Made in China the never-ending story

HEY HEY KIDS!!!!!

Here we are at the final chapter of my ramblings on the sleeping giant and it feels like it's taken longer than the Great Wall of China doesn't it? To get here, we've bagged on all the things you are supposed to pretend you don't notice when traveling to a different country. Things like the "Ray Charles driving school of China", washrooms that look like torture chambers and how not to make friends at the gym. We even managed to throw in painted poodles, Edward Scissor-hands haircuts and mooing as a form of self expression. So after reading 3 long posts where I complained like I was trying out for the role on the Muppets....

This whole post is shit! When do we get to eat Kermit?

.....it would be a pretty safe bet to assume that I have a bit of a hate-on for the country. If you were in Vegas it would be a pretty safe bet, right?

Actually....

Who's in for a group hug!?

I really like China.

Didn't see that one coming did ya? No chicken dinner for you. House wins.....

Can't say I blame you though. After 3 posts of my bitching and moaning, how on Earth could I honestly say that like China? Well, like Avril Lavigne's choice in men; it's complicated and wrapping my head around it took me a pretty long time. Almost as long as Axl's Chinese Democracy (only I didn't braid my hair in the process).

Not exactly what we had in mind.

So why the sudden change in tune? Well, to me, going to China is a bit like this: some traveling destinations are like visiting friends while some are more like visiting crazy family members. Sure you can go to some nice place like Hawaii and chill in the sun, just like you can go hang with your friends. Both will be good times but neither will be a growing experience.
Visiting China on the other hand is kind of like your crazy family members. The ones that drive you completely insane and make you want to hitchhike home.....but by sticking around and learning how to come to grips with them you become a better person. Their inability to make sense and operate by normal societal rules force you to bend and redraw the lines of what was once normal to you.

Make sense?

Sure traveling in China will drive you bananas. There is a nut load of things that make absolutely no sense and are totally fucked up (even more fucked up than the term "nut load").
Getting something done that would be easy back home can often leave you crying in the shower in China.

Still....smell... stinky tofu

Trying to accomplish simple daily tasks becomes this fun little cycle of:
Confusion-frustration-anger-apathy-noodles-acceptance.

One of these things is not like the other...

Rinse and repeat.

What you need to remember (something that I really should've pointed out already during my ramblings) is that there is an important distinction between life in China and life in China as an Ex-pat. They are not one and the same. Sure, I spent 4 months living and working in China. I had an apartment, shopped at the local markets, took the train to work and even learned how to turn my muted anger into Chinese swear words:

But does that experience equate to me being able to say that I understand China?
HELLS NO (said in black lady voice for added flavour) and here's why:
As an outsider to any culture; sure you can try and pretend you're "one of them." Anyone can do that:

Make sure to tell Kanye I was here ok?

But when people do that it tends to be rather obvious. They "stand" out a little:

Ok Waldo's just getting lazy now

What I'm trying to say is that expats don't get the full meal deal experience of China because they can't read in between the social lines. It's kind of like how dancing George up there can't read any lines whatsoever.
So what do I mean by "between the social lines?"
Precisely this: there is a gargantuan (doesn't that sounds like a word for a big gorilla) amount a country's culture that can't be expressed in clumsily translated words. The culture so often lies in the cracks and it is this indefinable essence that foreigners usually miss out on. Especially when we are talking about ignorant westerners who habitually talk down to people while asking for directions to Starbucks.

The food is so different here!

And that brings me to another point: Chinese people tend to avoid expats. Like the plague. Don't get me wrong; they like to look. They will stare like they bought a ticket to the zoo but just like you and me, they don't come home with a llama.

Mom! Can I keep her?

Maybe the language gap is just too much work or maybe it's a subconscious distrust of anything different but generally, people don't invest in foreigners the way they do members of their own cultures.
Don't believe me?

