A Bachelor's Diary Episode 2: Why I'm not married to marriage

Watching this week's episode of The Bachelorette Canada brought back a lot of good memories from my time in Jamaica and there's so much we could talk about from that first week. From experiencing Jamaica's culture and meeting it's warm people to getting the chance to record a song at Bob Marley's recording studio (still can't believe that happened). More than anything though, I want to talk about a conversation I had with Jasmine while on our group date. It wasn't very long before that conversation was interrupted but in the brief time we had, I was able to ask her some deeper questions about what she was looking for by being on the show. During our conversation, the topic of marriage came up and it being a strong theme on the Bachelorette, I wanted to hear her words on wedlock.

I wanted to know if getting married was a make or break issue. Could she handle a love that didn't lead to marriage? To my surprise she said yes. This part of our conversation unfortunately didn't make it on to TV (Thomas's sexual tongue swallowed a lot of air time) but for me it was very important to hear her say that as it revealed a lot about her intentions. Then, when she asked me if I was looking to get married we were interrupted by a 10 foot tall giant who smelled of cats and had PURRfectly CATastrophic timing. I wasn't able to answer as she was whisked away and I was left to go and hang in losers litter box with Seth and Chris.
#catpuns
Good times had.

So seeing how I didn't get to talk to Jasmine about my views on marriage, I'm going to use this week's post to tell everyone else instead. #nobodyputskevin'sthoughtsonmarriageinacorner.
Meow, most would assume that anybody doing a show like The Bachelorette would be ready to run down the aisle towards happily ever after right? Well, that's not exactly me. ....

Sometimes I BRAP.

Working at sea I tie a lot of knots but there's one knot I'm not necessarily tied to tying....(pun game on point). 
To me there's a big difference between people who are looking to find their other half.... and people who are looking to find a husband.

Myself I'm looking to find love and while I would definitely be open to it if my imaginary girlfriend (you should meet her she's really great) and I both chose to go down that path, I am pretty hesitant to marriage as THE stock and standard, go-to life option after years of having it thrown in my face like wedding confetti.

So, in an effort to speak my objections now instead of forever holding my peace, this post is going to deconstruct my reservations on marriage..... and I know what you might be thinking: Why on Earth would someone go on a show like the Bachelorette and then write a big long post ripping apart the institution of marriage when marriage serves as one of the bedrock themes of the show? Well, because I'm annoyingly honesty in my opinions I guess. Turns out honesty is very important to me. Who knew?

HOLYMOLYMATRIMONY!!!

I guess part of why I say this is because it's very easy to be glamourized on a TV show and let people fill in the blanks as to who I am (something Jasmine herself mentioned she did with Seth) but I would rather people know me for who I am than like me for someone I'm not. So with all that said, here's some thoughts on why I'm not married to getting married.

              7 reasons why I'm not married to marriage

She's behind me again isn't she?

1. The Application Form For Happiness
We humans can be pretty cool....but sometimes we let our fears make our our biggest decisions instead of making them for ourselves. The fear of making mistakes and straying from the pack can all too often lead us to follow the well walked path instead of forging our own. This natural tendency can lead us to not take chances, not trust ourselves and instead look to others to tell us what to do. We have this weird fetish with submitting to other peoples ideals and expectations of us as it temporarily takes the burden off us to be the writer in the story of our lives.
The likely truth behind this is that the thought that we are in charge of our destiny can actually be overwhelming. So, in the face of that, we fall in line and do as what's expected of us instead of listening to what's in our hearts. This is how people end up finding themselves unhappy halfway through their lives after doing "all the right things." They go down the check list of someone ele's preconceived ideas of what a happy life is supposed to be. Other people are getting married? Seems like a good plan. I'll do that. Marriage has become the customary move for so-called "well adjusted" people and while marriage can definitely be a beautiful adventure, if it's not one that you arrived at of your own volition, you might be fooling yourself into a prepackaged, white picket fenced in life.

2. Validation Valentine 

For some, a wedding ring is just a simple reminder of a commitment to each other but to others...........it seems to serve more as shiny validation. Ever seen someone flash around a ring as if to say "Look at how much I'm worth!"? 

Too bad it's not that ring that would make her disappear #LOTR

Of course this isn't the case with for most but for more than a few that little ring plays big into how they measure their worth. The bigger the rock, the more they feel valued and to that I say..... I don't.
Too often, how we view ourselves is tied up in how we think others view us..... 

Tomorrow's currency

and the flip side of that is so much of how others view us comes from how we view ourselves. We all want love but sometimes instead of looking inward and starting there, we search outwards in hopes that someone will let us know that we are worthy of it. While this is understandable, at it's core it serves as a broken foundation that often leads to problems down the road. I'm convinced that the strongest love is made inside you and then given as a gift to those you love......and if that gift isn't shiny enough for them then I guess they're too dull for it anyways.

3. Princess for a day 

There is a weird phenomenon around weddings that I like to call "Princess for a day." There is no doubt that there is a huge amount of societal pressure on women to marry and most men can't pretend to know how that feels......

I said "most"

....but sometimes, people are more focused on the idea of getting to play dress up in front of all their friends and family than they are in building a healthy relationship with their partner. Let's just say that their intentions are far from maid of honour.

I really shouldn't be allowed to write these things.

