A Bachelor's Diary Episode 2: Why I'm not married to marriage

Watching this week's episode of The Bachelorette Canada brought back a lot of good memories from my time in Jamaica and there's so much we could talk about from that first week. From experiencing Jamaica's culture and meeting it's warm people to getting the chance to record a song at Bob Marley's recording studio (still can't believe that happened). More than anything though, I want to talk about a conversation I had with Jasmine while on our group date. It wasn't very long before that conversation was interrupted but in the brief time we had, I was able to ask her some deeper questions about what she was looking for by being on the show. During our conversation, the topic of marriage came up and it being a strong theme on the Bachelorette, I wanted to hear her words on wedlock.

I wanted to know if getting married was a make or break issue. Could she handle a love that didn't lead to marriage? To my surprise she said yes. This part of our conversation unfortunately didn't make it on to TV (Thomas's sexual tongue swallowed a lot of air time) but for me it was very important to hear her say that as it revealed a lot about her intentions. Then, when she asked me if I was looking to get married we were interrupted by a 10 foot tall giant who smelled of cats and had PURRfectly CATastrophic timing. I wasn't able to answer as she was whisked away and I was left to go and hang in losers litter box with Seth and Chris.
#catpuns
Good times had.

So seeing how I didn't get to talk to Jasmine about my views on marriage, I'm going to use this week's post to tell everyone else instead. #nobodyputskevin'sthoughtsonmarriageinacorner.
Meow, most would assume that anybody doing a show like The Bachelorette would be ready to run down the aisle towards happily ever after right? Well, that's not exactly me. ....

Sometimes I BRAP.

Working at sea I tie a lot of knots but there's one knot I'm not necessarily tied to tying....(pun game on point). 
To me there's a big difference between people who are looking to find their other half.... and people who are looking to find a husband.

Myself I'm looking to find love and while I would definitely be open to it if my imaginary girlfriend (you should meet her she's really great) and I both chose to go down that path, I am pretty hesitant to marriage as THE stock and standard, go-to life option after years of having it thrown in my face like wedding confetti.

So, in an effort to speak my objections now instead of forever holding my peace, this post is going to deconstruct my reservations on marriage..... and I know what you might be thinking: Why on Earth would someone go on a show like the Bachelorette and then write a big long post ripping apart the institution of marriage when marriage serves as one of the bedrock themes of the show? Well, because I'm annoyingly honesty in my opinions I guess. Turns out honesty is very important to me. Who knew?

HOLYMOLYMATRIMONY!!!

I guess part of why I say this is because it's very easy to be glamourized on a TV show and let people fill in the blanks as to who I am (something Jasmine herself mentioned she did with Seth) but I would rather people know me for who I am than like me for someone I'm not. So with all that said, here's some thoughts on why I'm not married to getting married.

              7 reasons why I'm not married to marriage

She's behind me again isn't she?

1. The Application Form For Happiness
We humans can be pretty cool....but sometimes we let our fears make our our biggest decisions instead of making them for ourselves. The fear of making mistakes and straying from the pack can all too often lead us to follow the well walked path instead of forging our own. This natural tendency can lead us to not take chances, not trust ourselves and instead look to others to tell us what to do. We have this weird fetish with submitting to other peoples ideals and expectations of us as it temporarily takes the burden off us to be the writer in the story of our lives.
The likely truth behind this is that the thought that we are in charge of our destiny can actually be overwhelming. So, in the face of that, we fall in line and do as what's expected of us instead of listening to what's in our hearts. This is how people end up finding themselves unhappy halfway through their lives after doing "all the right things." They go down the check list of someone ele's preconceived ideas of what a happy life is supposed to be. Other people are getting married? Seems like a good plan. I'll do that. Marriage has become the customary move for so-called "well adjusted" people and while marriage can definitely be a beautiful adventure, if it's not one that you arrived at of your own volition, you might be fooling yourself into a prepackaged, white picket fenced in life.

2. Validation Valentine 

For some, a wedding ring is just a simple reminder of a commitment to each other but to others...........it seems to serve more as shiny validation. Ever seen someone flash around a ring as if to say "Look at how much I'm worth!"? 

Too bad it's not that ring that would make her disappear #LOTR

Of course this isn't the case with for most but for more than a few that little ring plays big into how they measure their worth. The bigger the rock, the more they feel valued and to that I say..... I don't.
Too often, how we view ourselves is tied up in how we think others view us..... 