Just think about it: how many friends do you have that you can say are truly culturally different? I know for myself living in Vancouver, a city loaded with Chinese people, I only have a small handful of Chinese friends. This isn't a conscious choice I've made either. It just seems to happen that way.

Turns out we humans kinda suck sometimes.

So you can't hate on locals for leaving us foreigners as the last ones picked for dodgeball. It's just human nature and besides; there's a lot of creepy white guys out there.

Here's what you need to understand about China: Chinese people just don't give a FUCK.  
(click on that btw; it's worth it)

I remember when I first got here, I asked a Chinese friend how to say "how are you?" (Ni hao ma) but he told me that I don't really need to know because Chinese people don't ask that. I asked him why and he said "we don't ask that because we don't care." For a long while, this encounter perfectly summarized why I didn't like China. The people there seemed to have all the warmth of an abortion clinic waiting room. They just don't seem to worry or care much about how other people see them.

It was only after I spent more time here that I realized that in this lies a certain truth. A freedom we don't have in North America. 

And it is here I come to the thesis of all this. The crux if you will:

If you have ever wanted to see what it would be like to live your life with the careless abandon of a homeless person; just come live in China. Because here you can do WHATEVER you want and no one will ever judge you for it. Of course this might sound horribly insensitive (and it totally is) but again, let me explain:

It comes back to the whole "how are you?" question (or lack thereof). 

Story time:

I remember one day having a homeless guy in Vancouver ask me for change while coming out of a 711.  He had just seen me waste my money on the Crispy Crunch flavoured milk in my hand and was hoping my poor spending habits could also apply to him. Normally I would say no (don't judge me) but we could both hear the spare change in my pocket ringing around like a guilty wind chime. So while I'm digging around to sort out the smaller coins (stop judging) I casually asked him "how's it going man?" and right as he was about to say "good, you?" he realized that he couldn't. The act of him asking for my money depended on him doing obviously worse than me so he quickly (and way too convincingly) did a facial 180, made this shattered look and said "horrible!" He then went on, going into a well rehearsed story of just why things were so bad as if to make up for the (albeit brief) moment we had both witnessed. So with him back playing his role, I settled back into mine of "social indifference," gave him his change and went back into the store to buy some Purrell (btw I'm not actually this callous. The homelessness situation in Vancouver is appalling and it took a long time for me to get "used" to the idea of people rotting in the street. Wow.... not often you write a sentence like that now is it?)


Ok time for something funny:

This video has nothing to do with what we are talking about.

What does this seemingly arbitrary story of my apparent lack of morals have to do with life in China? 

Well this: Westerners, while outwardly polite and friendly to each other, secretly ALSO DON"T GIVE A FUCK. The only difference is that we are too pussy to just be balls out about it like the Chinese and wear that shit on our faces. We pretend of course, asking each other "how are you?" when in reality we just want to hear "good, you?" so we can move on with our day. In fact, in most situations it is totally inappropriate to actually take the time to answer this question honestly which makes it rather pointless to ask doesn't it? Canadians are surprisingly bad for this confusing behaviour. We are known for being excessively polite and yet at the same time being cold and aloof towards people we don't know. 

As for China, maybe the population's unapologetic indifference to their fellow man is simply a product there being too many people to be invested in all of them. Maybe they have to pick and choose. It's like when you're eating a huge meal and you start to fill up halfway through. You have to start carefully choosing your bites. Myself, I immediately throw any breads, noodles or vegetables overboard and focus on finishing the meat. 
Because I'm a man dammit and that's what men do (said in Spartan voice for added man-ness).

Ya but China having too many people can't be the whole enchilada can it? There HAS to be more to this, right?

Me thinks yes.
In China, people do things we westerners consider gross because the people there aren't judging each other so it's ok to do whatever you feel like. While in North America, we judge each other harshly so everything we do is filtered through the "how will this look to everyone else" lens. Will people still like me? Sure it may seem more civilized at first to hide these things but isn't it a bit of a ruse? It has us all running around on our tippiest of tip toes.

