Well before we go any further, if you are related to me or hold me in any form of high regard please discontinue reading this and go read an Archie or something.
I hear that Veronica is a real beaut.
Ok, back to the ugly truth. Yes. I admit it. I have looked at pornography.
The horror....
But guess what? So has ever guy EVER (ok well, maybe not Ray Charles.....I wonder if they do porno in audio book?). In fact any guy who has the balls to tell you he hasn't played tickle me Elmo to a skin mag is just a flat out liar.
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| Originally it was going to be called Epilepsy Elmo but Tickle me Elmo tested better and it doesn't froth at the mouth. |
Yet we all still maintain this facade. Why?
Oh right...because anything sex related is the devil.
Gotcha.
It's dirty and wrong which is why we are scared to admit we would all rather be bumping it right now than reading this.
Why is that? Why can't we just talk about it.
When you actually stop and think about it, it's crazy that we aren't having sex like a bunch of maniacs all the time. We are all obviously obsessed with it so what's stopping us?Aside from the fact that we over analyze everything about each other and ourselves to a degree of insanity and that we are becoming a disconnected society of people lit by the glow of laptop, I can see 3 cock-blocking reasons that our mini me's are collecting cob webs:
1. Religion.
Might be time for some of you to break out those Archie comics again...
As usual, religion tells us that we are bad people. That we are sinners and that we will be lit on fire forever if we "indulge" in anything more than praying but Im willing to bet that I wasn't the only person hoping for something a little different when we got to the part about getting down on your knees.
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| I gotta stop eating mexican... |
So many religions teach people from a young age to feel ashamed of their sexual desires and that sex is only for a married man and woman. Except that in REALITY, sometimes people don't want to get married because love isn't always forever and that's ok. Let's be honest:
Romeo and Juliet probably would've been divorced by now..
2. Pregnancy.
That whole thing. Can't we just put something in the water to make us all sterile? Then when you wanna have a kid you just go to the pharmacy and get a free baby pill? Maybe there could be a questionnaire you have to fill out too before you get the pill to make sure you are smart enough to actually raise a kid. I could just see it now:
1. How do you dry your baby off?
A.) a towel or B.) the microwave?
You get the idea...
As for having kids myself, ummm ya Im just gonna go ahead and skip this one. Yes I know its a huge part of being human and yes I will probably miss out on the true meaning of unconditional love but I think we already have enough humans on the planet. Im in no way against it as I think it can be a very brave thing to do. It's just not for me (personally, I think my gene pool could use a little more chlorine). But who knows, maybe one day I'll adopt. I could get used to that idea. I think I would get myself a nice little 17 1/2 year old. Keep him for 6 months and then reintroduce him to the wild. Its fun to try new things but I always seem to get bored around the 6 month mark.
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| In Canada we call them toques |
Ok, back in the dark ages I understand this being something you just have to accept like scurvy or being patient for things but these days how the hell have we not already dealt with this!?! It's not like we aren't capable as a species? We've put people on the moon and invented phones that are more productive than anyone could ever be (side note: am I the only person who feels vastly unworthy of my phone? It has so much potential and yet I only ever seem to use it to instagram sunsets and check Facebook).
Yet despite all of our technological might, we still haven't figured out crotch rot (I believe it's medical term)?! Out of 7 billion minds on earth, the best thing we have come up with is a slim fit rubber boot on the end of my hockey cockey? Really? Weak effort Earth. Red rover red rover. I call something better over.
Wearing a condom is kind of like wearing a tie: I feel uncomfortable in both but I wear one only because I will probably get in trouble if I don't and then will have to have "that talk".
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| The condom is the glass slipper of our generation. |
And by the way, we came up with these glorified Hefty bags 400 fucking years ago!? Anybody who has ever used one of these knows that these professional boner killers take sucking to a new level. Im definitely not advocating not using one but anything, ANYTHING would be better. Maybe some sort of pill? Or how about a Teflon spray? Maybe little miniature cork? Oohhh here's a good one....... HOW ABOUT A FUCKING CURE?! Can't we just reassign all the scientists who are stuck on reinventing the razor to take a whack at this? I don't want to have to learn what comes after quattro...Seriously! Even 50 cent took a stab at it!