Tomorrow's currency

and the flip side of that is so much of how others view us comes from how we view ourselves. We all want love but sometimes instead of looking inward and starting there, we search outwards in hopes that someone will let us know that we are worthy of it. While this is understandable, at it's core it serves as a broken foundation that often leads to problems down the road. I'm convinced that the strongest love is made inside you and then given as a gift to those you love......and if that gift isn't shiny enough for them then I guess they're too dull for it anyways.

3. Princess for a day 

There is a weird phenomenon around weddings that I like to call "Princess for a day." There is no doubt that there is a huge amount of societal pressure on women to marry and most men can't pretend to know how that feels......

I said "most"

....but sometimes, people are more focused on the idea of getting to play dress up in front of all their friends and family than they are in building a healthy relationship with their partner. Let's just say that their intentions are far from maid of honour.

I really shouldn't be allowed to write these things.

Anyhoo.... some wedding-wanting-would-be's are so quick to Say Yes To The Dress that they don't think twice about who's in the suit standing beside them. Cut to 2 years later and they might find themselves back at their local government building filling out a whole new set of forms.
To save you both time and money (not to mention everyone who came and bought you wedding gifts), it might be worth asking yourself some simple questions. So here's a simple list:

Things you should ask yourself before getting married, in order of importance.

Question 1: Will the person standing up there with me be a good life partner, support me and help me be the best version of me that I can be?

Question.....whatever number comes after infinity: Will he look Prince Charming enough up on the altar?

That's the order for future reference yo and if you can't figure that out.....

Maybe don't have kids until you do.

Me pretending to be Prince Charming.

Me being me.

4. The Debt Bet

Nothing says "I love you" like spending too much money on your perfect day..... and then being busted broke while you pay it off for the rest of your lives. Ever wonder who came up with the idea that a wedding should put you into seriously devoted debt? Or that she HAS to get a shiny ring worth 3 months salary? (cough cough DE BEERS cough). I know Beyonce can throw down a good hook about putting a ring on it that will make all the Single Ladies dive down the isle but I'm willing to bet she's got a couple more bucks to throw around then most newly weds.
Truth is you shouldn't have to finance your fiancée for forever. How does spending 100K on a one day party show anything about who you're going to be for each other for the rest of your lives? You know Becky, I had my doubts about those two but the moment I saw those adorable handmade table centrepieces at the reception I just KNEW they were meant to be! 
Said no one ever.
When did we go from an intimate celebration of our love with family and friends to break the bank for absolute party perfection? What's the minimum monthly payment on love? I don't know but I'm willing to bet your credit card does.

5. Praying for permission

Religion can be a touchy subject (I'm not even going to touch that joke) so I'm going to try and tread carefully here so as to not to alienate any more people than I surely already have with this sacrilegious post. The tradition of marriage is deeply rooted in religion......and I'm about as religious as Captain Crunch is nautical. 

Ahoy mates let's raise the masts on your glycemic index and set sail to Type 2 diabetes!

Truth be told? I think the last church I stepped in was a Church's Chicken (save the judging for man upstairs) but I completely respect others right to believe in whatever they want to believe in. You want to believe in Buddha, Jesus or the Greek Gods; well, giver. You do you bro. Myself, I've tried calling God before and he has yet to return my calls (All powerful but doesn't have voicemail? Interesting). All that said, religions role in marriage is to me, just another example that this is someone else's idea of how things should be and not one I came to on my own. Pen your own life story and write your own religion dare I say! The only person who I"m asking for permission from if I get married is going to be her Dad and if I'm wrong well then I'll hear about it in the after life....

Speaking of....

6. Dying Not To Die Alone

Bad news: Turns out there's a finish line at the end of the human race. *!!Spoiler alert!!* and while none of us are exactly running towards getting in that casket, some people sure seem to be running to walk down that isle.

Eat it Becky!

Now the whole "till death do you part" thing is pretty intense, especially now that we've kicked kicking the bucket, down the road and into our nineties (one can hope). Back in the day when people only lived for like, 30 years, it wasn't such a big deal but these days you had better be hella sure that Becky is for shiz "the one" because you might be changing each others diapers while swigging back Ensure fifty years from now.

Knew it.