Hold me closer tiny dancer

The parallel between living in China and being homeless is that: what you see is what you get. No stupid green garnish on the side of your plate to fill you up and no bullshit. Both make no attempts to dress it up (if they get dressed at all. In fact I think the whole Chinese dress code comes down to two questions: Is it warm and does it have pockets.)  

Dad?

Both couldn't care less if you watch them pick their noses. Neither cares if you burp or fart, spit or scratch. It's just part of life; part of the human process.
Blasphemy I say! We need judgement!!! It keeps us in line! What good would Terminator 2 have been without Judgement day?!$%^


I kid. 
So Chinese are more of an "it is what it is" mentality. While westerns are more like, (to take an example from Bangkok), ladyboys: All done up pretty but with a dress packed full of ugly secrets.

Yes. That's right. Our deep down lack of genuine care for others is exactly like a grown man dressed as a woman pretending his "wee-wee" is a "woo-woo."

Don't tell me you're surprised to see this photo here.

Sure at first glance this is horribly offensive (not Sarah JP as a man... that's just obvious, I mean the whole homeless comparison bit) but if you stop and think about it, it doesn't have to be offensive. For the sake of funny, let's set aside all of the obvious horrible aspects of being homeless and just look at the "good" ones. The "fringe" benefits if you will. 
(Pretty good chance I'm going to hell....)
Being homeless is kind of like camping: You don't have to shower, in fact you can be dirty as hell and no one will ever say anything. Another good thing is that you never need to worry about being on time,  figuring out where you are or how to get home. You never have to worry about cleaning your place when it looks like a dump. You don't have to worry about losing anything. When dating a homeless chick you can pretty much drop her off anywhere.
(Ya, I'm definitely going to hell)




But most importantly (and what I should be focused on) is that there is a freedom in how people talk to you. Nobody talks to you for any other reason than because they want to. Nobody needs something from you. No one is trying to "weasel" you. I would imagine a homeless person probably has a pretty interesting view of society that way. From the outside looking in. It's been said that:
"You can measure a lot about a society by how they treat those that who have nothing to offer them."

I'm pretty sure it was Ja Rule that said that.

The song bird of our generation

No?





Agree to disagree.









So somewhere deep in all my callous, insensitive thoughts on China, there lies not only a secret admiration for their "blind eye" outlook towards each other but also a hidden truth about the way of the West. We have many things we could learn from our Asian counterparts. Things likes their no nonsense  straightforwardness and acceptance for others.......even to those who misuse blow-dryers

This whole YOLO thing is really going too far...

There is no doubt that our western culture is fixated on outward appearances. We have become a culture that is obsessed with judgement and while most of us know that this is a skin deep and superfluous fixation that isn't to be taken too seriously, I'm willing to bet that it has affected our character more than we would like to believe.

Dude definitely looks like a lady. Dog.

For me, I didn't realize just how critical I had become until I left North America. I saw just how quick I am to judge and realized that I was usually the only one doing so. It was a humbling experience.

So there it is. I enjoyed China because I felt free there in a way that I don't feel in North America. Free from criticism and judgement from others.
Politically though; not so free. They are still working on that.

While this unexpected freedom to go unnoticed while dancing naked in the streets was a unique part of why I enjoyed my time in China, it was dwarfed by the great times I had with the friends I made there. It turns out that China, as different as it is, still comes down to the people you're experiencing it with. Just like anywhere else, it's all about the friends you meet along the way. Those kindred spirits that laugh and sing with you when it's the only thing left that makes sense.
As always, it's not where you are but who you are with....
And with that we come to the end of my words...
For all the thousands of words I could write, a picture is always worth a thousand more.
Thanks for reading,
K

 

  

 

 

Made in China 3

Hello friend. Good to see you again.
In the last two posts, we spent an inordinate amount of time talking about toilets and driving in China. So in this one, we will cover everything else.

