 
Why does this whole thing make me so nervous? I ask myself. Then my brain answers with a high school flashback of picking teams in gym class... something that never really went well for me. Somewhere up in between my ears, a repressed memory of me getting my headgear caught in the volleyball net shakes loose. 



Still not ready to talk about that yet.....



Another name called. Only two roses left now. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's all this whole thing was meant to be and I'm going home? Maybe me getting sick had some deeper higher purpose and was the universe's way of teaching me some complicated yet to be seen lesson. I start to wonder about if I would be ok going home tonight. Would this be enough? Could I accept that?

Deep thoughts are had....

In life I tend to think give it your best and the world will decide what is meant to be...... but still, going home tonight would just feel wrong. I can't accept that. Not after everything I've gone through to get here. Not after...

"Kevin P."

.........Oh wait. She said Kevin P! The P means me!!! I leave my thoughts and walk my wobbly legs towards her.



"Will you accept this rose?" she says smiling warmly.
My head gear free smile answers the question before I can say the words......but I say them anyways. "Absolutely." She pins the rose on my lapel.




Well, it looks like I'm going to get to see that smile more often.

Now that I ABSOLUTELY accept.

Now if you'll excuse me................... I'm going to go sleep for a week.

See you soon my friends.