The truth is, we're scared of death and we're scared to go through it alone so the idea of not having to be alone at the end of your life is understandably comforting for that final curtain call scene. While I completely relate to wanting love to last until your last days, it's my personal belief that whether or not you're surrounded by loved ones on your death bed, you're still ultimately taking that next step by yourself. So no matter who you spend your life with, make sure to built yourself into someone you like being around not only for them but for you too because that's who's going to be coming with you.

7. Sign Here for bliss. The word "contract" isn't exactly synonymous with the word "trust" and that's a rather big theme for me when it comes to what I'm looking for in a relationship. Who came up with the idea that you need a written contract for love? Seriously?! Do we really need a piece of paper to tell us to be faithful? To be good to each other?! Contracts are like saying" Hey, I don't trust you so.....sign here and I'll have my lawyer look into it." Like Kanye singing about prenups, this could use some tuning.

I don't have trust issues, I just know better she said

In my life I've usually found that if it needs a contract, it means that sooner or later I'm going to get screwed......which is good news if you've been waiting until marriage but bad news if you don't like getting screwed by lawyers. When it comes to contracts, I'm usually more of a pay as you go kind of guy anyways.

So that's it. That's my list of reservations on marriage and after patiently sitting through it like a catholic wedding ceremony you would surely be thinking that I'm against marriage........ but actually that wouldn't be right. In fact, it would be more wrong than telling people they shouldn't have the right to get married. I'm looking at you Chuck Norris. Truth be told, I'm really not against marriage at all. I just think we need to be cognizant of how we are being influenced into making the decision on whether to tie the knot....or not. I happen to think love is a wonderful thing. I think that two people committing to live their lives together and wanting to celebrate that is beautiful.
Insert photos from personal life showing the journey of love:

Oh what's that? All I have is set pics because I'm forever single?
Well that's awkward

 #myimaginarygirlfriendtakesbadpictures


So before I let you go, I'll just say this:
This whole gift of life is so much better when shared. All we have is each other and I think any love we get is a good thing. If you find yourself in love and want to celebrate that love by getting married? Then go for it. Swipe right and say I do. And if you don't, well that's perfectly ok too. Both are valid, both are worthy. Whatever you choose, I just hope you take the time to come to that decision together instead of starting at some preconceived notion and working your way backwards.
Sending love your way my friends.
See you next week.
K

A Bachelors Diary Episode 1

Hey friends. I want to tell you a story about that time I ended up on a show called The Bachelorette. It's a pretty weird story and there are many steps that took me to this improbable adventure but let's skip ahead right to the moment the first night began. Cool beans?
Alrighty then. Here goes.


An introduction

The hotel door opens and I head out into the world, and by that I mean the hallway of the Fairmont at the Vancouver airport. After months of knowing this day was coming, the big night is finally here. I'm dressed to the nine's...... but I feel like ones (math: not my strong suit). The problem is, my stomach is fighting some kind of trench warfare that I'm pretty sure it's losing. I feel like I might actually be dying. If this was a movie I'd be Sean Bean's character.

It's funny. Because he dies a lot. He sucks at not dying.

Anyhoo....
As I'm lead down the hallway I remind myself that sick or not, I'm going to carpe diem the hell of of this night and nothing will change my mind. Too much has gone into getting me here and as the kids say on Insta: #postivevibesonly
Once I get to the lobby, I'm introduced to four other guys. All far too good looking, all looking  a bit confused and skittish. Kinda like the way cats look on an airplane.

But this post isn't about cats. For that you would have to watch "The Cat Bachelor."
Yup. That's a real thing, but let's not get sidetracked, alright meow?

The first guy I meet is named Dana, who I immediately rename as Lieutenant Commander Data (in my head of course) as he looks a lot like a robot from a nerd show I wouldn't watch.
Ok....... lezbi honest; I reek of geek and used to love Star Trek The Next Generation.

Don't bring me into this bro

The next bachelor introduces himself as Wale. He has attitude and personality without having to say a word.... but he does anyways. A lot. His mouth opens and it's a while before it closes. Everyone laughs when he does. I make out none of it as at this point I'm still using most of my focus to not die from whatever is trying to crawl its way out of my stomach. I smile so as to divert suspicion that my handshakes are probably giving them all Ebola.

Our next contestant is David and I would've sworn he was the host as he just has that look. He sports a big Colgate smile, has a likeable/nonthreatening face and is rocking a bright blue suit that makes him look like the kind of diabetes candy you bought when you were eight. #baddecisions
He's all personality and already making jokes about how "good looking we all are."
I can tell I'm going to like this guy already.