I know what you're thinking: do gross toilets and horrible Chinese driving really deserve their own individual posts while EVERYTHING else gets mash potato'ed into one?
Yes. Yes they do. This is my blog which means everything I say is perfect and right and besides;
I love mash potatoes.
So with that in mind, here is everything else you can expect to see on your next trip to China:

1- Everyone smokes. Everywhere.... so get used to it. Around 2000 Chinese people die everyday from smoking.

But they look sooooo cool doing it.


2- People are going to stare at you. For long periods of time. Then, when you finally acknowledge them in hopes that they will look away; they won't. 
You are going to loose all staring contests you have in China. Ready your pride for this.
Sometimes, I would just mess with people by moo-ing like a cow to freak them out into leaving. 
That works by the way.

You don't even blink do you?

3- The Chinese language is not exactly melodic. It's sharp and halted which means they that everything sounds like angry yelling. 
Or if you are Russell Peters; it just sounds like funny:

 4- Don't waste your time sorting bottles.
Recycling in Asia is like democracy: it sounds like a cool idea but it has yet to be implemented.

5- People love poodles here. A lot. So much so that they show it by painting them to look like little homemade CareBears. Seeing how poodles are not real dogs, I have no problem with this. I say why not go balls out and break out the Bedazzer.

"Skittle! Come back here and put on your fall coat!"

6- In the Chinese language, the word "that' is pronounced "nigga". I swear to God (seeing how I don't believe in a "God", let's just say I swear to Morgan Freeman. It's basically the same thing). I bring you "veridad" my amigos. Just imagine how many times you uses the word "that" in a day. You will often see little old ladies pointing and yelling "nigga." 
It's kinda like vacationing in Florida.

5- Ok, this one's important:

If you need a haircut, it's probably best to just do that shit yourself. In fact you would be better off just using a rusty knife.
Or a blender. 

Because if you go into a hair salon and ask them for a little trim around ears, this is what you get:

I look like a football hooligan trying out for a part in the next Twilight movie. Not exactly a good look for me.

The goggles! They do nothing....

6- Lens-less glasses are all the rage here. All the cool kids are doing it, because after all, eye glasses aren't for making your sight better but instead they're for making the sight of your face look better to someone else's eyes. As an added bonus, by taking the lenses out of the glasses, it makes them much easier to see through. It also makes the very reason you wear them even more see through. How very perfect. 

7- Chinese people actually do love taking pictures of themselves while flashing the peace sign. So all you people who said Miley Cyrus is racist can go suck a Chinese cockle because that little starlet is clearly all seeing and Yoda wise beyond her Nickelodeon years (Side note: who would've thought that a guy named Billy Ray would have a racist daughter?)

Interesting......

Now I'm sure there are some people would say that all this "Chinese people are different" talk sounds a little too Klu-Kluk but I'm compelled to point out that the people who can't wait to say that my observations on China are wrong are the same people who HAVE NEVER BEEN TO CHINA.

I want to auto-tune your face

Maybe they have just been too busy at a "PARTY IN THE USA"

So to them I say: Go blow your issues in a tissue.

"Dad your embarrassing me!"

8- Many people in China don't understand how to behave in a gym (this is a whole other post in itself). For example: here's a pic of an old dude wearing gloves, dress shoes, winter clothes and sun glasses while walking backwards on a treadmill. To top it off, he even hung the rest of his clothes on a machine nearby as if to claim his territory. But at least he's not smoking....because yes, that happens too. Sometimes they smoke in the gym. They also eat there too because why bother to wait until you are home? What better way to quench that work out thirst then with a spicy bowl of fish noodles.

And me without me sweater

My personal favourite oddity: they just walk up to you and take the weights you are using.... but not just during your rest in between sets, but DURING your actual exercise. I once had a guy try to take a plate off the bar WHILE I was doing bench pressing it. The best part: he was completely surprised to find out that I wasn't "cool" with that.

