So like, what do you do?

When someone asks me what I do for a living I tend to panic. I never really know how to answer it without sounding like a douche bag. The problem is that I work as an actor and there really isn't any way to say it without entering the marathon of suck that is talking about it.

You see, when someone says “Im an actor” the average person thinks one of two things:

1. No your not. You're a douche bag and you are just trying to sound like you don't work at Applebee's. Which you do.
   
   
   
   
   OR
   
   
   
   
2. Really?!! WOW! What movies have you been in? Do you know any famous people? What's Brad Pitt like?!!!

Now, its about this time that I immediately regret saying Im an actor, wishing desperately that I could take a mulligan and just say I work at Applebee's. But I can't. Its out there. So now we are going to talk about it.

If you are the guy that thinks Im a douche bag, I have to admit; I don't blame you because saying “Im an actor” does sound douchey. That and I do kind of look like a douche bag (Its ok. I've come to terms with it).

But I don't blame you because I can't tell you how many times I have met some person who was way to excited to tell me “ Oh me? Im an actor!” and immediately my first response is to secretly think the person in front of me has all the credibility of a homemade condom. I do my best to hide my contempt but I have never been good at such things.

I feel like this because so many “actors” just..... aren't. They are in no way actors. They probably did some shitty short film or a play 2 years ago and now feel like they need to get a shirt made.

But in reality they don't have an agent, don't audition, and don't work more than once a year and its these fucktards that love nothing more than to “talk about the craft”. I can just see them at home answering James Lipton's questions into their hairbrush microphones. They are those special little unique snowflakes that make me feel like writing my name is pee and it's because of these non contributing zero's that we get a bad name.....well, that and the fact that damn near every actor you have ever met is a self involved, egomaniacal weirdo craving your validation.

That might help too.

So I understand you immediate mistrust of me. Its fair. At least its not the other classic response of “Do you know Brad Pitt?”

 You need to understand something:

I hate you. Please go away forever. This question is the devil.

I would rather have the worst hangover of my life while working the complaint desk at the bottle depot, than have to answer this question. Again.

Asking me if I know Brad Pitt is kinda like asking someone who is in business what Donald Trump is like in real life.

No. I don't know Brad Pitt. I will never know Brad Pitt and I am completely ok with that. Even if I somehow did know him I would still tell you I don't because you are a boob. You might not realize it but there is a bit more to being an actor than trying to meet famous people.

What its like to be an actor

Now if you don't mind my section just filled up and I forgot to ring in your chicken fries.