The last guy I meet is the first guy I noticed. "Hey I'm Kevin" he says, stealing my line. He continues on, saying words I don't listen to because I'm too busy sizing him up. The dude looks like a football player with long hair, a deep beer commercial voice and I can see he's built like He-Man through his suit. He looks like he came out of the womb as a marine or a firefighter or something. I can tell I'm going to hate this guy already.
But actually I don't, he seems pretty cool and relaxed,.....probably because he realizes he's the better of the Kevins.
Dammit. Before our introduction ends, I've already made up my mind that we are going to fight to the death. There can only be one.

I challenge you...... to a thumb war.

And by that I mean he would totally destroy me. But y'know, one can dream.

The limo pulls up so we all pile in and very quickly find the champagne. We look like a bunch of tweens going off to prom. 
INSERT LOSING VIRGINITY JOKE HERE. 
Wale is in full hype mode about the night, other Kevin is chill and taking it all in, David is still jazzed about how "good looking we all are."
As the champagne goes down, we begin getting to know each other and loosening up. Fifteen minutes later we are are all besties with testes....(until the limo door opens and we begin battling over the same girl that is) but that moment hasn't arrived yet. For now, we sit, wait and wonder what will happen next. "I wonder what she's like? Where is she from? Have any of you ever watched the show?" We all seem to have the same questions but not a lot of answers. Then David asks "Hey so what are you going to do when you get out of the limo? Kev? What's your plan?" They all turn and look at me.
Cue awkward penguin Kevin. 

You know that moment when someone asks you a question that you really don't want to answer? Like when your parents ask you why you're still single or your boss asks you about why you need that day off? Ya well for me that's this. I know what I'm going to do when I get out of this limo but I definitely wasn't planning on sharing that with these guys. When amongst the wolves, hold your cards close my friends......OR y'know, put all your cards on the table and tell your competition everything. That works too. "I'm going to play her a song on my ukulele" I admit meekly.
For the first time since getting in this limo, there's silence.
David: "Wow man. That's cool but that's a lot of pressure dude. If I were you I'd be worried about screwing up on national TV." 
How to screw with your competition 101. 
#theartofwar
Then Wale does what Wale does best and breaks the silence. 
"Ok since we are the first limo we are now code name A-Team!" Wale says. We cheers our champagne and then we get the word. It's time.
Other Kevin is first. #thisbetternotbeforeshadowing. We wait. Then Wale next. We Wait. Then David. The wait feels like forever. I begin thinking about my choice to play the uke. Is this a mistake?
Damn you David.
Well played.
You see, anyone who knows me knows I like playing ukulele, and I probably would've brought it out at some point during this adventure anyways but I can't help but worry that playing it right off the bat might come across cheesy.....
But then again, this is the reality TV show about love and anyone who knows me already knows, I am pure cheese anyway. Gouda level cheese in fact, so I figure why not just show her who I am? Who knows, maybe she's a a music lover like me?
"Ok. You're up." the PA says.
So I take out my uke named Luke, open the door and step into a whole new world.


The limo entrance


The door opens and all I see are lights everywhere. To my left there's this beautiful old stone mansion, covered in creeping vines...... and standing beside it, is a girl in a red dress. The soft lights fall on her exposed shoulders, making her glow like a story from our youth and I can already see her big smile. The whole thing feels like I stepped into a dream and my heart begins picking up pace.
Ok here we are Kevin. Don't screw this up. Go. Be good, be honest.
I begin to play my little ukulele and as I walk down the path towards her, part of me wishes this moment wouldn't end .......but I'm quickly running out of time and before I know it, I'm standing there in front of the most beautiful girl. My always overthinking brain begins goes Phelps mode and swims through her every detail. She has deep blue eyes and long, blond tussled hair that falls off her shoulders. She's petite and reminds me of a Tinker Bell.... if Tinker Bell was a laid back surfer chick in an evening gown. There's a dozen other things I notice about her, but more than anything it's her smile, her warm disarming smile that immediately gets me. It melts my attempt at cool and takes me back in it's rawness. It feels honest. It's the kind of smile that men want to be the reason for. I don't even know her and yet I already want to know everything. On the outside though, I'm still playing away.... but no words yet. I should probably use words. Words are good.