Realistically, I could go on for hours recounting the Bizzaro world that is the gym in China, from dudes blow drying their jingle balls to old men watching you shower so let's just skip the rant and get....

!!!!*Breaking news: We interrupt this grumbling blog to bring you a developing story. We now go live to our Canadian corespondent Kevin in the field:
"It turns out China is different Chuck. I'll keep you updated as this story breaks! Back to you."


Ok. That was kind of lame...... not exactly a stunning literary device but to be fair, in my mind there was a hovering helicopter in the background.
I also had an ear piece...

So ya....I guess the whole "China is different" story isn't exactly hot off the presses.

What should I have expected? Who flies across the world to another country then complains when it's different than home? Isn't that kind of the point of travelling?
Does it really make sense to go to Shanghai and bitch about the lack of freedom fries?

No. It doesn't. That would be stupid.
Almost as stupid as renaming french fries to piss of the French. 
Checkmate America. 

China is a totally different culture from the other side of the planet. Why would I expect them to be like us in the west? I can only imagine how insane North America looks from the outside looking in:

What a glowing ambassador of western culture you are "Sweet Brown". Thank you for telling it like it is sister.

Or how about our nonsensical holiday traditions?

Ok well what's the point of all this?

I suppose it could be that we are all weird....or is it normal? Wait: does everybody being weird make everybody normal and if so 

isn't that kind of weird?

The point (if there even is one) is that "normalcy" is merely a point of view. And besides; without weird people to make fun of, we normal people wouldn't have anyone to make us feel better about ourselves. 

Said no good person ever. 

It would be nice to wrap all this bull-hickey up in one fast, tidy, little paragraph but it turns out that trying to sum up an entire culture into 5 minutes of picture peppered reading is harder than Kanye West listening to Kanye West.

I really wanted these "China" posts to be a trinity but it looks like there's no more room in this densely packed wonton so I will have to save the rest of it in the fridge until tomorrow.  I'll be back in a two shakes of Jackie Chan's tail with the moral and slightly offensive conclusion to 

Made in China: The Neverending story.

This is airplanes in China.  I swear to Morgan Freeman.

   

Made in China part deuce

Ni hao reader

If you are still reading this then it means that my long winding drive through the "cultural differences" of China hasn't thrown you off yet. So buckle up (unless you're in China because they clearly don't do that there) because we are about to go off-roading:

It's time to talk about toilets.

Let's see how many poop puns I can squeeze out.

Before China, I had what I thought was a healthy fear of public toilets (fun fact: public fear of toilets is called Lutropublicaphobia). You could say they scared the crap out of me...(shameless). I just naturally assumed that every surface was coated in urine and didn't go anywhere near one unless I happened to be wearing a full bio hazard suit. 






But nothing prepared me for what I had in store while traveling Asia. In my days of toilet naivety, I remember being somewhat like this guy:

Since then I've seen things. Things that can't be unseen.
One could say I've been "soiled".

Want my advice while you're in China? Hold it.
Just hold it man. There is no need to put yourself through the PTSD you will get from this experience:

They really spruced things up with those blue garbage cans

I know what you're thinking and the answer is no. This isn't a screenshot from the movie "Saw".
It's from a bathroom in China. I swear.



Now to be fair, I should state that not all bathrooms look like this. Some are the western style my privileged ass is used to:

 I should've dressed up...

But finding a water closet oasis like this one is a rare treat for the cheeks and the problem is that you never know what kind of bathroom you're going to get. It's like those gift box chocolates with all the different flavours but instead of hoping for truffle or strawberry, you get one filled with.......  
Well maybe I shouldn't finish that sentence.

Some of the bathrooms even cost money to enter. At first, this really pissed me off but then I realized that this is actually a good thing as the paying ones usually have toilet paper and even the luxury of soap (which is more rare in China than my shoe size).