So here's a product that is dying to be reinvented and what do they do?
They come up with the great idea of putting expiry dates on them.
Great.
As if there wasn't enough pressure before.....
There is nothing more depressing than realizing you are the proud owner of an expired condom.
Bastards.
Moving on.
When it comes to women, people love to look down on sexually open women calling them "sluts" as if a woman enjoying sex is a bad thing. Bull hickey I say! There is nothing wrong with liking sex. It's part of our biological make up and it's why we were born in the first place. It's in men AND women but as usual, societal norms are 40 years behind the general populace. Its ludacrious that men are "just being studs" when they have casual sex but when women do it they are viewed as dirty skanks. Really?! Is this how far we've come?
Can't we just be open to the idea that we BOTH like sex? It does take two after all (or at least it should).
Women don't need to be convinced that sex is a good idea and yet they have to pretend as if they hadn't even considered it before we came along.
Men like sex. Women like sex. Hey here's an idea:
Let's just do that. It's not as if there are aliens ruling our planet and they are stopping us from enjoying ourselves?! It's just us here and we get to do whatever, whenever we want. All we need to do is not die or kill anyone. That's basically it. Why the fuck aren't we just having an awesome time ALL THE TIME!?!!!? "Hey what do you want to do tonight? Let's build forts and have grown up sleep overs"!
Sounds good to me.
It really doesn't have to be a big thing. Sex is what you make. If you want sex to be an emotionally charged event full of love and passion well then you can find that. You just have to be open about your expectations.
But if you want sex to just be a physical release you can find that too. There are many people out there that want just that. I know a lot of people who view sex much like a back rub and yet they have to go through this whole song and dance of dating, texting and inevitably lying to someone just to mash pissers (worst term ever). This is WHY people lie to each other about sex. We have unrealistic expectations about it. Two people deserve the right to go and have unemotional sex with each other if that is what they want and not feel guilty about it in the morning. It's not for everybody but it's a reality for many. Personally, I don't even agree that prostitution should be illegal. It's no one's business what someone chooses to do with their body. Let's legalize that shit and tax the fuck out of it.
As for myself, I would be lying if I said that sometimes I don't just want to have unattached physical sex. I am after all human. Sometimes I just need to lower the old PSI before I end up in the newspapers.
But to be honest; for me this usually isn't enough. As much as I would like for sex to just be easy, I have this damn thing in me where I usually associate it with feeling for someone. For me, sex is one of the rare personal moments we can have with one another. In good sex, you can't hide from each other. There's a degree of vulnerability. There's no shelter like there is in texting or Facebook or any of the safe, half committal activities we usually have with each other. In good sex, it's just two people right there in the moment enjoying each other's touch and company. For me, I find it's so much better when you actually know and genuinely like each other. Maybe this is why I waited way too long before giving away my "flower".Wow..... I can't believe I just wrote that.
But its true. I used to believe in the idea that sex=love and seeing how I wasn't in love, t thought it to be noble for me to wait. I was like one of those endangered panda who can't seem to fuck to save it's species.
And then I grew up and realized that pie goes bad if you don't eat it.
No one's first time is going to be good let alone perfect and mine definitely fits into that category. There is simply no such thing as perfect. Was my wait worth it? Not at all but at the time I was young and my waiting was indicative of how I felt, which was pretty alone and isolated. I didn't understand the people around me (let alone myself) so I shut a lot of people out. Since then, I have grown a lot and while sometimes I still have my lone wolf days, I have come to understand that in the end all we really have in this life is each other. So we might as well enjoy each others company.
As for what you take out of the term enjoy? Well I guess that just comes down to a matter of perspective.
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| Best photo bomb ever. |