To be honest, writing this now, long after it all happened, I'd be lying if I said I knew exactly what I said to her in that moment. The intensity kind of sidelined me. I know I said things and did end up using words though. I probably looked at her too much and likely made a joke at my expense to break the tension but I don't know what it was. I do know though, that I played her a song, one that I had written for that very moment. I'm pretty sure that I didn't get it all out right and flubbed the lines (as I often do) but here's how it was written:

I know that I'm probably not supposed to say

What it is I'm thinking but I think I'll say it anyway

I know that I'm probably supposed to play it cool

But oh no, that ain't me, I'm surely gonna act a fool

In love, we act crazy in ways

we're scared to be us and we can't sleep for days

and it's hard to believe

that she'll like me for me

and I don't know just what I should say

In love, we can't help but be weird

we get all caught up in the things that we feared

but it's all that we've got

so let's give it a shot

and know at the end of the day, that

I don't pretend to know

how this all will go

and where tomorrow leads

and how the next page reads

but if you're willing to try

then know that so am I

let's adventure you and me

where we end up watch and see

We're just a bunch of weirdos looking for love

I never intended to finish the song. Instead, I left it unfinished and open as an invitation to her. I hoped that maybe we could write the rest of it together, instead of one stranger singing it to another. I remember she liked that idea and then we both smiled for what seemed like a long time before I finally went in the mansion.




The Mansion of Men


I walk through the doors, still high on the moment I just left and all I see is bros. Bachelors in suits and the whole thing feels like I walked into the wrong eHarmony meet up..... but it turns out we all have lots to talk about. Each of us started down this crazy adventure alone, forbidden to tell anything to our friends and coworkers so we begin bonding over the experience together. There's so much to talk about but more than anything, we talk about the girl. Up until this point, none of us had even seen her, let alone known anything about her so we begin to share stories..... and drinks. There's a lot of those as everyone begins pouring down liquid courage and it's around this time that my adrenaline from the previous moment wears off and I remember something very important: I'm sick. Very sick. Stand by me kind of sick and before I know it I realize I'm about to throw up on national television.

This can't be happening. Not now. Please no. Where in the hell is the bathroom?!! I think to myself. I bail on the bromance, plough through the doors and barrel into a stall. In one heave everything inside is very quickly out with my head deep in the ivory bowl. I hear myself make an ungodly noise as I jettison everything that was in my stomach. It's then that I realize that there's other guys in this bathroom and they can hear everything. 

As embarrassed as I am, I don't have time for it because at this point I'm just trying to not die. My stomach is breakdance fighting the rest of my body and it's a serious swing in mood from the moment earlier. I realize that everyone will soon know that I am in meltdown mode and there's no hiding it anymore. I've always had this weird thing with letting people know when I'm sick; I hate it and this situation only makes that worse. Once my stomach eases a bit, I do what I can to clean myself up but truth be told, I look pretty rough. I look like the departing terminal at Vegas....... and if you've done Vegas then you know exactly what I mean. But it doesn't matter. I suck it up. I have to.

Definitely done Vegas

So I go back out to try and make small talk with the bros and from here on out the night is a bachelor blur. At one point I see a guy named Eddy doing bar flair and everyone taking shots. Then there's a cowboy who looks like he's corralled more than a couple for himself. Then there is a giant of a man who seems to really love cats. One thing I definitely remember is a guy coming in wearing an apron...... and nothing else. 
Not sure what you're serving...... but unless it's Gravol I'm gonna pass.



And then, funny enough, I see blue suit David from our "A-Team" and what is he doing? Playing guitar with a three piece band for our polygamist princess of course. 
Gee. Sure hope he doesn't screw up. #theartofwar #topthat

It all seems like I'm having one of those dreams where nothing makes sense and just when I begin to wonder if I'm hallucinating, I see a guy sitting across from me that looks a lot like......me. He catches me weirdly looking at him and gives me a look back, so I have to speak. "Do you look like me?" I say awkwardly. He immediately laughs and says "Yes! I was just thinking that you look like me too!" in a thick French Canadian accent. My friendship with Benoit is instant. His accent reminds me of my days in Montreal and he has a laugh that makes you want to do the same.

Here's a photo of Benoit laughing;)

As the night goes on, guy after guy takes his turn interrupting the previous guy's one on one with Jasmine to try and squeak in some face time. I realize that the night is getting down to the wire so I need to make a move if I want to see her again. I have to put this sickness aside and find out more about this mystery girl. I wiggle my way into the pecking order and before long Jasmine and I are sitting outside talking by the fire. It's a beautiful evening night but she must be cold in her strapless dress I think to myself. Then I realize my fever and chills have me shivering like a Chihuahua with a habit, so we wrap ourselves in blankets and keep warm by the fire while we talk about life and travelling. I notice a tattoo she has that says explore which catches my eye and I want to know more about it. She tells me she got it in Bali, a place I've also traveled to and loved. 
And then she says she got it free at a taco shop on Taco Tuesday.....