Sadly, I've found it's best not to get used to treats like stalls, toilet paper and soap because soon enough you will find yourself up shit creek with none of the above. Anyone who has ever had travellers sickness knows what I'm talking about. Mix that in with the long bus trips from the islands and suddenly these glorified shit holes seem more appealing than the three sea shells:

Is that where I put my feet?

But still it just doesn't make sense. Why the lack of doors? Are people here so used to being around other people that they get lonely when baking solo bathroom biscuits? Wanna hold hands for support? I mean that solely in a "I'm worried I might fall over while squatting "kind of way.
OR maybe the Chinese bathroom planners just want to be ready in case George Michaels visits?





Or could it be that doors are super expensive to make in China? Maybe they are just trying to open the place up and make it look more spacious and inviting? What other possible reason could there be for publicly shaming everyone while they try to log out in peace?








Oh. Right.



Because Chinese people just don't give a shit.
For them, it ain't no thang. They're just doing their business. Crunching numbers so to speak.
It's just like that classic American novel "Everybody poops".
Now a feature length movie...

Not so good as a pop-up book

While myself, I will probably never fully get past the traumatic experience that is the Chinese bathroom but I do have to commend how the Chinese don't get all backed up about it. They hardly seem to notice. Many hang out, smoke a cigarette and will even talk on the phone or play on the internet while dropping dookie. Perhaps they are on workpoop.com calculating just exactly how much they are earning while they grease the punch bowl.
Yes this is an actual website and no I don't use it.
 Now maybe all this is a bit tooooo comfortable but I still say we in the west should all get over ourselves a bit and strive to be more like those Zen master Chinese poopers.

 Or maybe like this girl.

When you don't want to get caught taking a pic

Or how about this guy in the blue here! He's reading the newspaper.... that is on the ground..... in front of the toilet! Is there any place more filthy on earth?
Don't click on this

Still though....that shit ain't cool.

I'm sorry China; I guess I just expect more. If you really are going to be the country that takes over world then you really need to up your toilet game. I was really hoping for some sort of new age toilets with lasers coming out of their mouths. 

Or something more along the lines of the toilet in this commercial (which begs the question: when did Michael Bay start directing toilet commercials?).

Yes the toilet situation in China is a gamble. It's kind of like Mike Tyson; you never know what you are going to get: Sometimes it's ok, almost pleasant even:

..... and then sometimes you suddenly find you've put your ass in a bad situation and the toilet bites your ear off. It's exactly like that. 

Obviously.

Or.....you're like me and you continually get stuck using Smurf toilets. The worst part of these mini mocking toilets is that they make your dump look disproportionately huge. It's an optical illusion that makes it look like you just shit a mountain. 

I know everything is supposed to be smaller
in Asia but this is just ridiculous

Maybe all this is why some people in China avoid the bathrooms all together and just do it on the street.
Seriously. This actually happens.

For the first week I was there, I found that I was always having to keep one eye on the ground when I was walking because there seemed to be a disproportionate amount of dog shit to dogs.
Then I stepped in the cold hard truth and realized.....that shit ain't from dogs.


Suddenly that black cat crossing your path doesn't seem so bad does it Neo?

Yes, in China if you need to go, wherever you are is a perfectly good spot. This also goes for burping, farting, hocking (is that even a word?) and spitting. Oh and picking your nose. Couldn't forget that one. It's a favourite.

This "the world is your toilet" mentality is taught from a young age where a child's underwear come with a hole in the crotch. That way, they can just piss and shit anywhere.

Hey man can I borrow your bike?!

Seriously. They don't use diapers. They just go baby-commando style which leaves me wondering how the parents don't have crap stains on their shirts?







(It's probably time to clear my internet browsing history after searching for this picture.)

Ok. That's it. I've reached the rim and I'm officially done with all the poo poo humour. I think I hit my limit at crotch-less baby pants. So let's flush the toilet on this post and get back to pretending that none of us ever poop. Ever.

It was someone else I swear.

Time to relax and throw in a good movie. Anyone see this yet?

It's a cuming of age story

Part 3 tomorrow