Anyhoo.... some wedding-wanting-would-be's are so quick to Say Yes To The Dress that they don't think twice about who's in the suit standing beside them. Cut to 2 years later and they might find themselves back at their local government building filling out a whole new set of forms.
To save you both time and money (not to mention everyone who came and bought you wedding gifts), it might be worth asking yourself some simple questions. So here's a simple list:

Things you should ask yourself before getting married, in order of importance.

Question 1: Will the person standing up there with me be a good life partner, support me and help me be the best version of me that I can be?

Question.....whatever number comes after infinity: Will he look Prince Charming enough up on the altar?

That's the order for future reference yo and if you can't figure that out.....

Maybe don't have kids until you do.

Me pretending to be Prince Charming.

Me being me.

4. The Debt Bet

Nothing says "I love you" like spending too much money on your perfect day..... and then being busted broke while you pay it off for the rest of your lives. Ever wonder who came up with the idea that a wedding should put you into seriously devoted debt? Or that she HAS to get a shiny ring worth 3 months salary? (cough cough DE BEERS cough). I know Beyonce can throw down a good hook about putting a ring on it that will make all the Single Ladies dive down the isle but I'm willing to bet she's got a couple more bucks to throw around then most newly weds.
Truth is you shouldn't have to finance your fiancée for forever. How does spending 100K on a one day party show anything about who you're going to be for each other for the rest of your lives? You know Becky, I had my doubts about those two but the moment I saw those adorable handmade table centrepieces at the reception I just KNEW they were meant to be! 
Said no one ever.
When did we go from an intimate celebration of our love with family and friends to break the bank for absolute party perfection? What's the minimum monthly payment on love? I don't know but I'm willing to bet your credit card does.

5. Praying for permission

Religion can be a touchy subject (I'm not even going to touch that joke) so I'm going to try and tread carefully here so as to not to alienate any more people than I surely already have with this sacrilegious post. The tradition of marriage is deeply rooted in religion......and I'm about as religious as Captain Crunch is nautical. 

Ahoy mates let's raise the masts on your glycemic index and set sail to Type 2 diabetes!

Truth be told? I think the last church I stepped in was a Church's Chicken (save the judging for man upstairs) but I completely respect others right to believe in whatever they want to believe in. You want to believe in Buddha, Jesus or the Greek Gods; well, giver. You do you bro. Myself, I've tried calling God before and he has yet to return my calls (All powerful but doesn't have voicemail? Interesting). All that said, religions role in marriage is to me, just another example that this is someone else's idea of how things should be and not one I came to on my own. Pen your own life story and write your own religion dare I say! The only person who I"m asking for permission from if I get married is going to be her Dad and if I'm wrong well then I'll hear about it in the after life....

Speaking of....

6. Dying Not To Die Alone

Bad news: Turns out there's a finish line at the end of the human race. *!!Spoiler alert!!* and while none of us are exactly running towards getting in that casket, some people sure seem to be running to walk down that isle.

Eat it Becky!

Now the whole "till death do you part" thing is pretty intense, especially now that we've kicked kicking the bucket, down the road and into our nineties (one can hope). Back in the day when people only lived for like, 30 years, it wasn't such a big deal but these days you had better be hella sure that Becky is for shiz "the one" because you might be changing each others diapers while swigging back Ensure fifty years from now.

Knew it.

The truth is, we're scared of death and we're scared to go through it alone so the idea of not having to be alone at the end of your life is understandably comforting for that final curtain call scene. While I completely relate to wanting love to last until your last days, it's my personal belief that whether or not you're surrounded by loved ones on your death bed, you're still ultimately taking that next step by yourself. So no matter who you spend your life with, make sure to built yourself into someone you like being around not only for them but for you too because that's who's going to be coming with you.

7. Sign Here for bliss. The word "contract" isn't exactly synonymous with the word "trust" and that's a rather big theme for me when it comes to what I'm looking for in a relationship. Who came up with the idea that you need a written contract for love? Seriously?! Do we really need a piece of paper to tell us to be faithful? To be good to each other?! Contracts are like saying" Hey, I don't trust you so.....sign here and I'll have my lawyer look into it." Like Kanye singing about prenups, this could use some tuning.

I don't have trust issues, I just know better she said

In my life I've usually found that if it needs a contract, it means that sooner or later I'm going to get screwed......which is good news if you've been waiting until marriage but bad news if you don't like getting screwed by lawyers. When it comes to contracts, I'm usually more of a pay as you go kind of guy anyways.

So that's it. That's my list of reservations on marriage and after patiently sitting through it like a catholic wedding ceremony you would surely be thinking that I'm against marriage........ but actually that wouldn't be right. In fact, it would be more wrong than telling people they shouldn't have the right to get married. I'm looking at you Chuck Norris. Truth be told, I'm really not against marriage at all. I just think we need to be cognizant of how we are being influenced into making the decision on whether to tie the knot....or not. I happen to think love is a wonderful thing. I think that two people committing to live their lives together and wanting to celebrate that is beautiful.
Insert photos from personal life showing the journey of love:

Oh what's that? All I have is set pics because I'm forever single?
Well that's awkward

 #myimaginarygirlfriendtakesbadpictures


So before I let you go, I'll just say this:
This whole gift of life is so much better when shared. All we have is each other and I think any love we get is a good thing. If you find yourself in love and want to celebrate that love by getting married? Then go for it. Swipe right and say I do. And if you don't, well that's perfectly ok too. Both are valid, both are worthy. Whatever you choose, I just hope you take the time to come to that decision together instead of starting at some preconceived notion and working your way backwards.
Sending love your way my friends.
See you next week.
K