Cue Kevin P's way too honest reaction:

Did I seriously just hear she got a free tattoo .....at a taco shack..... because it was Taco Tuesday? Ok, clearly I must be high out of my mind with fever. That must be it. Let's just on....
We continue talking and I find myself surprised at how chill and comfortable she is. She's relaxed, easy to talk to and as it draws me in, I begin to forget how lousy I was feeling before. We are barely into a conversation before there's another bachelor there to take her away. It's over that quickly but the conversation is just enough to make me want to talk more. As soon as she's gone my stomach sends me a break up text of those dreaded words: WE NEED TO TALK so I Usain Bolt to the bathroom for another seven minute ab workout. With my head deep in the petri dish/bowl, I make a mental note: if I do end up making it through this night, we had better go somewhere warm with a beach next episode so I can show off all this hard work. 

The Rose Ceremony

Ok so I'm going to level with you on something: I've never once watched the Bachelor or the Bachelorette before. Not really my thang but I do know about the rose ceremony. I get the idea: girl likes guy=guy gets rose. Seems pretty quick and easy right? 

NOPE. The whole thing takes a hella looooong time. 
Like that friend that won't stop talking about their burning man experience kind of long.
LOOOOOOOONG.
I'm lined up in the shooting gallery with 19 other would be bachelors and the whole thing seems like I'm in a slow motion movie of someone else's life. Standing there on wobbly legs that feel like day old udon noodles, my head is throbbing, my eyes are bloodshot and my stomach is finally giving me the silent treatment after a night of scream fighting. My body is done and I'm just over it......yet there she is holding a rose .....and here I am hoping she gives me one. How does she still look so amazing? I think back on the night and remember that first moment playing ukulele for her. I wonder if she liked it? I wonder about how sick I looked to her? Then I start wondering if I am even her type? Things you don't often hear a girl say: "I like the sick-looking one." "


Not exactly a selling point.

Everything with Jasmine was so brief that I really don't know where I stand with her. Was there a connection? Did it seem like she liked me? I was so concentrated on not puking on her that I can't really remember if she seemed interested.

Hmmm.....If I ever have to write that sentence again; I'm going to have to make some serious life changes.
#pukelele
So as usual, my mind is balls deep in thought when suddenly I hear her say the name I've been waiting to hear all night: "Kevin..........................W."
Oh. Right. That guy. Ugh. I make a mental note that I still have to rock paper scissors KW to the death.......that is, if I even make it through this rose/plank walking ceremony.
More names are called, we wait. Doubt begins to creep in as I watch the rose pile get smaller and smaller. I can feel the sweat drip down my forehead. I can't tell if it's fever sweat or nervous sweat but either way I'm so sick that it probably looks like I'm sweating formaldehyde. 
Why does this whole thing make me so nervous? I ask myself. Then my brain answers with a high school flashback of picking teams in gym class... something that never really went well for me. Somewhere up in between my ears, a repressed memory of me getting my headgear caught in the volleyball net shakes loose. 



Still not ready to talk about that yet.....



Another name called. Only two roses left now. Maybe that's it? Maybe that's all this whole thing was meant to be and I'm going home? Maybe me getting sick had some deeper higher purpose and was the universe's way of teaching me some complicated yet to be seen lesson. I start to wonder about if I would be ok going home tonight. Would this be enough? Could I accept that?

Deep thoughts are had....

In life I tend to think give it your best and the world will decide what is meant to be...... but still, going home tonight would just feel wrong. I can't accept that. Not after everything I've gone through to get here. Not after...

"Kevin P."

.........Oh wait. She said Kevin P! The P means me!!! I leave my thoughts and walk my wobbly legs towards her.



"Will you accept this rose?" she says smiling warmly.
My head gear free smile answers the question before I can say the words......but I say them anyways. "Absolutely." She pins the rose on my lapel.




Well, it looks like I'm going to get to see that smile more often.

Now that I ABSOLUTELY accept.

Now if you'll excuse me................... I'm going to go sleep for a week.

See you soon my friends.